NYC Life Coach, Julie Melillo

The 5 Blocks that Hold us Back

2012-02-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

Often, we don't take action on a goal because of a small, tiny block.

The 5 Fears that Hold us Back:

1. Not knowing where to start -- When you feed your mind a vague goal like "Become an actor" there are no tangible actions to DO, so you get stuck. How the heck do you "become an actor?" Of course you need a master plan of specific do-able goals, laid out over the course of many weeks.

2. Fear of success -- Our ego doesn't like change. And success is a change. Maybe you'll lose touch w/ your best friends and family? Maybe the bar will be set too high, and it'll be exhausting to keep achieving? Maybe you'll get a big head and lose touch with yourself. Maybe being in the spotlight will open you up to criticism that you're shielded from now?

3. Fear of failure -- Once again, our ego hates change. Failure hurts, and it makes you question your value, it can change how others view you, and it can affect your relationships and reputation. Enough said.

4. Fear of becoming someone else -- When you're looking at becoming the best version of yourself, you will see yourself differently. This is a big change to deal with and brings up questions like "Do I deserve to be this amazing new person?" Part of you may gravitate towards old, destructive habits, because the shiny new version of yourself may seem intimidating, or even unauthentic.

5. Fear of losing something -- Getting something always means giving something up. I can't hand you a present, without you first having two empty hands to grab it with. I can't give you a promotion, without you having to give up your previous job title. I can't introduce you to the love of your life, without you giving up on hope of making it work with your last ex. For goals, fear of losing free time is a big one -- we picture that promotion coming with endless work and no time for loved ones.

Knowing which block you've got makes it SO much easier to address -- and there are plenty of strategies for addressing ALL five of the above fears. These really are a small tiny block -- which only FEELS huge -- and once you identify it, you can deal w/ it easily.

We ALL have these fears. It's knowing how to address them that matters. My coaching can really help with this, with a 1-hour a week session that keeps you on track.

New Study: We Can Re-Wire Our Brains -- In Other Words, How to Stop Stalking Your Ex's Facebook Profile

2012-01-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

When we're stuck in a rut, or repeating the same problems, it can feel that "things will always be this way." This leads us to feel that we cannot change -- a depressing thought -- you cannot teach an old dog new tricks, right?

Here you are again, binging on potato chips (like always), stalking your ex's facebook profile (as you always do), or afraid to go for a promotion at work (just like last year), you can feel that your brain is set in stone -- it feels like you'll never change.

Researchers have uncovered an exciting fact -- our brains are quite changeable -- we have the power to mold them like clay. Neuroplasticity is the brain's natural ability to re-wire itself. This phenomenon is not limited to the childhood developmental years -- adults can make big changes. This means you can learn to literally change your mind (and behaviors), with a few simple techniques.

This is especially helpful for people who have OCD-like problems, e.g., needing to do things a certain way and having anxiety if things happen differently -- in other words, most Type A professionals in Manhattan! Yes, that guy who is furious his date is 2 minutes late, or the girl who is obsessed with getting a spot in her yoga class -- they can change.

Recent studies conducted by Dr. John Ratey, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, an American psychiatrist and researcher in the field of neuroplasticity demonstrate that people can change the neural pathways in their own brains.

In his book, “A User’s Guide to the Brain”, Dr. Ratey writes “Genes and environment interact to continually change the brain, from the time we are conceived until the moment we die. And we, the owners – to the extent that our genes allow it – can actively shape the way our brains develop throughout the course of our lives.”

Dr. Jeffrey Shwartz, who also practices the treatment of obsessive compulsive disorder, agrees that this is possible through increasing one’s level of self-awareness and of course, one’s level of desire to want to improve. He demonstrates, through the use of MRI scans and by utilizing a simple four step process, that if patients pay attention to their behaviors -- and mindfully change the way they react to these behaviors -- these old behaviors become replaced with new behaviors.

People who follow a 4-step process can create huge positive changes in their lives -- from being in the best health of your life, improving your relationship with finances and creating wealth, giving back for a greater cause, revving up your love life, or having more time for your family.

1. People first need to re-name their behavior. They should call it a "symptom of disease," or a "false signal." So instead of thinking you are stalking your ex's facebook profile because that's normal, you realize your brain is simply messed up.

2. See your behavior and thoughts as "pathological brain circuitry." Yes, that's a mouthful. When you're insisting that you must get a spot in this yoga class, or you will get fat, or proclaiming that you will absolutely never get a job in your field, or clicking yet again on Jane's new facebook photo -- stop. Pathological brain circuitry. Try repeating that one out loud! It will stop you in your tracks.

3. Re-focus. Shift your attention away from your "pathological brain circuitry," and move it towards constructive behavior. Ask yourself, what would be the constructive thing to do? Perhaps, realizing you can run on the treadmill today if the yoga class is full, apply for new jobs, or sign up for an online dating site.

4. Remove power. Take power away from your obsessions, realizing they have no value. Realize this isn't really about a spot in a yoga class, or the right job, or your ex -- it's about your brain having been stuck in the wrong rut. Creating a more constructive rut, will lead you to happiness.

This means that you don't have to stalk your ex's facebook profile obsessively, ever again.

image, digital photos. net

5 Questions to Change Your Life, Today!

2011-11-11T08:13:00.001-08:00

Fall is symbolic of letting go of old withered leaves, letting them change color, and then drop, knowing that eventually, new fresh leaves will grow to replace the old.

Change in our own lives has a cycle as well. It works best to ALLOW and even WELCOME change, by realizing that whatever has left our lives, needed to leave (exactly at the time it did). What is not meant-to-be for your life, needs to make a swift exit -- otherwise what IS meant to be for you will become blocked, leading to unhappiness.

Just as it would be odd if a tree insisted on clinging to its old brown leaves, insisting they were once green, we too need to shed the leaves in our lives, so that we can regrow fresh new bright green leaves.

To give yourself a fresh fall new-life, write down these 6 questions. Leave them on your desk for 1-3 days. Don't force yourself to answer them, but simply repeat the questions to yourself -- see what comes up for you. You may have an immediate answer, or you may be surprised with a dream or random event that seems to answer the question for you.

1) WHAT IS BEST FOR ME? __________

2) WHAT THOUGHTS SHOULD I BELIEVE? (WHICH ONES WILL HELP ME MOST?) __________

3) WHAT AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW? __________

4) WHAT DO I NEED TO LET GO OF/OR CHANGE? __________

5) WHAT DO I NEED TO START AND COMMIT TO? __________

Your next step will be to start taking small daily actions, using what you discovered in question #5. This cements your process and leads to speedy results.

Give your work desk a make-over!

2011-10-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

Whether you are a business professional in a crowded office, or you work for yourself, use these tips to give your desk a productivity make-over!

DESK DISTRACTIONS TO AVOID

1. CELL PHONES/SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES -- Personal cell phones are a huge distraction at work. Yes, it's exciting to get a fun text, BUT we all know how easy it is to spend the whole day texting, checking social networking sites, or even chatting with friends online -- where did the day go? This isn't a problem for killing down-time, but if you're someone who is stressed because you never have enough time, this is a great way to carve out a few more hours in your week -- these minutes really do add up. Focusing on your work will make you more competitive for your next promotion or landing that business deal -- and you'll feel more accomplished at the end of the day.

Many of my clients have struggled with this common problem, whether working in a traditional office or at home. When we switch tasks, we lose productivity because it takes our mind a while to switch gears. When we are interrupting our task to check a text or voicemail, we end up losing a lot of time in our day.

A study from Stanford University even showed that people who multitask the most are the least productive -- they lose perspective on which tasks are important enough to switch over to, and which are irrelevant.

SOLUTION:
Turn off that cell or hide it in a drawer with the volume turned off. Avoid social networking and chat sites on your work computer -- some employers block these sites making it easy for you, but other employers don't -- and if you work for yourself you'll have to have the most willpower.

One of my clients powered off his personal cell phone during working hours, and only turned it on during his lunch hour and after work. He found he was much more focused, productive, and ended the day wanting to celebrate by spending quality time with friends and family.

*It's important to let friends and family know about your new routine, so they're not left feeling ignored. Tell important people in your life which hours they can expect you to reply. In case of emergency, give loved ones your work phone number to call, to make sure you're available in case of a serious accident, etc.

2. BACKGROUND TV NOISE -- If you're trying to focus at work, or learn something new, avoid having a television (or even a radio with DJ chatter) in your office. While not always possible -- especially if you work in entertainment or finance, where TV screens are everywhere -- you should always try to reduce distractions. While you may feel your work is adequate, you are losing an edge by having a distraction stealing away a percentage of your attention -- your brain is doing many things at once at a low level, instead of focusing on one main task at hand. This means you may miss an important detail, it could hinder your creativity, or it may simply slow you down.

SOLUTION:
*Remove distracting objects such as televisions from your line of vision (and hearing if possible) while at work. If there is a lot of background noise at your office, ask your boss if you can find a quieter spot, or wear headphones and play classical music.

3. PERSONAL TASKS -- It's so tempting to try to "multitask" at work, and finish some home tasks: online shopping, writing a few personal emails, making travel plans, playing fantasy sports, or even paying bills online. Every time you switch to a personal task, your are losing time, as your mind needs to readjust and switch from one task to the other.

SOLUTION:
It's actually faster to batch together your personal tasks and do them all at one time (after work hours). The enables you to focus intensely, which is required for task completion. This is hugely important for my work-at-home entrepreneur clients, but equally important for those in traditional offices. If your mind is distracted wondering whether you should buy the magenta dress or the light blue one, you won't be as focused on your work.

Batch together home or personal tasks. Keep anything that could distract you from work in a designated place: a folder, a box, a bin. Whenever non-work items cross your path, toss them into this designated space, and return to them after work hours. To avoid worrying about personal tasks, keep a notepad with a to-do list in this same space, where you can quickly jot down "call Marie back tonight" or "get groceries." Writing down the task quickly will get it out of your mind and onto paper, and you'll see the note at the end of the day. You won't forget your tasks this way, and they won't distract you either.

4. TOYS -- They're adorable, but if you're the type of person who is tempted to really get into playing with those amusing toys -- such as the plastic creatures with whose eyes bulge out when you squeeze his tummy, then remove these items from your desk. You don't want your boss walking by as you're face to face staring at your silly creature, instead of at that expense report.

If they don't distract you, it's fine to leave silly toys on your desk -- so long as it doesn't lure co-workers to come play with them (and distract you).

THINGS THAT HELP

1. PHOTOS OF LOVED ONES -- Photos of loved ones can be helpful. Studies show that simply looking at a photo of a spouse or other important person can decrease feelings of pain and provide social support -- even just a photo results in this huge effect! As humans, we are social creatures and support protects us against stress.
This is hugely helpful if you're working and suffering from any type of pain -- from a headache to a serious ongoing pain issue. Or, if your job is stressful. Feeling more support and less stress will help you focus better on your work.

2. PLANTS -- Plants can help you relax since they connect you with nature. And they're about as distracting as a houseplant -- meaning, they're not very
distracting at all.

3. TO-DO LISTS -- Keeping a daily to-do list is hugely important. It will focus your attention on what absolutely matters today. Everything else can wait for tomorrow. Post a large to-do list in your line of sight for the entire day, and update it if priorities change. Write your to-do list out every morning: the act of doing so will focus your attention on what must be finished, making it easier for you to ignore less important tasks that may feel urgent, but really don't matter.

4. A MOTIVATIONAL PHRASE YOU CHOOSE -- Instead of hanging a corny poster, choose your own word or short phrase that you write for yourself. Ask yourself why you're even at work in the first place: what is your ultimate dream? What are you trying to accomplish? Sum this up in a few words, and post it in a place you'll see it all day long. It will remind you why you are working so hard, helping you to feel good about your accomplishments. A phrase like "Dylan's college fund" or "moving to Paris" or "I'm building a business I love" can go a long way in focusing your attention.

I have a client who is a financial trader who writes phrases such as "prove it" to remind himself that he needs to work harder to achieve his goals.

TO SUM UP -- Try out these tips to streamline your work day. You'll feel more focused and accomplished, have more time, and you'll excel at reaching your professional goals.

photos, free digital photos.

Take control! Choose your thoughts.

2011-09-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

Choose your thoughts for the day, the way you'd select your outfit.

You don't tell people, "I can't change this outfit. I've been wearing it for a month. It's just what I wear."

No.

You can change your clothes, and you can change your thoughts. When you find thoughts that no longer support your goals, simply change them.

Yes, thoughts become habits. This is a good thing, because your NEW thoughts will become a strong good habit in 2-3 weeks.

HOW TO DO IT

1) What thoughts will support your goals?

2) REPEAT THESE THOUGHTS to yourself throughout your day.

3) DON'T BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS. On the flip side, listen to your feelings and feel them completely, without judging. Then correct any untrue thoughts.

Example:

1) Today I'm going to eat healthy because it makes me feel good.

2) Repeat this thought during day to self. Write it on a sticky at your desk. Set your cell phone to alert you to the thought several times a day -- just set it as an item on your phone calendar (3pm "I'm going to eat healthy because it makes me feel good.")

3) Notice that you're feeling anxious and intensely jealous watching someone eat chocolate cake). Let the feeling exist until it evaporates. Ask yourself "hmm, I wonder what this feeling is about? I wonder what would make me feel this way? Keep asking until you discover the CAUSE of this feeling. ALL feelings have a cause. Identifying it will give you greater knowledge. Perhaps you discover "I hate anyone who gets to eat whatever they want. It isn't fair."

4) Correct untrue thoughts. Listening to feelings allows you access to uncovering untrue thoughts, which need correcting. The correct, supportive thought is, "I don't hate people who can eat what they want. It's fair, because they probably worked hard to improve their metabolism -- if they didn't, all of that unhealthy food is bad for them, and I'm not jealous of health problems. I will work hard to become very healthy, and I'll enjoy all of the food that I eat. There is no reason to be jealous of anyone."

Another untrue though? "I can never eat chocolate cake". True thought "Once I get to a healthy place, I can occasionally eat chocolate cake too!"

GIVE THIS PROCESS A TRY. IT'S GUARANTEED TO TAKE YOUR LIFE FROM SO/SO TO AMAZING.

The "Social Predator" without a Conscience

2011-09-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

Signs you're dating a sociopath:

http://www.yourtango.com/201179136/10-signs-youre-dating-sociopath

1. Charisma and charm. They're smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.

2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.

3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.

4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.

5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they'd be better off telling the truth. Is It Possible To Spot A Liar?

7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.

8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you're their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.

9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction.

More articles...

"I learned that most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, social predators, and live their lives by exploiting others. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse."

http://www.yourtango.com/201179133/i-married-sociopath

"You see, sociopaths, at first, don't act like jerks. My ex-husband presented himself to be a dynamic, successful entrepreneur who was head over heels in love with me. He wanted to be with me all the time, was always sending me e-mails and faxes, told me I was the woman he'd been waiting for all his life.

I now know that what he was doing is a typical sociopathic technique called love bombing.

Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. While they're trying to hook you, they are extremely attentive. They shower you with flattery and what appears to be affection. But they have an agenda. You have something that they want—perhaps money, sex, business connections or a place to live. Sociopath will keep pouring it on until they convince you give it to them."

http://www.yourtango.com/201179136/10-signs-youre-dating-sociopath

When you're dating...how to avoid sociopaths

2011-09-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

To my daters...

One in 25 people is a sociopath. So that charming person you're sitting across from at dinner? They may be missing an important part of their brain -- literally. Sociopaths lack a portion of their brain which is responsibly for producing feelings of guilt -- they are physically disabled, and this is not treatable.

This enables them to do harm to others and feel no remorse. It all comes down to capabilities, ambition, and what the sociopath wants out of life -- some sociopaths might steal a friend's $20, or lie about something small, while others are CEOs who steal millions of people's money. One sociopath might delight in quietly bullying others at work, just to watch people become upset. While another sociopath may be violent and kill people or animals without a second thought. Scary.

It's all shades of gray, but the central idea is that sociopaths don't feel remorse. They can kill your dog, or steal your spouse, or lie to your face -- and sleep soundly at night. They might not do it, but they are capable of it. The average person, just isn't emotionally capable of hurting others without feeling intense guilt and remorse.

In North America, an estimated 2 million sociopaths, 4 percent of the population, are roaming the streets.

Most sociopaths know that they are "different" and they try their best to fit into society, all the while knowing they don't really "care" about things that others seem to. This fact doesn't bother them, except for the fact that people keep screaming at them, and blaming them for things all the time -- which is of course just sooo annoying! "You killed my dog, you broke my heart, you stole my wallet, you cancelled our important plans, you laughed as I cried," blah blah blah...it's just a headache for the sociopath to deal with.

To make their life easier, they pretend to be a "normal person." They might pretend to show guilt, or placate others to avoid conflict. But they really, truly, just don't give a damn.

The trouble with this, of course, is that "normal" people may not spot the sociopath. They're often quite charming initially (and whenever they need to be charming), and the "normal" person often projects their caring qualities onto the sociopath. Sociopaths often seek out very caring people, so they will appear to have those traits as well (the same way people who lack intelligence or looks will gravitate towards a partner who does have these qualities). Combine this with a sociopaths ability to lie (often), and if you have a brainy sociopath on your hands, watch out. They can trick you.

So my dating clients can go by one thing only -- your gut instinct. If you find yourself recounting your dates, with a feeling that something just didn't add up -- but never being able to figure out what that thing was -- or scrutinizing your date's facebook profile (unsure what you're even looking for), or asking all of your friends and family their advice on whether you should date them (without having any real "issue" that is bothering you, you may be dating a sociopath.

To help, ask yourself:

1. Do they seem to have morals and a conscious? Have you seen them upset about a mistake they made? Do they remedy mistakes and learn from them? Sociopaths will just scrap the endeavor and quickly move on to something else.

2. If they accidentally hurt you, do they seem truly concerned? Will they do whatever it takes to make it right? Or are they just placating you with a quick "sorry" as they move on to something else?

3. Do they focus on themselves and their interests and give little or no thought to your needs and concerns? For example, if you want Chinese food, and your date wants Mexican, will they automatically assume you're ordering Mexican?

4. Do they fly into a rage if they don't get their way? Do they ignore your wants and needs completely?

5. Do they need something from you? (money, social company, sex, favors, help with their career?) If you stopped giving, would they stay out of love for you? Or hit the road?

6. Are they inconsistent? Do they make plans only to break them? Or make no plans at all? One moment, are they lavishing you with attention and love, and the next bullying you, emotionally starving you, or even causing you to cry and then seeming to enjoy watching you suffer? Are you constantly confused?

7. Do they seem to have no "moral code"? For example, they've never even thought about whether cheating (on a test, or in a relationship) is wrong, or they'll break a rule or law without a second thought? Does nothing "keep them awake at night?" Do they sleep soundly even after having done something really wrong? Is their only concern getting caught?

8. Do they see people as items to be used? And do they expect others to try to use them? (projecting)

9. Do they have no concern for your wants, needs or feeling? If you tell them something upsets you, will they ignore it, pretend to not remember, or just continue to do it?

An interesting article goes into more depth. "The panicked feeling of a guilty conscience never squeezes at your heart or wakes you in the night. Despite your lifestyle, you never feel irresponsible, neglectful or so much as embarrassed, although for the sake of appearances, sometimes you pretend that you do."

"Sociopaths can be very convincing and charming at first, especially at the beginning of relationships. A history of poor relationships, problems with the law, and hexcessive lying are just a few red flags to watch out for at the beginning. A lack of remorse, when noticed in a possible sociopath, is often a warning sign. It is nearly impossible to have a normal relationship with a sociopath, and in some cases, being involved with a sociopath can be dangerous. Their lack of regard for the welfare of others and typical lack of conscience can make sociopaths dangerous.

"Is there something wrong with your guy? Does he lie, cheat, steal, commit fraud, use people then discard them, have fits of rage, seem self-centered or have no conscience? Do you feel like something is wrong with him, but you are not sure what it is? It sometimes seems like his brain just does not work right and he does outrageous things. Beware! You might be dating a sociopath. What are the warning signs? What should you do?"

Pathological lying about all things, big and small, is the first feature of a sociopath. This man will lie about the most ridiculous things, even when he doesn't have to and even when he might not want to: he just does. These lies are bewildering because they seem so ridiculous and unnecessary, and they are frightening because of what they stand for: a personality disorder that cannot be fixed. When your man does this, call it what it is: pathological lying.

Fits of rage, the second symptom, often happen when the sociopath is crossed, challenged or questioned. He can't stand it, and he will take it out on you. He might stomp around and yell, or get violent. Either way, you learn quickly not to question him; in fact, you had better be completely supportive all of the time or he might suddenly turn into a raging person you feel like you don't know. Before this article you did not know who he was, but now you do. A sociopath with fits of rage.

The third feature is a self-centeredness or devotion to self unlike any you have ever seen. This man sees the world from his eyes only, will always makes sure he gets 'his' first, and is constantly plotting against the world who plots against him (in his mind). This feature will allow the sociopath to discard you without a second glance when you no longer suit his needs. He only functions around his needs and wants. He has an overwhelming sense of self that does not allow room for others. This is why you feel so 'stepped on' by the sociopath; you were not only stepped on, you were run over!

The hallmark feature that ties these three broad characteristics together is an amazing lack of guilt, remorse or shame for their actions; a complete lack of conscience, and lack of boundaries that prevents healthy people from doing what the sociopath will do easily and without hesitation over and over again! This feature is astonishing when you see it; you can't quite believe someone is capable of acting the way they do. It overwhelms those involved with the sociopath; it is so hard to comprehend that someone could even do one of these things, much less accomplish the long list of lies and fraud accompanies the sociopath throughout his lifetime."

http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/article_view/empower/are-you-dating-a-sociopath-recognize-the-warning-signs-308.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1016018/how_to_identify_a_sociopath_telling.html?cat=70

Want to create a blissful day today? 7 Steps of The Julie Melillo Life Coaching Success Approach!

2011-08-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

Do these things simultaneously, and the world is your oyster. Here is my approach. Follow it to create anything you'd like. It's the closest thing to a magic potent that I've got. No matter what life throws at you, you'll not only get through it, but THRIVE using this approach.

1) You are powerful, and you can create ANYTHING you'd like. What you put energy into (and think about) expands.

2) So take control of your thoughts. BUILD the mindset you need to support your goals. WRITE it down, and repeat it daily.

3) When you feel off track, LISTEN to your feelings. Let feelings exist, and discover the message they are sending you -- it's important.

4) BE there for yourself always, as a soft place to fall.

5) TAKE bold action daily. And LET GO of controlling results -- NO ONE controls results, only ACTIONS. So take smarter, better actions.

6) TWEAK your plans weekly. Back to the drawing board is how great inventions and accomplishments are created.

7) CELEBRATE. At the end of each day, reflect on ALL you are grateful for. What did you kick as at today? Perhaps you did something new, or handled something better than before. Great things happened today (big and small), but you'll be blind to them, until you SEE them. What great things happened for you today?

Possibilities that weren't possible for you yesterday, become possible with this approach.

To go into depth and learn how to do all of the above in detail (there are processes for learning these things), contact me for phone, skype, or in-person sessions or workshops in Manhattan. www.yourdreamslifecoach.com for rates.

Focus, See, Believe -- 3 Steps to Get More of What You Want!

2011-08-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

FOCUS, SEE, BELIEVE.

Want to get more of something? Money, love, time, health, friendship, fulfillment? Deep answers from within? More fun? A better home? If you want to get this now, there is one step you can do TODAY that will move you much closer to it.

1) Focus on it.

It sounds easy, but simply shifting your focus to what you want speeds your time to get it. Start thinking about it. See it in the world today!

What we focus on, we find ways to achieve. It becomes easy, because WE SEE IT show up in the world. What we ignore, doesn't exist in our world -- we are blind to it, even if it is showing up ALL around us.

We can't notice everything at one time. So due to necessity, we only SEE what we've decided to see. We're BLIND to the rest -- for example, how many yellow t-shirts do you see in a day? Have you ever noticed? If you haven't focused on this, you've been blind to it, and you have no idea how many yellow t-shirts are out there. However, if today you put all of your focus on counting yellow t-shirts, you'd be amazed how many are out there!

Another example, how many flowers and plants do you see in a day? 10? 20? What color are these plants of flowers? Chances are, you have no idea. You're blind to what you don't notice, and this affects you dramatically.

Right now, check in with yourself and ask, "What do I focus on?" and "What do I ignore?"

*Do you notice only the "bad" aspects of your body?
*Do you notice only the unhappy people in the world?
*Do you insist there are NO "good" men or women left in the dating pool?
*Do you focus on the lack of jobs and the bad economy?
*Do you insist that all jobs have horrible hours?

If you focus on these things -- that are lacking -- you will find your own life lacking. You'll find a lack of health, happiness, potential men and women to date, and jobs -- these things simply DON'T EXIST in your world, and you'll complain about it often.

So SHIFT your focus! Focus on 1 new thing TODAY.

For example, if you are single and want a great relationship, don't focus on the gossip stories about people cheating on each other -- you will become BLIND to healthy relationships. Instead, count the happy-looking couples you SEE today. How many couples do you see who appear to adore each other?

If you hate your job, look for examples of professionals who appear truly content and happy. If you want more money, look for people who have money, or examples of people making a lot of money, or think of rich people.

This ONE shift will guarantee you will get more of what you want, because it will remind you that it's POSSIBLE once you see the inspiring evidence that others have ACHIEVED it. We don't tackle tasks that are impossible -- so first, you must FOCUS on what you want, to SEE it appear in the world, to BELIEVE that it's possible for YOU.

Give it a try today! :D

Economic Problems and Facing Our Fears

2011-08-09T10:12:00.001-07:00

An article I wrote in 2008, that I believe is still relevant to the situations we fact today (this was used as a podcast on Trans4mind.com).

Economic Problems and Facing Our Fears
By Julie Melillo

With the recent collapse of two Wall Street giants, speculation of doom seems to hang in the air especially here in New York City. Between gas prices, politics and financial crisis, it's amazing anyone seems to be able to get on with their day. And my clients are definitely feeling the strain, with the situation affecting their careers and pocketbooks.

In spite of all of this, I want to point out something. Tragedy can be a time of great growth. Our lives, dreams and families don't have to be demolished -- they can instead take flight.

That might sound crazy, and yes, you're right that Wall Street does affect Main Street -- all of our Main Streets. And yes, the economy is all linked together, etc, and it may trickle down. But that does not mean your life is ruined. It could even mean the opposite.

Times of tragedy are times of change. There is nothing inherently wrong with change, but bringing in something new does always mean letting go of something. We associate letting go of something with sadness, and so the situation seems bad.

But all times of change really are, is a reminder that it is natural for life to be in constant flux. Life is not stable, for all of our attempts to make it that way. And accepting that it is natural to need to adapt, to continue to grow, to re-assess, will connect us deeper with what it means to be alive and human. It can even connect us closer together, as we remember we are alive, and we are not so far removed from natural forces of life.

Instead of clinging on to what material things we have, let's instead remember to let go of the fleeting things in life that are never really ours. And hold tight to what matters.

We don't have to be victims of the world and the evening news. We have a choice to do things differently. Each of us are alive and we all have a shot. Why not take it?

You logically know you are not actually sitting still. You know the world is moving. So don't resent this fact. Or get angry at Wall Street. Accept that we are all surfing here, and we need to do our best to be strong enough to ride out the waves -- the easy ones, and the tough ones.

Change happens so gradually most of the time. We don't notice it. Like the turning of the earth or the smooth transition from season to season -- but growth is always there. Sometimes these changes are sudden -- we lose a job. We lose someone we love. And other times, these changes are gradual -- we become unhappy at work. A relationship becomes distant over the years. But that change is always with us. Even when nothing appears to be happening, things are still changing (both inside of us and in the outside world). We never stop growing and the world doesn't either.

It is the nature of life to change -- empires rising and falling, ocean waves swelling and crashing, financial charts increasing and decreasing -- this is the nature of life. We don't need to be victims of nature and the outside world. We don't have to cower with fear as we list the factors we can't control. There will always be things outside of our control. But we are extremely powerful as individuals, once we decide to be. We can choose to make a choice -- our own choice.

The less we cling on to the things we can never really "own," the more free we will be. And the more we take charge of our lives, assess what is there and what is not, see situations for what they are, and keep our dreams in sight, doing what is best for our happiness and that of our families -- doing all of this in the midst of whatever is happening.

Humans have been through terrible times, and Wall Street is not the worst of it. So let's be happy for the strength, intelligence and adaptability we have as people -- and find a way to harness difficulty and turn it into success.

The outside world, as big as it seems, is not as large as the human desire to live happily. And nothing can hold you back from getting what you want if you choose to make it happen, regardless of anything else. If you own it and take responsibility and accept it, both for your own mistakes and the world's, there is a way.

"The caterpillar thought the world had ended, and then he turned into a butterfly..." --anonymous

Copyright © 2008 Julie Melillo
Julie Melillo is a Certified Life Coach in Manhattan. She coaches in-person in the city and offers phone and online coaching sessions across the country. Ready to make your dreams happen? Visit her web site: Your Dreams - Life Coaching.

photos free digital photos .net

Want more success and happiness?

2011-08-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

Want more success and happiness? STOP ignoring your feelings. When you dismiss your feelings, you dismiss YOURSELF. LISTEN. Ask "how do you feel?" and "why? What happened? Why are you upset?" Listen. What is the message? Ask "What do you need?" And then take action to meet whatever need that is. Taking a small action will make a HUGE difference in how you feel today. Try it!

Most of us (especially my CEOs and business clients), feel they THRIVE on ignoring and dismissing their feelings, to stay "logical." Just the OPPOSITE happens actually! The more you bottle feelings, the more likely it is that they'll result in rage, sobbing fits, rude comments to others, passive aggressiveness, etc. You LOSE control of your emotions when you bottle them. Deal with your feelings on your own, and you'll be in control of how you handle situations with others.

My client today was a good example. A very successful and logical woman, she'd felt for over 10 years a need to "nest" and feel "settled." She'd ignored this feeling, until she got to such an unhappy point she could no longer stand it. Yet, she still wanted to bottled it. "Let me get this emotion out real quick, and then we can disregard it," were close to her words. It should have been, "Let's discover this feeling real quick, so we can use the vitally important message it's sending."

The message her emotion of sadness was sending? She needed to feel nested and secure in her environment. A valid need! So we brainstormed a few ways she could created this TODAY. She came up with the idea of buying a very nice scented candle, as a start. After that? Perhaps buying a home would be next.

Listening to your emotions opens you up to a wealth of information on how to better meet your short-term and long-term needs. This enables you to weave these factors into your overall approach for your career, business, relationships and life.

This creates a life that FEELS fulfilled, versus empty and lacking -- regardless of outward appearances. A person can make a million dollars a year, be married, have kids, be a supermodel, and be MISERABLE if the aren't fulfilled by their life. As miserable as you would imagine a homeless person with no money, friends, or possessions to feel -- unfilled is a feeling that is not related to what you own, how you look, your accomplishments, etc. It's a sign that your life is misaligned. You are on the wrong path. No matter how much you'd LIKE this to be your path, it ISN'T and you've gotta let go of it. Get on the RIGHT PATH for you, and you'll feel bliss and thrive, finding success greater than you could ever imagine.

Success is not: what others think, outer appearances, what your parents want you to do, what the neighbors want you to do, what you saw on TV.

Success is: feeling what's right for you, discovering your strengths, finding the RIGHT path for you and WALKING down it (despite any fears you may have had), inner wisdom, learning from your mistakes, meeting your true self, and meeting the life that is yours, and watching your DREAMS unfold and become reality. Meeting your future; the one you are meant for.

Healthy versus Unhealthy Relationships

2011-07-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

My clients often ask about the difference. So here are just a few of the main ideas explained in detail.

They can look similar. For example, all relationships have anger -- people ALL get angry. But it's the way the anger is expressed that defines healthy versus UNHEALTHY.

People model their relationships after those of family -- and everyone ASSUMES the way they behave in a relationship is NORMAL and HEALTHY.

However, not everyone acts healthy in a relationship. Read below to identify if YOU are acting right, or if your partner is.

If you've been raised in an unhealthy way, it's your obligation to heal yourself, and change your behavior in the future. Otherwise, you WILL create unhealthy future relationships in ALL areas of your life, and without real change, any future children you should have WILL be affected and will continue the cycle. This is GUARANTEED to happen unless you choose to change.

Acting in an unhealthy way in an relationship violates the basic ideas of what love is. This tears a relationship down and results in destruction -- divorce, break-ups, violence, and depression, unhappiness and stress-related health problems (for those who stay in unhealthy situations).

What a healthy relationship looks like:

1. Concern for partner's well being: The partners comfort level is placed on an EQUAL level as one own's. For instance, if a girl is afraid of heights, her boyfriend should not demand she take a helicopter ride (even if he thinks it'll be fun). He will respect that this makes her uncomfortable.

Unhealthy: The boyfriend will push the girlfriend to take the helicopter ride, may use threats or insults to manipulate him into doing it -- this IGNORES her well-being. He won't respect her boundaries, and will instead use guilt, violence, or threats to insist she do what he wants. Or, he may say nothing, and if there is a cycle of abuse, a threatening look may warn her of future abuse. He may say "Oh come on. I went to the mall with you ALL day, and you won't do anything in return? You are selfish!" Or he may simply repeat "We're going, whether you want to or not." If he has the keys and is driving, it may be difficult for her to get out of the situation.

The main idea here: the unhealthy relationship will have a lack of concern for the well-being (emotional or physical) of the partner.

2. Concern for OWN well being: In a healthy relationship, both partners are equally concerned for their own comfort. They won't sacrifice their sense of safety to please a partner. In this example, the girlfriend won't do something she's not comfortable with (take a helicopter ride) -- and she knows the boyfriend will respect that. If he doesn't respect that, or isn't concerned with her well-being (see #1), then she will leave him.

She will be assertive and say "I'm not comfortable taking a helicopter ride."And he will respect this, and find a way to meet his need for doing so in a way that doesn't cause discomfort to her. He will respect her feelings on the issue, and not want to cause any harm to her.

Unhealthy: A partner will sacrifice their sense of well-being to please a partner. This causes harm to come to the victim, (who is not feeling safe or like their well being is being considered) and enables abuse to continue. It also causes future anger and resentment.

3. Anger is healthy and used to create boundaries -- if a healthy boundary is overstepped, the anger helps a person to assertively re-create that boundary. Healthy anger has a purpose of protecting a person. It is assertive, NOT abusive. Its purpose is NOT to attack or cause harm. Unhealthy anger is used to control, threaten, and abuse, which makes an abusive person feel more powerful.

Healthy example: I'm very angry because you've invaded my privacy by reading my diary! I will put a lock on my diary now, until I can trust you to respect my privacy." (anger expressed with an "I" statement. Boundary is created, with the action to put the lock on the diary). Person takes responsibility for their own angry feelings ("I" feel angry). The person may raise their voice a bit, but they do not snap into a rage state. They are still in-control of their words and actions.

Unhealthy example: (Rage) "You have made me angry by reading my diary! I can say whatever I want to you, because it's YOUR fault for making me angry! You are pathetic and a loser! I don't love you after this, and I will never talk to you again!" (Here we have attempts to punish and abuse -- character attacks and verbal abuse. There is no attempt to create a healthy boundary, and the point here is that the abusive person is going into a RAGE in order to feel more powerful.

The abuse is blamed on the victim for "causing" it. This makes the abuser feel entitled to do and say whatever they please. This is not true, because everyone is responsible for their actions. The abuser may also play the silent game, or withhold things their partner wants as a way to harm their partner and "punish" them (attention, sex, etc.). There may also be physical violence. The abuser feels the victim "caused" the situation, so they are entitled to do whatever they'd like.

We see there is NO resolution or boundary set in this unhealthy example. No decision about what to do about the diary in the future is made. This of course sets the stage for repeated problems, since nothing was resolved and NO healthy boundary was set.

4. Honesty/Trust -- In a healthy relationship, both partners are honest. They don't stretch the truth, or leave out important details. They aren't vague or overly quiet. They also don't feel the need to tell EVERY single detail, as they are entitled to keep some private information to themselves. However, information which impacts the partner (now or in the future) needs to be revealed to their partner -- especially if this information is important for the partner's well-being (see #1 above). Sometimes these conversations are difficult to have, but if the partner's well-being is affected, the information NEEDS to be shared. Otherwise, trust will be destroyed. Information that is hurtful (for the sake of being hurtful) is NOT shared, if it is not something the partner is affected by or needs to know. For instance "You look fat today."

The questions to ask: 1) Does my partner need to know this for their own well-being? 2) Will this information impact my partner (now or in the future)?" 3) Will not telling my partner this information break the trust, if they were to find out later on their own? 4) If I need to say this, how can I say so in the least hurtful way?

So even "you look fat today" could potentially be something that needs to be said if: 1) Being fat is impacting their health. 2) Not dealing with this will cause diabetes or heart disease in the future. 3) I want my partner to trust me to be concerned with their health. 4)I'll have a kind conversation about the importance of health, and my concern about my partner's future health. (the word "fat" will be left out of the conversation)

Healthy example: "Honey, I'm really wanting a new sofa. I'm thinking of something brown. I looked at some web sites, and there is one I'm interested in buying. What do you think?" (open to hearing viewpoint)

Unhealthy example: Simply buying the new sofa, with no discussion. The wife choosing to buy the couch without consulting the husband is BAD because it affects him both financially, well-being-wise, and on a trust level. They both sit on this couch, and should both have a voice in deciding whether to buy the couch. Not mentioning this to him makes him wonder if she is hiding other things. The trust is lowered.

Other examples include being vague, or leaving out details. NOT mentioning information is as bad as lying.
*Not mentioning having an STD, even if the conversation hasn't "come up." (Clearly this affects the partner's well being)
*Sidestepping conversations about an important issue and where they stand on it. For instance, not mentioning their desire to NOT have children, until after they are married.
*By the way, I just____. (bought a new car, switched jobs, invited my mother to stay on our couch for 3 weeks, withdrew a large amount of money, etc.) These are ALL things that need to be discussed, because they IMPACT the partner.

5. Keeping promises. Healthy partners KEEP their promises. In the RARE event they cannot, they 1) Apologize for not keeping the promise. 2) Immediately offer an alternative promise. 3) Make good on this promise.

Promises are contracts. Not keeping up your end breaks a contract, and this breaks trust. Healthy partners apologize if they are unable to keep this contract, and they do not "blame" the situation on outside factors, but rather take responsibility. They show that KEEPING promises is important to them, and they show empathy for the pain of their disappointed partner.

Healthy example: I'm so sorry I missed the movie. I know it was important that I meet you there on time, and I'm sorry to have broken that promise. I know you are disappointed, and I hate to see you sad. I should have told my boss that I needed to leave early, and instead I let my work take over. Now, I'd like to take you to a movie tomorrow night, and I will get there early, and I will pay for both tickets! I hope you forgive me. (Every effort is made to keep this promise). (Taking responsibility, apologizing, new contract/promise is made, empathy is shown).

Unhealthy example: I couldn't make it to the movie because I had to work. You should understand that my work is important. Just go to the movies with your friends. I can't predict what's going to happen! I'm not psychic. You should understand that things come up. Life is unpredictable. You're unrealistic to expect otherwise. Tomorrow? I can't go tomorrow because I'm going to be relaxing after work. (Not taking responsibility, no empathy shown, no apology, no new contract/promise made).

6. Meeting each other's needs. In healthy relationships, partners place their partners needs on equal footing with their own. BOTH are important, and partners do everything possible to meet each other's needs fairly. There are times they won't be able to, of course! So both partners make an effort to have their needs met by themselves, and several other sources when possible (such as having friends for social needs). The only exception to this, is of course sexual needs, which should NOT be met by people outside of the relationship -- this is of course called cheating or adultery.

Partners realize that they will be expected to meet certain needs often. They do so whenever possible. To ease the burden of their needs on their partner, they make an effort to meet their own needs when possible, or find other people to do so. However, one of the points of having a relationship is to meet each other's needs, and to enjoy doing so.

Healthy example: "I'm not really hungry right now, but I know that you are starving! So let's figure something out for you. Maybe we can stop and grab you some lunch on the way to the play?" (effort to meet partner's need to eat).

Unhealthy example: "I'm not hungry at all. You should have made yourself a sandwich. It's too late now. I want to get to the play on time." (No effort to meet partner's need to eat).

One key of abusive/unhealthy relationships is the abusers naturally DENY the victim's right to have needs. They want to pretend that only their OWN needs matter, and that everyone else SHOULDN'T HAVE needs. They will call people with normal needs "needy" or "clingy" as way to justify NOT meeting their partner's needs.

I've had clients date someone only 1 time per week (with no calls or contact in-between) who are called "clingy" or "needy" when they ask to speak more often. This is a classic example.

7. Having empathy for each other. In a healthy relationship, partners are able to "feel" what they other is feeling (bad or good -- they can step into this person's shoes). Whether or not they agree with their partner's viewpoint, they can wrap their minds and hearts around how their partner sees something.

Abusers don't have empathy, or they chose to IGNORE their natural empathy when in a rage state. Either way, they don't step into other people's shoes.

Healthy example: "Even though we don't have the same religion, I can understand that you were really moved by walking by this church today. I could see your whole face light up, and I know it touched you deeply."

Example 2. "I know you're so upset about your dad dying. I can tell you're hurting so deeply, and I want you to know I understand that you're feeling guilty and in pain."

Unhealthy example:
"I don't see how you feel at all. I just don't understand it." (and this partner doesn't care to try, either).

Example 2. "Whatever, just get over it." (no empathy).

8. Commitment to putting effort into the relationship.
People in healthy relationships know that relationships are like plants that need to be watered. You get what you give, and you are "making deposits" into a relationship bank account, that you can later draw on. This builds your relationship foundation for tougher times in the future.

Unhealthy people expect to put little to no effort into a relationship, and still withdraw from the "relationship bank account." This model simply doesn't work.

Healthy example: Effort is spent every single day on the relationship, even during busy times, any few spare minutes are spent to strengthen the relationship: sending a loving text, leaving behind a kind note, doing a thoughtful task around the house, making a quick call, or unwinding together at the end of the day. These efforts are enjoyable and are not seen as "work" but as a good thing -- they don't expect to be overly thanked, as it's expected to do these things. When temporary situations pull the partners away, they have a solid foundation to draw from, and easily weather "storms." Healthy people are not stingy about giving, and they are not greedy about getting -- there is a balance, and there is a feeling of there always being "enough" love to go around.

Unhealthy example: Other areas of life take priority. Work, hobbies, friends, or other areas make the top of the list, and tasks in these areas are always accomplished first and completely, before the relationship is considered. It's clear that the relationship is not #1, and perhaps not even #5! Many days pass with little-to-no effort put forth into the relationship. Efforts are seen as "work" and this person expects to be thanked for days for doing any task related to the relationship. "Hey I called you last Wednesday! You better appreciate that!" People like this may have intimacy issues (trouble getting close to others), and they often become workaholics or addicted to other things, as a way to avoid getting closet to people. Yet, despite not "depositing" into the relationship, they expect to "withdraw funds" whenever they'd like -- they might not have even called in weeks, but expect their partner to drop everything to help them. Affection is dolled out in small doses, with the unhealthy person's partner begging to act like Oliver, "Please sir, can I have some more??" "NO! You may not have more."

9. Healthy partners want to spend time together.
If people in a relationship don't want to spend much time together, or find excuses to not be together often, the relationship isn't healthy.

Healthy example, "I know I"m busy at work, so I'm hoping we can go to dinner tomorrow to just hang out for a while."

Unhealthy example, "I'm busy at work, and I can only unwind by hanging out with my friends. So I'll be with them for the next few days."

10. Healthy relationships show interest
In a healthy relationship, partners how interest in each other's lives, and each other. They want to know how your day went, and are interested in hearing about hobbies, friends and activities. They may want to come cheer on their partner at a sporting event, or just to see how they're new craft hobby is coming along. Unhealthy partners how little-to-no interest in each other's lives.

They also show interest in each other romantically. Both partners feel desired and wanted most of the time. In unhealthy relationships this is not the case, and there are many feelings of rejection.

10. Healthy partners are loyal
In healthy relationships, both partners are loyal to each other -- romantically, sexually and in terms of intimacy. This means they do not cheat on each other. They don't share romantic moments with other people (even if these moments are not specifically "sexual"), and they avoid intense emotional intimacy, except with their partner.

Healthy example: At the end of a long day, a couple talk about their days on the couch while recounting some of the more personal or private details from the day -- an embarrassing moment from the past might come up, etc. There are no strange phone calls or texts coming into their phones, and they have nothing to hide.

Unhealthy example: Though they may speak to each other, the couple don't speak in an intimate way. They only discuss the "facts" of what went on during the day. It's essentially the conversation of strangers. There is little-to-no-intimacy. Both may have other people who they "really talk to" and they have something to hide. Perhaps one or both of them meet with a "friend" or other member of the opposite sex occasionally to have dinner, and they discuss private and intimate things together (that should be shared only within their relationship) -- intimate "friendships" can lead to affairs quite easily, and they may continue this into a physical romantic affair, which they keep secret from their partner.

IN CONCLUSION:

If you've been lucky enough to have been raised in an emotionally HEALTHY household, good for you! Make sure to fine-tune though, since it's rare to have ALL 10 of the above areas met.

If you've been unlucky and grew up surrounded by UNHEALTHY individuals, you have some work to do. Work on realizing what's wrong with the way you were raised, and don't ASSUME that what you KNOW is what is RIGHT. Work hard to change your ways, and you CAN develop satisfying and HEALTHY relationships. Change is tough, but it's POSSIBLE with lots of work and by building new HABITS.

SO NOW THE QUESTION,HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE CHANGES?

Lack of health in relationships is SO destructive, it can be compared to any serious disorder, let's say alcoholism.

A friend recently pointed out to me that the 12 steps can be used for just about ANYTHING, not just drinking problems, but any sort of problems.

So let's apply that to relationship problems, as a solution. (Remember that you don't need to believe in God in order to follow this -- replace the word "God" with "ask a wise part of yourself." The process really makes sense for creating change,and I encourage you to give it a try.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.

LINKS:
http://www.ehow.com/about_6330289_healthy-vs_-relationship-verbal-abuse.html

Healthy versus unhealthy relationships, explained:

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm

Why rage is unhealthy anger: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/rage_vs_anger.htm

images from free digital photos.net

Quotes about love!

2011-07-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

"Love is like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low."
HENRY WARD BEECHE

Love isn't like money--the more you give away the more you get back, and the more you have to give.
S. M. STIRLING

Here are some ideas to keep in mind for all of my clients -- whether looking for "the one" or wanting to improve their existing relationship. Below are some quotes about love, but first, some thoughts of mine.

The world is an interesting place, because we see examples of AMAZING love, but also bitter hatred that causes people to do AWFUL terrible things -- from killing and torturing others, to kicking their own dog out of frustration, or doing strange things in relationships that are harmful emotionally or physically -- my clients often wonder, regarding relationships, "how could she do that?" or "how could he do that?" when these things are so harmful (and painful to the person on the receiving end).

Strength and weakness are the cause of both (love and hate). Read on for my thoughts on that.

1) You can give away love to everyone in non-romantic ways, from saying thank you to the check-out person with a smile, to being kind to a stranger, or listening to a friend who needs to talk, or saying a kind word to someone. Don't miss those opportunities to give it away, and will come back to you at a time when you least expect it, and most need it.

2) To love the most, you must become your most strongest self. Because love is a thing of strength, not weakness. Hate is an expression of weakness.

*People who are weak, and have not yet learned their power to become strong, will hate others to make themselves feel better, and to distract themselves from seeing their own weakness.

*Growing stronger yourself, enables you to love others more -- strength is the foundation of love: it is what calmness, an ability to face the truth, honesty, ethics, and integrity stand on. All of these characteristics are only possible with STRENGTH.

Weakness is running and hiding or lashing out at others, or showing hatred in order to stand on other people's backs to feel taller.

So if you find yourself surrounded by hate, know that you are surrounded by weakness. And make a choice about whether you stay in that situation.

If you find yourself hating, become a stronger person. How to do that? Shed your weaker self. Stop standing on other people's shoulders and sit on your own floor for a while, though it will hurt to do so. See the weakness in yourself and face it. Are you using hate to feel strong? Instead, feel strong by loving others, not harming them.

If you know someone who hates instead of loves, realize that they are weak. They are like a person who is starving and weights only 90 pounds trying to lift weights -- when you ask them to lift something for you, they ignore you, they yell that you should pick it up yourself, they say "what, are YOU too weak to lift it?" the insist YOU are weak, and they are strong, or they simply say "no" and leave it on the ground -- because they are WEAK, so they cannot lift up that weight from the ground, even if you need them to. Of course, for them to become strong they must acknowledge their weakness -- they can no longer make excuses or ignore the problem. And then they must begin day-by-day, lifting weights themselves, no matter how difficult. And eventually, in time, they'll be able to strengthen themselves enough that they can lift the weight, and they can be there for others and love.

If this is YOU that I'm describing, face the truth and reality you've feared. And look it in the eyes. Hurt. Then heal. And that's how you become stronger. By facing the truth, and no longer looking for ways to boost yourself up by using others and hating them, and standing on their backs to feel taller. Stand on your own, and cause no harm. See your own weakness, accept it, and then begin to change it.

To do that, 1) take responsibility for your actions, and their effect on others. 2) apologize for all harm you've caused. 3) Accept that some people will leave you for good, due to the harm you have caused. 4) Stop yourself from causing future harm, and if you start to feel weak and like hating people (to feel stronger), then remove yourself from the situation, return, and apologize. 5) get professional help.

Then you have the basis for love.

"They do not love that do not show their love."
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly.
LEO TOLSTOY, War and Peace

Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
WILLIAM BLAKE

There is a comfort in the strength of love;
'Twill make a thing endurable, which else
Would overset the brain, or break the heart.
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

True love is a durable fire,
In the mind ever burning.
SIR WALTER RALEIGH

To go through life without love is to travel through the world in a carriage with closed windows.
IVAN PANIN

Love is the key-note of the universe--
The theme, the melody.
HENRY ABBEY

What are your top goals? (for the near future)

2011-07-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

What are your TOP GOALS??

If you're like most people, you probably want to get in great shape for the summer! And that's a great do-able goal to have. But you might have a whole LIST of other goals on your mind. Write out your own GOAL LIST for the next few months, to focus you in on achieving what you WANT most.

To inspire you, here are some fun goals my client's are working on: (taken from a bunch of clients to protect their privacy). Are any of these goals your OWN goals too?

1) meeting the love of his/her life -- a legit soul-mate.
2) quitting the FT job and working as a financial trader full-time
3) moving to a foreign country (without already knowing the language!)
4) launching a brand new business (several ideas are on the table -- and learning to work from home without losing motivation)
5) expanding an existing business (let's not struggle, and how about a million dollars? why not?)
5) standing up to family and negative friends/avoiding negativity at the water cooler
6) making more friends who are also entrepreneurs (especially more local friends)
7) starting a family(soon!)
8) getting completely out of debt (for once and for all)
9) building up savings to start a family someday
10) getting in great shape for the summer -- hello six pack!
11) breaking into the fashion industry in NYC
12) learning Italian
13) finding the perfect Upper East Side apartment
14) going on more dates/getting more emails at online dating sites
15) getting on a reality show
16) making more single friends
17) make more couple friends
18) asking for a raisein the medical industry
19) leaving a successful career to find a more fulfilling career -- discovering it! A career that uses strengths.
20) finding more quality "marriage" type of women in Manhattan
21) building a house (designing the blue print!)
22) becoming financially independent -- no more pressure from the rents paying the rent!
23) moving to Manhattan
24) stopping emotional eating
25) becoming more confident as far as work/career and dating/relationships

How many of these goals are you OWN goals too? Write out your GOAL LIST for the near future. Then, next to each item, write a small task you can do to get started.

For example:
1) Lose 5 pounds. (task: google healthy recipes and print out tasty looking ones!)

free digital photos.net image

The story of the gold bar.

2011-06-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

"You are in the middle of the ocean with thirty five pounds of gold in your hands treading water -- no land in sight -- what do you do? Do you keep the gold bar and sink with it and drown, or do you let it go and swim away?" TRUST that if you LET GO of what's heavy, swim away, and follow your gut, you'll find riches and happiness that fill an island. But not if you've sunk to the bottom of the ocean first, you won't.

How to deal with STRESS in 5 Steps! Flip the switch to RELAXED.

2011-06-17T07:18:00.001-07:00

Are you STRESSED?
How to deal:

This can be business stress, relationship (or personal life) stress, or stress in ANY area of your life!

1) What are you in control of? (Make a list of actions you can take).

2) What aren't you in control of? (These are someone else's worries -- let go of them!

3) Picture your ideal end result -- what does it feel like to HAVE it? Capture this feeling, and feel it now. Visualize this result as much as possible.

4) Write down exactly what you want to happen. Make your goal clear as crystal.

5) And breathe! Deep breaths. Drink water, exercise, stretch, eat right, get enough vitamins, get a massage, get out into nature. Stress wrecks havoc on your body, so you need to deal with the physical effects as well.

Take a deep breath, Ahhh. Now that wasn't so tough, was it? Enjoy your peaceful feeling.

free digital photos. net, photo.

How to Set Yourself Free From the Chains of Fake Fear

2011-06-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Fake fear makes you feel TERRIFIED

If you feel deeply terrified of something (switching jobs, dating, starting a business, being alone, failing -- ANYTHING), then chances are you are dealing with FAKE FEAR, versus a realistic assessment of what's possible.

The truth won't make you feel terrified. It's just there, as a calm truth.

So feel your deepest terrors. Are you afraid of losing all your money? Being fired and losing your house? Being left by your boyfriend or girlfriend? Losing your health benefits? Being alone? Not getting the job you want?

LIST your fears, and analyze if they are actually TRUE, or if you've created artificial walls and barriers. Pull down those barriers and you become free. The truth will set you free (from these fake fears) -- you are FREE to do anything with your life.

But only if you remove the temporary walls you've put up.

I challenge you to boldly rip down those walls of fear, and to walk out with freedom towards what you TRULY want in life. I challenge you to do it.

You can see ANY situation from hundreds of viewpoints. So CHOOSE the viewpoint that aligns with the outcome you want to create.

You want to start a business? Then believing that all businesses FAIL is going to doom YOU to fail. It simply isn't true. Some businesses succeed. YOU CAN succeed. This new belief creates FREEDOM to create the result you want -- a successful business.

But if you STOP at the fake fear, you never break through to the result you actually WANT. And you live in the chains of fake fear, which tie you to the wrong things and make you unhappy. Cut the chains. Face the fears (list them), address if they ARE thoughts that will RESULT in the OUTCOME you want, or not. If not, CHANGE THEM.

I challenge you to do it today. You are the only one who can set yourself free, by seeing what is TRUE.

Are you living a lie?

2011-05-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

Life can be a great adventure, an epic romance, a beautiful quest, full of love and sunlight -- or it can be a closed dark closet, painful fearful doors sealed shut. It's up to you whether you keep those closet doors shut, or not. Feel the direction that's meant for you, and go towards it -- that fuzzy vague shimmering feeling: it's what you're meant for. It makes your heart resonate with peace and simplicity (but perhaps it seems impossible?) --, whether you think it's possible or not. It IS possible. TRUST. open. Feel what is meant for you and Go forward, even if you're terrified. Even if it seems to "make no sense" right now -- just keep going. You'll connect the dots later. Listen to the truth, listen to yourself, and live the truth -- even if that feels like giving up everything. It allows you to gain everything.

Give up on what the neighbors think.

Trade in the car if you can't afford it. Know you are more than your possessions, or what other people think of you. Those who judge you harshly or think little of YOU for "having little", are shallow people -- their minds and hearts are tiny like a toddler's swimming pool. They can't ever take you in fully, because they aren't deep enough to hold all of the ocean of what you are in their minds at once. Let go of people like this.

Let go of all of the lies. And be brave enough to see the truths. They are beautiful, because they are real. And peeling away the lies, leaves you raw, yes, and vulnerable, but also able to finally see the full shape of your strength -- which is enormous and earth-moving.

Let that strength out. It sits next to love, and abundance, and endless possibilities.

But to reach this, you must shed all of the layers of lies. The lies to yourself. The lies others have told you. The lies about what you "should" be, what you "should" believe.

Under all of this is the truth. It sits still. silently. Like the air in the sky. It's stable and always there. Lean on this truth, your own truth. And live by it always.

This is integrity, strength, and love -- and it's worth it. Go towards it.

Catty Women -- Tips for Dealing with Them.

2011-05-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

Just featured again in Galtime.com, my tips on handling catty women!

Read it here:
http://tinyurl.com/3ncb4p8

Quotes...

2011-05-26T21:37:00.001-07:00

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Adversity introduces a man to himself. ~Author Unknown

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. ~Max Lerner

Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity is a greater. ~William Hazlitt

It is better to drink of deep griefs than to taste shallow pleasures. ~William Hazlitt, Characteristics, 1823

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. ~Albert Einstein

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. ~William Feather

Don't miss speed dating/networking based on personality type compatiblity!

2011-05-17T13:37:00.001-07:00

This Tuesday May 24th at 7pm.

Sign up to join us!

Add This To Your Dating Laundry-List: 5 Reasons Why Emotional Maturity is Vital for Long-Term Relationships Success!

2011-05-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

When dating, most people focus on "how cute is this person" and "are they fun?" This is just fine for casually dating or finding new acquaintances.

However, when wanting something more serious and lasting, it's easy to forget to focus on the qualities that matter most in marriage. Even the most cute and fun person can be a nightmare if they lack the essential qualities that a good long-term relationship/marriage require.

Number one on this list? Emotional maturity!

Emotional maturity isn't awarded to us when we reach physical maturity. And many "successful" adults can be completely lacking in this quality. They can have jobs and seemingly "normal" lives, yet they are living essentially with the same maturity and decision-making approach as an 11-year-old. Uh, who would want to date or marry that??

See tips on spotting these types below!

Of course, no one is going to volunteer that they're seriously lacking in maturity. They probably won't even realize this quality about themselves, since it's how they've always lived. Their examples (such as parents) are probably equally immature, so it seems normal to them -- so good luck trying to "help" someone like this. Chance are, they don't get it, and probably won't ever learn.

The Journal of Marriage and Family in 1966 found that Emotional Maturity was hugely important for "marriageability."

Seeking a person with this set of attributes is very important for long-term marriage happiness -- and it's something to add to your laundry list of important qualities for your dream partner.

So what is this definition of Emotional Maturity? (note that the word "he" can be exchanged for "she" in any of the following).

The Emotionally Mature person is able to:

1) Deal with stress/taking responsibility -- he accept responsibility for problems he brings on himself. He doesn't blame others or outside forces. The immature person will blame others and deal with stress by avoiding reality and distracting himself, i.e, binge drinking, drugs, watching tons of TV or excess sleeping.

Put it into practice. When you arrive too late to the theater to watch a movie, does he blame the traffic and get angry? Does he blame the weather? Does he blame the theater for having too-early movie times? Does he say these things "just happen" and "that's life?" Does he say "life is unpredictable. You just have to deal with these random events." You're dealing with an emotionally immature person. BAD.

If he instead take responsibility and says "Next time I've gotta remember to leave earlier," and despite being annoyed, is able to stay calm, congrats! You've got an emotionally mature person on your hands! If he can identify the part he played in a negative outcome, GOOD job.

Does he or she handle anger like a 13-year-old boy or girl? You're in trouble!

2) Able to handle anger -- he should be able deal with anger in a harmless way. We ALL get angry. We don't all punch people in the nose, overturn tables, verbally attack others or binge drink. The emotionally mature person addresses their anger in positive ways, or at least ways that don't harm others emotionally or physically.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy has just been rejected from his dream promotion, for no good reason. He's pissed. This is where emotional maturity/immaturity rears it's ugly or attractive head.

GOOD -- If he's able to deal in a positive way -- let's say he takes a time out, discusses it with some friends, reflects on it, perhaps realizes an important lesson, re-accesses his career goals, focuses on what he can do about it to improve the situation, hits the gym, writes about his rage in a journal, then CONGRATS, you've got an emotionally mature winner on your hands. The key is that he isn't attacking anyone physically or mentally. His anger is addressed in a harmless way.

BAD -- If he goes off in an angry rant, calls you a bitch, says it's all your fault (who knows how, but somehow), gives you the silent treatment, punches someone, destroys something, goes out binge drinking, isn't able to talk about it calmly (after a period of time), goes out gambling, can't address his feelings and instead plays video games for weeks, then sorry, game over. Emotional loser on your hands.

Coping with authority is a great life-skill to have.

3) Can deal with authority -- emotionally mature people can cope with authority, but aren't dependent on it. This means they can be respectful to the IRS agent when they get audited, without cussing them out or storming out of the room. They can be polite to their boss. But they aren't dependent on being submissive to authority -- their life doesn't depend on pleasing the boss. They aren't weak or meek "please kick me again" types. His world doesn't revolve around pleasing the boss (or his parents), at the expense of other areas of his life -- the mature guy can say "no." Mama's or Daddy's boy or slave-to-the-boss are both unattractive, because it's maladaptive, and it's simply immature.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy is asked to do an extra report at work.

GOOD -- Emotionally-mature guy is able to handle it. He doesn't get pissed off and scream at the boss. He doesn't storm out of the room. He can stay calm and figure out how to get the work done. However, he has a line. Past the line, he'll have a discussion with his boss about how doing (an extreme amount) of extra work will negatively impact his family life, and he'll set a boundary that he prefers his boss not go past. He'll be able to negotiate this in an assertive, but calm and respectful way.

BAD -- Immature guy can't deal with authority at all. He must make a fool of himself whenever someone has power or a police uniform on. He'll either rebel or play "devil's advocate" to the extreme, being so contrary as to appear like a jerk, thinking he's some kind of awesome James Dean, when he looks more like a 12-year-old boy: throwing a tantrum, doing something passive aggressive (such as just "forgetting" to do the report), giving the silent treatment, send a nasty email, spread a rumor, take it out on his co-worker by bulling him into doing the report for him, telling off the boss behind his back, etc. Essentially, making the situation tons worse for all involved, and possibly getting himself fired.

OR, he'll go to the other extreme, bending over backwards to please the authority figure (at any cost). He'll look like a ridiculous eager-to-please monkey, pathetically chasing the authority figure's approval. He'll work all night long, or accept any kind of horrible treatment -- he doesn't respect himself enough to say "no." He's probably never said "no" in his life, to anyone who he feels holds any power. He'll be that guy who is a puppet to his parents' desires as well -- "My mom thinks I should buy a condo in Brooklyn, so I think I'll do that." Or, "My dad says it's about time for me to settle down, so I guess I'll go on match.com." He'll not even consider doing things his OWN way. He's like a little boy, eagerly trying to please mommy, daddy or teacher/boss.

Can he ponder the future consequences of a choice?

4) Balance/Integrity -- The emotionally mature guy knows his values. He's thought about them enough to know. He's pondered life, and what's important to him. He's considered the idea of balance, and living with integrity is important to him. He's a grown-up. The immature guy -- what ARE these ideas? Grab a typical teenager. "Integrity? What's that?" Children and teens are typically selfish, short-term thinkers, who haven't yet matured to the point of considering these concepts.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy is faced with a dilemma. Should he throw a co-worker under the bus to get a promotion himself?

GOOD: He's able to tap into his sense of integrity and values. He makes this decision in line with that, no question. Even if it's difficult on him in the short-term, he knows it's long term "the right thing to do." He'll suffer that initial pain, because it's in line with what he ultimately wants. He has a moral compass that he's developed from defining his life's philosophies. He knows where he stands on most issues. While willing to hear other viewpoints, or even evolve his beliefs as he learns more in life, he always has a sense of why he's doing what he's doing -- it's not just for "no reason" or a short-term pull to do something.

Can he see past the short-term pull? Or must have have his popsicle, NOW!

BAD: He'll do short-term, whatever is best for him. Like a kid stealing all the cookies from the jar and then lying about it. Works for me! There is no further thought beyond this, like a child. He'll alter his "values" so much that he can't remember why he did what. He has a bad memory, because he can't face himself in the mirror, and he tries to forget what he's done. He'll also blame others to justify he's unethical decisions. "Only the tough survive, it's evolution," he'll say, as a reason to do unethical things. Deep down, he knows he's full of crap though, which is why he's defensive.

Does he promise he didn't eat that missing cookie?

5) Self-control -- The emotionally-mature guy has self-control. He can evaluate (in advance) if taking an action is a good idea, or NOT. He can evaluate a variety of consequences. "Should I scream at my girlfriend right now? Should I call her a fat bitch? Would that be a good idea? hmm. Maybe not. How about I say something more constructive." That would be the thought process of the emotionally mature guy. The not-self-controlled guy would spit out the hurtful words without a second though. And then he'd blame someone else for having said it. Someone, of course, "made" him say it, or do it. "Tommy made me hit him, because he stole my cookie!"

Self-control enables him to achieve all of the previous 4 steps. He can control his emotions to as not do anything reckless. His emotions don't get the best of him. He can find a balanced place of calmness in any situation, regardless of how volatile that situation is. Yoda would be proud. Even in intense situations, he can step back and find his footing without "losing it." A child has NO self-control, which is why they are a child still. A mature adult has the ability to control themselves: their words, and their actions.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy is caught in a stressful situation. Let's say his in-laws have just made a critical comment about him.

GOOD: Can he keep it together enough to stay classy, yet assertive? Can he find his footing and confidence enough to keep that composure, and consider his actions in advance? Even though he's furious, can he ask himself "What would the best response be in this situation?"

BAD: With no self control, it's like he has Tourette's Syndrome. He spits out whatever he feels, no matter how tactless, rude, or relationship-damaging. He takes whatever action he feels like, without considering the consequences. He might even resort to physical violence, since he doesn't think ahead to possible outcomes that could happen. And then, he'll blame everything under the sun to excuse his bad behavior.

So as you can see, emotional maturity is HUGELY important for any long-term relationship. Lacking this essential quality can make for a horrible relationship, despite someone being great in all other areas. Make sure that you notice where your dates rank in term of EM, before you take things to the next level.

EM is a choice. It can be developed in anyone who is willing. However, the benefits for someone to say emotionally IMMATURE are obvious. They feel they can do or say anything with no bad consequences. It's FUN to steal the cookie, eat it, and blame someone else. You DO get to eat the cookie, don't you? So you can see why it's difficult to try to change someone who lacks maturity. They have to WANT to change. And if they don't see the damaging effects of staying emotionally IMMATURE, such as the effects to their career, character, relationships, etc., than they will likely not seek to change.

Keep this in mind in your dating, all! :)

photos from free digital phots. net.

Spring

2011-04-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

Spring is a beautiful time of new beginnings.

It's a time to plant new flowers, and to watch old seeds finally blossom.

It's also a time to clear out the plans that have failed, and are withering, and the weeds that are simply taking up space and draining away sunlight and soil nutrients from the good flowers that need these resources.

What do you need to uproot?

What do you need to plant?

What are you excited to see finally blossom?

Remember that even a blank plot of soil is a beautiful thing -- so if you life feels empty and depressing, you have a whole endless field of raw potential to work with -- plan exactly what you want, uproot what you don't, and watch your field become a beautiful place to be.

Can you see yourself running through the fields, laughing -- smiles lit with golden sunlight --joking with others, chasing children, or whatever beautiful things you can imagine? See it, and know that your vision will be created by your intention, your actions, and your strong belief that YOU CAN CREATE anything you set your mind to.

Even if ahead of you is a field of weeds to be pulled, endless brown ugly dirt -- know all that matters are the seeds in your pocket. And plant.

Some will be flowers, some weeds, but all the matters is that you sow the seeds.

Promise-breakers revealed

2011-04-22T10:06:00.001-07:00

Promises may fit the friends, but non-performance will turn them into enemies. ~Benjamin Franklin

Promises are agreements which bond people together, both in relationships and business. And breaking promises is a great way to create distrust, weak relationships, and lack of cooperation -- it's an antisocial behavior, much like lying, that can be extremely destructive to relationships, both in business and personal life.

A new study shows the people who break promises have different brain activity than those who don't. Despite the fact that both initially appear the same as they swear to keep their promise.

The study from the University of Zurich revealed that brain activity may reveal malicious intentions far before the deceit is performed -- breaking a promise triggers an emotional conflict as the promise-breaker struggles to provide an honest-seeming response -- this shows up on the brain scans.

Perhaps in the future you may be able to scan a murder's brain to see if they will in fact plan on harming again? Or perhaps you'll be able to tell if your date really does in intend to do what he says he will?

http://www.physorg.com/news179585680.html
published in the journal Neuron on December 10, 2009.

TIPS TO KEEP YOUR PROMISES:

Are you a promise breaker? If you strongly insist you aren't, you may in fact BE a promise breaker. Those who break promises often FEEL that they keep their word, as explained below. Try these tips.

1. GET REAL -- People who make promises need to live with themselves, so they write elaborate stories that explain away any wrong-doing. "Well it wasn't my fault I didn't show up on Friday, because I always get stuck at the office and she should have known I have a tough job and can't always make it to places." Believing these elaborate fantasies is a way to avoid dealing with the real problem: you break promises. When you find yourself explaining away your last broken promise (either to yourself or others) STOP, and take responsibility instead. You CHOSE to break a promise -- it's as simple as that.

2. ADMIT THE MISTAKE -- The best way to re-build trust after a broken promise is to admit what you've done. We all make decisions -- decisions don't just land in our laps. Tell the person you've let down that you understand what you've done. Of course, only do this if you DO understand the harm you've caused. Otherwise, that would be called lying. "Look Jane, I'm sorry I didn't show up for your concert like I promised. I'm sure that hurt you to not see me at the after party. I made a mistake by committing, when I wasn't sure I could make it."

3. REMEDY THE MISTAKE -- A promise is a debt that you intend to pay. Not paying it makes you an unreliable debter. You now have to 1) show that you can be reliable, and 2) You still owe the debt (your promise that you made). To remedy the situation, make a new promise (of equal or greater value) to repay that initial broken one. And KEEP it. If you break this promise twice, you're pretty much going to be shown the door. "Jane I'm so sorry I couldn't make it and let you down. I know it doesn't fix the past, but perhaps this weekend I could take you to an orchestra concert that I think you'll enjoy. I promise I will make it this time, and if work comes up, I'll leave anyway."

4. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU COMMIT TO -- The saying goes, "A promise, like a baby, is easy to make and hard to deliver." A promise is truly a debt you intend to pay someone -- so don't take on those debts carelessly, unless you want to breed a lot of distrust, anger and hurt in your relationships. Some people try to please everyone, saying "yes" and "sure I'll be there!" This may be due either to a fear that people will reject them if they say "no" or an inflated sense of confidence -- they truly believe they CAN do it all, and don't realize they end up dropping half those balls in the air every time. Of course, either way, letting half of the people down in the end pleases no one, and ends up angering the very people they feared saying "no" to intially, making it more likely the person will be rejected.

When someone asks a favor of you...
1) Consider if you WANT to do it?
2) Consider if you CAN do it?
3) Consider if you WILL do it -- will you do it 100%? Your only excuse would be getting hit by a bus and dying. Otherwise, you'll be held responsible.
4) Consider if something else comes up, will you STILL do it?

ONLY THEN, if all 4 categories are fulfilled, should you say "SURE, I PROMISE TO DO IT." If all 4 are not 100% DON'T PROMISE.

Try these tips and perhaps you can improve your promises, which makes for stronger relationships, better businesses and careers, and happier lives.

photo from: free digital photos. net

WHY MISTAKES ARE GOOD FOR US

2011-04-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

Mistakes are a good thing that allow us to fine-tune, realize when we're off course, and make a better choice next time. 1) own up, 2) Learn 3) Forgive yourself 4) Choose a new choice next time. Don't fear the mistake. Fear not fixing it.

Making mistakes help us to break through to the next level. They help us fine-tune.

Don't fear making a mistake.

Does anyone remember learning to ice-skate or roller skate? There is a point where a beginner is able to stand up on the skates and hesitantly move forward, without falling. "Yay, no falling!"

However, are they really "skating?" Not really. I mean, look at any rink at the beginners who look like terrified stiff robots -- they're able to somehow propel themselves forward, seemingly without moving their arms or legs. They appear to need a push from a friend to pick up any speed. They've found one way to "skate" that includes holding their body in a stiff way, and they look pretty ridiculous as they "move" along, knowing if they were to move any limbs -- or even a pinki toe -- they would probably fall.

Side note -- This is how most of us live our lives -- We say "well, I'm still standing! So I'll just keep doing this (going to this job, staying in this relationship, etc.) "Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I won't fall!" And no, you won't fall. But you won't skate either! You won't live your life to the fullest or use your potential either.

Now back to the skating rink -- unless these beginning skaters plan on always looking like a ridiculous robot, they are going to have to take things to the next level. They are certainly going to have to fall in order to learn the next stages of skating.

Ironic isn't it? To learn to skate better, you have to be willing to fall.

"Hmm maybe I'll move my leg out here" *splat*. You fall. And you learn NOT to move your leg that way. "Maybe I'll put my leg over here" *you don't fall, but glide along beautifully. You keep that technique. And so on.

Without the falls, there is no learning or knowledge. There is no improvement.

So when you're facing a fall, remember, it's how we learn.

THIS IS HOW THE PROCESS WORKS:

1) own up -- you must acknowledge that you've just fallen; otherwise you won't learn. If you deny it "That wasn't a fall, it was a slip." Then you WON'T learn. So own up. "Okay, I made a mistake." If your mistake involves others, apologize to them too. If you're part of a skating duo and you drop your partner, tell them you're sorry.

2) Learn -- What is the lesson here? It's not that you're a terrible person. It's that you need to choose a new action next time. This action didn't work. So learn that lesson.

3) Forgive yourself -- beating yourself up for years "I'm such a horrible skater, I can't believe I fell! I suck" will get you no where. So feel some pain, but then make a conscious choice to forgive yourself. We all deserve to be forgiven. Take away the lesson, forget the rest.

4) Choose a new choice next time -- what will you do next time this comes up? Have your choice already decided and clear in your mind. "Next time I'll keep my balance."

5) Don't fear future mistakes -- Fear not fixing it. Mistakes will happen whenever you learn something new. And if you're living to the fullest, you'll be learning new things everyday.

photos from: www. freedigitalphotos net

Emotion versus logic in decisions. Which is the "better" approach?

2011-04-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

How often do you hear people say to "follow your heart" or to "make a pro/con" list? There is much debate about the best way to make decisions, and you hear it everyday -- especially during rush hour on the subway: "You're so illogical!" or "You have no heart!"

Surprisingly, neither emotion or logic is the best way to make a decision.

What is the better choice? Go with your gut! Your gut seamlessly combines all of the information from both your logical left brain, and the information from your emotional right brain, and spits out a perfect solution that resonates and feels "right" to both your logic and emotional sides.

That's right, both logic and emotion is a limited source of information. Your logic is like a computer print-out with a list of facts. Your emotions are like the indicator lights on your car dash board, alerting you to possible problems within the car. Both contain valuable sources of information when making a decision, but neither approach allows us to see the full picture.

Now, here comes your gut instinct, your intuition, a strong sense of things being on the right track, or NOT.

However, most of us choose to ignore this brilliant gut-instinct approach to decision-making, and instead rely heavily either on logic (especially those in business, sciences, or in corporate jobs), or on emotion (especially those who work in the arts, with people, or in creative fields).

BOTH logic and emotion are sources of solid information -- however -- it remains unprocessed until your gut instinct comes into play.

EXAMPLE OF LOGICAL-DECISION-MAKING FAILURE:

Your logic spits out a nice, neat little list of things that should make sense, like a computer print out of facts.

However, this list doesn't always apply to your life, your personality, and host of other factors. You can end up making a very foolish decision working from your logic alone.

1) Example -- If your logic tells you, "Always purchase the cheaper product to save money." and you're faced with a decision of choosing a surgeon for open heart surgery -- one doctor charges $500 less. The other doctor has a better reputation for keeping people alive. Your logic chimes in "Look, we're saving $500!" So you select that option. Neglecting to notice a host of other considerations you should be making, such as the value of your life, how comfortable you'll be in the shady cheaper doctor's operating table, lingering infections that could cost you more money long-term due to poor care, or the fact that some things may be more important to you than money -- such as your life.

Let's say you go with the cheaper doctor, and die. But you did save $500! Was that the best decision? Obviously not.

2) Another example -- your logic tells you "Save money on groceries! They are cheaper across town at the ghetto market." You drive an hour across town. You save $20 on groceries, however, you've also spent $15 on gas and wasted about two hours of your time -- time which you could have spend applying to new jobs which could result in a $20,000 pay increase for the next year. Can we say "penny-wise, pound foolish?"

You did save $20 though. Wasn't that logical of you?

Yes, both of these examples are logically sound. You saved $500 in the first example, and you saved $20 in the second, which makes sense since purchasing cheaper products DOES save money.

EXAMPLE OF FEELING-DECISION-MAKING FAILURE:

Emotion also can lead you astray. Feeling provides you with important feedback about how your body is reacting to your thoughts . Feelings of happiness, fear, etc., will show you which thoughts you have been thinking.

1) Example -- If you are thinking "I love to buy new electronics! It's exhilarating!" Then you will feel an over whemling sense of joy as you walk through the electronics store.

As you approach a giant television that costs $1000, your emotions again alert you "WE ARE THINKING GOOD THINGS! I'M FEELING HAPPY!" Basing your decision off of emotion alone will lead you to purchase this television, neglecting the logic of the situation: you are in debt, and you don't have $1000.

Sure, you will feel fantastic! However, you've just gotten yourself deeper into debt. When the bill arrives later this month, you're going to feel anxious and depressed. Was that really the best decision to buy the television?

2) Another example -- You walk through the grocery store, and notice yourself feeling really happy as you walk through the expensive health food section. You feel a surge of joy, as you stuff your basket full of the priciest options you've ever seen. Then you attack the specialty cheese sections, throwing in $9 cheese wheels, and adding in some expensive wine.

"This feels great! It's like I'm changing my whole life for the better!"

You feel fantastic. Until you leave the check-out stand and look at your receipt. $350 for groceries! How is that even possible! Now you can't even pay your utility bill this month.

Was that the best decision? Of course not.

You get the idea. Neither logic or feeling alone paint the whole picture of what the best decision really is.

HOW TO USE YOUR GUT INSTINCT TO MAKE DECISIONS:

To combine your logic and emotion together into a stellar approach that really does result in drastically improved decisions -- it's what I train my entrepreneurs, financial traders and CEOs to do, a well as my single clients who are dating -- they all use this approach. You'll notice a big improvement in the quality of your decisions.

1) Sit down, be quiet, and listen to yourself -- this is really hard to do. Your instinct will be to go back to watching TV, reading, paying bills or whatever mindless tasks you usually use to distract yourself (from yourself -- and how ridiculous is that? When you have brilliant solutions already, just waiting to be discovered!)

2) Ask yourself the question you need answered. "What should I do about ____.

3) Allow yourself to ponder for a solid minute.

4) If you still don't have an answer, e.g., you feel torn, confused, pulled in two directions, or have a feeling of "I just don't know!" - - that's a clue you aren't yet tuned into your intuition. Remove the element that is pulling you in two directions -- for instance, if your issue is cost, take cost out of the equation. If your issue is letting someone down, take that off the table.

5) Again allow yourself to ponder for a solid minute "What should I do?"

6) Almost always within 5 minutes you'll have an answer. You may need to repeat the question a few times.

ONLY 5 MINUTES TO A BRILLIANT SOLUTION! Why don't we always operate this way? Because it's PAINFUL the first time you do it, because it flies in the face of what you're used to.

But it's really not so bad. You're rewarded with the perfect answer that you have consciously decided.

Of course, there are more in-depth steps to the process, including learning the signals your body gives you when you are in a "place of intuition" and those that signal you are blocking yourself, as well as what to do about that. If you need more in-depth help with this, contact me for a coaching session.

Conscious decisions feel darn good. Why? Because you're making a choice, instead of allowing life to pass you by and have others make decisions for you.

This is the reason most of us have for having NO IDEA how to make a good, gut-instinct-decision for ourselves.

THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE DECISIONS THAT WORK FOR YOU

When you're a 5-year-old, you're forced to have MOST of the decisions in your life made for you. You're lucky if someone asks what color shirt you want to wear today. And there isn't much option here: if you want to be taken care of and survive, you've gotta give in, and go with the flow.

But today, as an ADULT, you are given the freedom to select things you actually WANT for your life.

The problem is that many of us have been trained from a young age to automatically accept OTHER people's DECISIONS as our own. Even if those decisions are the wrong ones for you.

This means you're not trained to understand your own power for making decisions, and it leaves you feeling powerless, like a victim, and like you are floating along on a river waiting for something to happen -- this truly is the life of a 5-year-old. Passive.

It's not the life of the adult you're meant to be. So choose to make these decisions, consciously, as an adult should, and to make them SOUND, good, and brilliant decisions using the process above.

Let me show you what a good decision sounds like:

"I really pondered this. Initially, I wanted to hire a cheaper doctor to save money. I think saving money makes sense. However, I then got an anxious feeling. I asked myself what that feeling was, and I realized I was scared a lesser-known doctor might not perform as well. I thought about it more, and asked myself, "What's more important to me: my life or the cost of the surgery?" I then realized I really value my life most of all. It makes the most sense to go with a better doctor, even if I initially lose some money. I can make more money in my career, and I plan on working extra hours to make that money later this year, but I can never get my life back if I die under the knife of someone with a poor reputation."

This example shows a person going through a process of considering both logic and emotion, but ultimately deciding based on a gut-instinct feeling, which is bolded above. There is a sense of clarity, and the decision may even feel obvious to you.

Good luck in adding this process to your daily life!

photos above: free digital photos.net

How to know if you are being used

2011-04-15T11:39:00.001-07:00

It happens at work, in business, and in our personal lives. There is a person who seems nice, always ready to help you out -- HOWEVER, you have a nagging feeling of insecurity. Are you being used? Or is it something else?

This is how to tell if you are being used:

1) FEAR -- If you ever denied one of their requests, you FEAR a negative reaction, perhaps they would even fire you, de-friend you, or terminate whatever relationship you currently have.
This is the number one SIGN that you are being used! ding, ding, ding!

Users send messages that denying their request would spell doom for you -- and this is how they manipulate you.

If you are worried that saying any of the following "No, sorry, I can't finish that extra report tonight; I can't help you move; I won't do your homework for you this time; I can't make it tonight; or I don't have time to help you buy a new TV," then you are probably dealing with a people-user.

Whether you CHOOSE to ALLOW them to manipulate you, is up to you.

2) FAVORS -- Users try their best to appear helpful at all times. They'll do a (very small) favor for you and then use that create a sense of guilt and obligation in you. They'll remind you frequently of "all they did for you" to make you see how they are entitled to whatever they are asking for (or likely, demanding). Beware of the person who constantly offers small things. "Hey, I can put you in touch with this person!" or "I have a book to give to you" or "I got you this amazing gift!" The user magnifies the importance of these small favors as VERY IMPORTANT. It's not a side note, it's a BIG deal. They WILL expect you to repay these HUGE favors of course!

Sometimes they will do a larger favor for you also (something very important to you), but keep in mind -- they will expect 5x the value of whatever favor they do for you. They'll lend you $100 and expect you to lend them $1000. And they'll expect you'll be forever indebted to them.

3) NO ROOM FOR YOUR NEEDS -- a user could care less about YOUR needs. They only care about their OWN NEEDS. This is why they are a user. So if you mention your needs, they will IGNORE them, or even ARGUE with you. They'll try to convince you why their way makes the most sense.

"Why do you need to work Sat? You need to help me move. It's very important. I helped you with that BIG favor when I put you in touch with so-and-so."

"I know you're tired, but it's really important that you give me a ride home. You don't want me stranded here do you?"

Um, hello! EVERYONE has needs. So why are you sacrificing your own in favor of the users? Playing a martyr will NEVER be rewarded by a user. It's a green light encouraging the user to USE YOU even more often.

4) THEY PLAY ON YOUR INSECURITIES -- What are your insecurities? Discover what your insecurities are, because users will play on them. If you feel a little bit not as pretty or handsome as you should be, the user will be quick with a compliment. This is a girl who says "Wow, great shirt" while squeezing your (possibly imaginary) biceps, or the guy who says "Amazing dress" when you kinda know it's kinda not that stunning. Then they'll be quick to ask for a favor, "Hey would you mind doing_____." You are of course still starry-eyed from that compliment, and quickly agree to do inconvenient things. Wash, rinse and repeat.

Are you insecure about your: looks, education, smarts, job, fitness level, background? Notice people who seem eager with compliments in the areas you feel most insecure about. You BROADCAST to others your insecurities, even if you don't realize it. This gives users the ability to use you.

5) TRY DENYING A REQUEST -- To test if this person is a user, try denying a request. Are they able to handle it? Can they understand you have your own life, needs and things you need to do? Sure, a non-user might be upset for a minute, but will ultimately understand. A user will NOT understand. They'll NEVER get your perspective. They will not forgive you for denying a request, and they might even threaten you with harmful things -- "I'll fire you, defriend you, etc." This a clear sign to GET THE HECK OUT of this situation.

A good non-user person may get upset, but they will ultimately understand, and they won't de-friend you or fire you. They'll be reasonable. Maybe you can't work 17 hours today, they get it. Maybe you can't help them move into a 5-flight walk-up apartment when your knee is busted. They understand. THE USER WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

So look at your own list of business associates, friends, acquaintances, even family members. Who are the users on your list?

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE USER

1. When asked for a request, ask for time to think it over. Say "Let me check my calendar, check with my spouse, ask my boss if I have to work, etc."

2. Think to yourself "Do I really want to do this?" If the feeling of obligation weren't there, would I do it?

3. If you don't want to do it, politely decline. If you GENUINELY are thrilled to do it, then do. Give a reasonable reason why you're choosing not to.

4. Accept that the user may get extremely upset -- it's what they do. Remember that a good person will want you in their life (FOR YOU -- you are enough, and they'll want to spend time with you), regardless of whether you help pick up their laundry on Tuesday or not. If you want to, tell the user "I know you want this, but I hope you understand that I have my own life and things that are important to me too. I know it's difficult to not get what you want sometimes, but that's how relationships are. I need you to realize that we both have things we want, and while I wish I could give you all you ask for, there will be times I can't."

5. Be courageous and know that a good relationship will endure. And a bad one will break. Either way, it's ultimately for the best!! Negative people are toxic and can prevent you from being happy.

6. Seek out non-users. The more people you have who support and sincerely care for you, the less need you will have to have users in your life.

Good luck!

WHY USER'S USE

Unfortunately, users have learned that the ONLY way they can get what they want is through manipulation, guilt, or forcing others. This is unhealthy. It's a lack-mentality. It's a similar feeling a robber has "I have to steal this, because otherwise I'll never get it! (through legal means)"

Simiarly, the user fears that having a sincere relationship of give-and-take (the equivalent of a "legal" purchase) would mean their needs would go unmet. So they steal (from you, via a user-relationship). Sadly, they've had pasts that created this untrue belief, but now it's their responsibility to improve. Therapy is a great way for them to do that, but most will never admit they have a problem.

P.S.
If you're in a user-relationship, I can help you to deal with it in life coaching sessions. If you yourself are a user, I strongly suggest getting into therapy to improve your untrue beliefs. It's no fun to be a user, since your relationships aren't built on sincerity.

Micro-managers hurt performance...

2011-04-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

A micro-manager is like a parent who forbids their child learn bicycle riding, because they might get hurt. And that child, lacking the experience to know how to ride a bike, risks getting severely hurt if they should ever hop on a two-wheeler. Versus the parent who lets the child learn (and fall off a few times), until they are a solid and strong bicycle rider. Giving a child, or an employee, that freedom creates a stronger performance.

This great article explains that micromanaging hurts performance by reducing an employee's ability to experiment and learn.

Three professors from Rice University and Harvard Business School examined the performance of "hosts" at six MGM-Mirage Group hotel/casinos -- hosts are suppose to give high-rollers comps (free hotel rooms, discounts, show tickets, etc.). These casinos keep careful track of high-roller data, and they know the amount a high-roller usually spends -- they give the 40 percent comp on the amount the high-roller is expected to spend, whether or not they actually spend that amount on any particular trip.

Hosts which were micromanged performed worst -- they gave away the wrong amount of comps. The opposite of what you'd expect from the "I'm watching you" approach their managers took. Why? Because they were so closely watched, they were afraid to take any risks or experiment, resulting in a lack of understanding of the process of comping. They didn't learn from mistakes, because they weren't allowed to make any. So ironically, they ended up making more mistakes.

Those hosts which were given freedom to experiment failed faster, quickly learning the right balance that resulted in the perfect 40 percent comp give-away.

By controlling these host employees too much, the managers prevented them from learning.

It's also a concept in parenting. To let your kids have structure, support, safety and love, but to also allow the freedom to be who they are, to learn and grow through experience.

This is really about giving others the freedom to be human. And to succeed in the ways we're meant to. Controlling others does not result in anything good except for a power-trip for the controller. Know anyone like that? I bet you do. Don't be that person.

So empower your people to fail faster, learn, experiment, and master their jobs. That requires support and structure, but also a certain degree of independence.

Give your employees this power. Don't smother your people, or your reduce performance (and profits of course).

P.S.
This is a similar concept to what I use in my life coaching sessions -- allowing clients freedom to learn and grow: to remove barriers, to not fear results, but to act. The action gets results, which can then be tweaked. Step by step, removing these barriers to success results in great performance by learning. Fail faster, learn faster, and succeed faster.

4 Conversations-Starting Tips for Your Next Network Event

2011-04-04T11:44:00.001-07:00

Just appeared in this NFIB Small Business Article, 4 Conversations-Starting Tips for Your Next Network Event: http://www.nfib.com/nfib-on-the-move/nfib-on-the-move-item?cmsid=56447

4 Conversations-Starting Tips for Your Next Network Event

Networking for Small Business

Networking events can be awkward, leaving you with sweaty palms, and little return on your investment of time and energy. But done right, they can connect you with future customers, employees and a sprawling web of vital contacts to help you in a pinch.

Here are four tips to banish your inner wallflower and have great conversations at your next meet and greet.

1. Begin With the End in Mind

First things first: it’s important to know what you want out of a networking event by defining what success looks like, says Julie Melillo, a New York-based life and business coach who shepherds CEOs and entrepreneurs through the social side of business. “Do you want to leave this networking event with 50 business cards? Do you want to make one lasting friendship? Do you want people to remember you in the future? Getting clear on what reasonable goal you’re looking to attain is important,” she says. Your answer should inform your interactions for the rest of the event, she says.
2. Use a Closer to Open

Conventional wisdom holds that it’s best to start a conversation with an open-ended question—give your conversational partner a chance to talk about herself, the thinking goes.

Not so at networking events, says Melillo. An open-ended question can make another networker feel obligated to speak with you. On the other hand, “asking a close-ended question, ‘Oh hi, are you on the committee that runs this event?’ allows the other person the freedom to say ‘No, sorry,’ and leave. Or, ‘Yes, I am.’” If the other person seems interested in chatting, then follow up with an open-ended question, Melillo says.

3. Comment on Your Surroundings

Don’t feel like you have to be all business all the time, says Melillo. A great way to help the conversation along, she says, is to open with a remark on your mutual atmosphere. Melillo advises trying something like: “Wow they really have amazing work at this gallery, don’t they?” or “This brie is really good, have you tried it?” After you’ve posed your opening question, Melillo says, be sure to introduce yourself.
4. Relax. Remember, You’re Just Talking

Even after giving her clients a few basic tips, Melillo says she always reminds them to relax and enjoy the conversation. “There’s a lot of pressure to do it the right way,” Melillo says of networking. “When you rely on those rules too much, it can make you feel stifled and unnatural.” Here are some more networking tips to give you confidence.

If you accept the status quo and mediocrity...

2011-04-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

If you accept the status quo and mediocrity, that's exactly what you'll get. Make conscious decisions. Stick to them, even if you have to fight for it. This is the DIFFERENCE between being happy and being anything else.

Do you want to die having hated 85 percent of your life? That's the path the MAJORITY of us are on. Change it. You can ENJOY and live your life. Or you can choose not to. This is a CHOICE.

You wouldn't imagine how many rich, beautiful and famous people are bitter. Miserable. Feeling thrown around by life and out of control. WHY? Because they don't make conscious decisions. This means they feel they have no control. And they don't. They're at the MERCY of whoever or whatever is around. "Bob said I had to, so I did." Or "I felt pressured, and my manager wanted me to." Or "My dad wants me to."

WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT?

You give up control and power by choice. Are you giving up yours?

Take it back.

This is how:

1. Ponder what you want. What feels right and full of integrity? What doesn't? Are you afraid something is too difficult and you might fail? Are you flip-flopping or blowing in the wind? That's a sign you need to show yourself your own STRENGTH. How about you just step up? You're stronger than you think.

2. Decide. Make a conscious decision. NO ONE forces you to do anything in life. If I put a gun to your head, you still the the choice to say "no" to my request. You have the choice to knock the gun out of my hand. You have the choice to do and think anything you'd like. USE IT, or else you are truly powerless, because you've decided to be. And you've crippled yourself.

WHAT DOES A CONSCIOUS DECISION LOOK LIKE?

These are big and small decisions you make daily. Some examples:

*I will go for this new job, even if it's hard.
*I will tell Samantha "no." Even if I want to change my mind.
*I will start my business no matter how difficult. I'll make the first phone call today.
*I promised Matt I'd help him move, and I will show up Saturday no matter what.
*I'm going to move to_____.
*I'm not going to spend the $500 for that dress, because I want to get out of debt.
*I'm going to eat this apple instead of that fried twinkie.
*I'm afraid if I tell Kelly the truth, she won't want to be friends with me -- but I'm going to tell her the truth. If she's a true friend, she still will be in my life.

Conscious decisions are about 1) deciding what you want, and 2) DOING IT. Even if it feels uncomfortable, scary or makes you feel afraid.

When you do this, you PROVE to yourself that you are living with integrity, that you are POWERFUL and strong. The proof is in the pudding. If you're letting other people down (and most importantly, yourself) then you are not living with integrity.

You are being swept along in the ocean. You have a surf board, but you are choosing to not use it. The waves are beating you up and carrying you wherever they'd like.

YOU HAVE CONTROL AND POWER SO LONG AS YOU CHOOSE TO USE IT.

Say no. Say yes. But decide clearly, and stick to it 100 percent.

It will completely change your life, and you will craft a successful, fulfilled life you enjoy if you do this. YES, IT'S CHALLENGING -- duh. But it's worth it.

affirmation for the day:

2011-04-02T12:31:00.003-07:00

try repeating this to yourself five times throughout your day today!

"I am powerful, and I am building the life I want. If something isn't working, I'll find or create something new. I will navigate around obstacles, "no's", failures, roadblocks, closed doors, lack of experience -- these experiences will MOTIVATE me to find something new, and build my foundation of strength. Life is good (even if it's bad at this moment), because I'm building it to become what I want. I trust everything I need and want is on the way -- and when it comes rushing towards me, I will welcome it."

Feel happier, right now!

2011-03-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

The word "gratitude" is a bit syrupy and sugary, isn't it? Sort of like smiling for no reason, it can feel forced.

Try this exercise as an alternative way to get a nice happy buzz of happiness:

1) What is something good you have in your life?
2) What if that good thing never happened? (Imagine that you missed out on meeting your significant other, or you didn't get into college, or you never got the job you have now, etc.)

When I picture my life without say, having a house to grow up in, or without having my parents in my life, or without meeting my husband, or never having met great friends, or having things go down a horrible path, it makes me feel SAD initially, but then I'm overwhelmed with feeling GRATEFUL.

Sometimes you don't realize what you have until you lose it -- how about you imagine losing it, so you can appreciate it, now. It's funny how you almost have to carve out a negative space in which to fill it with something positive. Letting sadness hit you can do just that.

Become Luckier

2011-03-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

I found this interesting blog on the topic:

http://www.bakadesuyo.com/be-lucky-its-an-easy-skill-to-learn-8

Be lucky - it's an easy skill to learn:

* Unlucky people often fail to follow their intuition when making a choice, whereas lucky people tend to respect hunches. Lucky people are interested in how they both think and feel about the various options, rather than simply looking at the rational side of the situation. I think this helps them because gut feelings act as an alarm bell - a reason to consider a decision carefully.

* Unlucky people tend to be creatures of routine. They tend to take the same route to and from work and talk to the same types of people at parties. In contrast, many lucky people try to introduce variety into their lives. For example, one person described how he thought of a colour before arriving at a party and then introduced himself to people wearing that colour. This kind of behaviour boosts the likelihood of chance opportunities by introducing variety.

* Lucky people tend to see the positive side of their ill fortune. They imagine how things could have been worse. In one interview, a lucky volunteer arrived with his leg in a plaster cast and described how he had fallen down a flight of stairs. I asked him whether he still felt lucky and he cheerfully explained that he felt luckier than before. As he pointed out, he could have broken his neck.

Get inspired today, with quotes!

2011-03-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy," -Martin Luther King Jr.

"Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in an eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand -- and melting like a snowflake." M.B. Ray

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore," - Christopher Columbus

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius

"This above all: to your own self be true," -William Shakespear

The magic secret to a great life -- What I've learned from my clients

2011-03-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

THE MAGIC SECRET...
The magic secret to a great life? I notice something about my clients who are happy and successful. They 1) Identify what isn't working. 2) Realize what is in their power to control. 3) Take action to change what is in their power to change. In a nutshell, take responsibility and take action.

Spoke to a client today who changes around anything that isn't working, to create a life that works. It's a courageous way to live that is more difficult in the moment, but more rewarding in the long term. He's had several successful businesses and built up several lives, only to tear apart pieces of those lives that weren't working, to re-create them for the better.

THE MINDSET THAT WORKS...
The difference in mindest is this:

1) I don't like this -- what can I do to change my life for the better? I will commit to doing everything I can." Versus...

2) "I don't like this -- it's his/her fault. Poor me. Oh well, I guess I have to accept the status quo."

Change your mindset, and you will change your life!

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT...
So this is how you do it. Give it a try!

Right now, think of something you feel like total crap about. Maybe you hate your job. Your apmt sucks, or you hate what you do on the weekends. Maybe you don't get out enough, or perhaps you've spread yourself thin running around from event-to-event, and not enjoying any of it. Perhaps you don't exercise at all, and feel like crap watching the pounds pack on, or maybe you're such a gym rat that you don't even have a social life.

1) What do you feel like crap about?

Then identify what is in your power to control. You can't control other people, outcomes, and many other things. You CAN control yourself, your decisions, your thoughts/feelings/behaviors, you can control which actions you take (or don't take), how you spend your time, what new things you try, big decisions you make, and small decisions you make.

2) What are 3 things (within your control) that you can decide to do to improve the crappy situation? What are a few ways you can improve your life?

___________ ______________ ____________

3) Commit to doing the above. Start to do it this week! Take action.

This week I commit to doing the following: ____________, _____________, and __________.

(These might be big action things that are tangible -- I'll pack my things into boxes and give notice at my apartment, and I'll email a real estate agent and find a better place. I'll apply for a job, and I'll email everyone I know to find leads. I'll have an important conversation, and ask my mom to respect my decisions. Or maybe they are LESS tangible things, but equally important -- I'll decide to no longer think negatively, I will decide to believe in myself no matter what, I will begin to believe that I DO have the power to change my career, no matter who doesn't believe in me.

4) Allow yourself to make mistakes/be imperfect.

I allow myself to ________(look like an idiot, fall down, be rejected, have people say "no" to me, not know what I'm doing at first. But I know that eventually I will have this outcome_____________(I'll know everything I need to know about this subject, I'll achieve great success, I will do a triple turn without falling).

Good luck everyone! Go make it happen! :D

Why women are afraid to say "no" to guys

2011-03-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

I was quoted in this article! Give it a read.

http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/why-women-are-afraid-to-just-say-no-to-guys.html?pageID=2

The same can be said for you, too. “Having the wrong men in your life just makes it more difficult to find the right man, since that time is being wasted,” says Julie Melillo. “It feels difficult to reject the wrong people at first, but doing so creates a beautiful blank space in your life for a new relationship to grow with the right man!”

Step 2. Then, we have to be honest with ourselves and what we want. “Ask yourself, ‘What do I really want?’ That might be a relationship, something casual, or marriage,” says Julie Melillo. “Getting clarity on life goals makes it much easier to cut out approaches that aren’t working. If you’re going on dates because you’re bored, that’s a clue you need/want to build up other areas of your life. Make more girl friends, expand your social life, try new events and classes or work on your fitness or career.”

2. We’re afraid of being alone. “It can be difficult to cut off dates who are so flattering and offer a fun night out. The alternative sounds quite depressing, even lonely: ‘Sit at home and do nothing? Forget it, I’m going out!’” – Julie Melillo, Manhattan relationship/life coach

A good use of a rainy day!

2011-03-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

Being forced to stay indoors for a day can be a great thing -- you
can journal, brainstorm, read, and re-align with your goals!

Any goal, including fitness, starts in your mind: if you can
picture the result you want, you'll be able to achieve it faster. So a
rainy day is a great time to relax and visualize the outcome you want.
What will you look like wearing your favorite jeans again? How will it
feel to be healthier? What will you enjoy about creating a great new
career? How will your ideal relationship impact your life in positive
ways?

*Use a rainy day to focus in on what you want to achieve -- It's a
great time to create your strategy.
*Write a list of what is working/what is not working. And find
solutions you can start doing this week.
*Brainstorm all of the things you want in life in regards to getting
healthy, improving your career, etc. Write a list of your goals, and
place this list in a prominent place in your home.
*Create a "visual snapshot" of what your life will look like after you
achieve your goal. Write it down, draw it, or create a collage using
magazine photos. Hang your "visual snapshot" in a place you will see
it every day.
*Write a list of tasks you want to accomplish every day this week.

Sleep Tips

2011-03-06T15:07:00.001-08:00

Trouble sleeping? This impacts your focus to achieve your goals during the day! Some sleep tips:
8 Sleep Tips! Trouble sleeping? This impacts your entire day :(

1. Write in a journal an hour before bed to vent any worries that may
otherwise keep you up at night.
2. Exercise earlier in the day to help your body feel tired.
3. Unwind with stretching, drinking a cup of decaffeinated tea, taking a
warm bath or doing deep breathing.
4. Create a sleep routine, starting by dimming the lights an hour or so
before bed.
5. Keep your bed as a sleep sanctuary. Keep work-related tasks away from
your bed.
6. Purchase a comfortable sleep mask, ear plugs, and hang a heavy
curtain to keep out light from the street.
7. Go to bed an hour earlier to help your body recharge from any slept
debt you may have.
8. Try supplements such as Melatonin or Valerian, but ask your doctor

A children's story I wrote, for adults

2011-03-05T20:43:00.001-08:00

I wrote this little children's story today, for adults to illustrate an important idea.

THE MAN WITH THE UMBRELLA
AND THE GIGANTIC STEAK THAT ALMOST KILLED HIM
by Julie Melillo

There was a man with an umbrella afraid of the rain. He carried it always each day the same, day or night, cloudy or bright.

Walking without it, he just didn't feel all right. The dark fabric blinding his face from the sun, he grew pale and without a trace of wonder or joy. He kept his umbrella open always and held proudly facing the sky, just in case.

And it's true, when a single drop fell, he stayed dry and would yell "Look at me! I'm as dry as can be!" Since the open umbrella always stayed glued to his hand, protecting him from the sky.

But under his black tarp, he missed life's art. The clouds swirling above, doves, and he never met the eyes of another on the street, remained starring at his feet, so he never fell in love. He couldn't run, he never had fun, night or day, dry or sun, he glared into his black umbrella.

He missed sunsets and sky-writing, blimps and rainbows, snowflakes and golden rays of sunshine -- never felt on his face. But he'd tell anyone, "I am prepared," as he glared. "I will never get a drop of rain on me."

And then one day, in his usual blinded way, he walked down the sunny street with his umbrella held neatly over him. But he should have stayed in bed! Because today a shadow of bad luck hung over head. His fortune cookie warned him to be careful or he might end up dead.

As he crossed the street he didn't see a giant piece of falling meat from the sky -- a gigantic steak thrown by the butcher guy, and he stepped into its trajectory, his umbrella blocking his view.

"No!" screamed onlookers. "Get out of the way -- if you don't move that meat will make you meet the end of your days!"

Luckily at the last moment the man happened to step out of the way, as the hue steak fell and slammed into the ground, and onlookers yelled "Yay! He didn't die! But what a stupid guy to always carry an umbrella around -- so he can't even see a gigantic steak rapidly plummeting towards the ground!"

The man looked up with a terrorized face, he realized his fears had been misplaced.

"Look here, I've almost died trying to protect myself from a few drops of rain to stay dry -- and who knew it would be true that a gigantic steak would fall from the sky and almost make me meet my fate."

With a shaking hand he tore the black umbrella from his white-knuckle grip and threw it into a trash can, the sun finally shining onto his gray face. He said, "I will never again carry this umbrella just in case and rob my face of the sunlight's beautiful embrace. I won't ignore the beautiful sky, the birds and rainbows and snow -- now they're all mine. And if a few drops of water fall, it won't bother me at all."

The crowd cheered again as the man walked away, never again to ignore all the beauty around him -- one close call was all it took to close the umbrella and retire his gray fearful look once and for all.

THE END

Get to the next level in 4 steps!!

2011-03-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

Here is a video if you don't like to read! :)

Break through your barriers. You know what you want! Maybe you've wanted it for years. You've done great, but there are still areas lingering that are frustrating. Why can't you seem to break through those last few barriers? Here's how:

1) Observe 2) Analyze 3) Decide 4) Act.

It's basically the life coaching process in a nut-shell, and you can do it for yourself.

1. Observe -- Look at the world (or yourself) as a scientist would. See it through several different perspectives. What is happening? Why? Once you feel that you understand it, take the perspective of another key player. Talk to more people and get their perspective. What is the conventional wisdom on this topic? What is a radically different way to see it? To understand things better, challenge your own thoughts and beliefs about this topic -- is there a completely different way to see things? Experience confusion!! Stand on your head and look at the world now. Let things seem completely foreign to you. Experience uncertainty. Ask yourself "what am I missing? How can I find out? " Go for a run and ask yourself again. Sit in silence and see what thoughts come to you.

2) Analyze -- What does this info mean? How can you use what you've learned? What are all of the possibilities of what you could do with this information? What would lead to the biggest messy failure? What would be the easiest most streamlined way to success? What approach sounds boring? Thrilling? Easiest? Most difficult? Make a list of all of the approaches you could take. What approaches can't you take? Are you sure about that? Make a list of what would be impossible. Is that really impossible? Are you sure? Starting with the impossible is a great way to find things that you can create, or make possible. Is it impossible to fly? Make a plane. Impossible to make a robot that cleans your floor? Make one. Impossible to make a billion dollars with a web site that links people together with photos? You get the idea.

3) Decide -- Choose one approach (or a few) to start with. You'll have to discard some of the ideas, though you can always come back to them later. Sometimes your discarded ideas may be more viable than your other (more viable-seeming) ideas. You just never know. But you've gotta start somewhere -- so for now, make an initial decision.

4) Act -- How can you put this decision into action? Bold action! It doesn't have to cost a lot. You don't necessarily need an army behind you. There is a lot of action you can take in small ways. Google, call, write, ask, walk, open doors, attend, speak, follow-up, etc. Many of these actions take five minutes or less. The key is to ACT.

Then repeat as necessary. If you hit a wall, go through the process again. You can use this to decide on a business idea, a career path, or to deal with a small specific problem. Use this to decide "should I pursue a career in science?" Or "How can I get my cold calls to work more effectively?"

Good luck!!

Success and Motivational Quotes

2011-02-20T14:34:00.000-08:00

Some inspiring quotes for today! What are some quotes that have helped you? Feel free to comment! :) -Julie

"In order to succeed, you must know what you are doing, like what you are doing, and believe in what you are doing." –Will Rogers

"Do or don't do. There is no try." -Yoda

"When a man blames others for his failures, it's a good idea to credit others with his successes." -Howard W. Newton

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -Les Brown

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." —Benjamin Franklin

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?'But I dream things that never where;and I say, 'Why not?'
-George Bernard Shaw

"Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into." -Wayne Dyer

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Peter Nivio Zarlenga

There is a gold mine within you from which you can extract everything you need to live life gloriously, joyously, and abundantly." -Joseph Murphy

"Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit." –Conrad Hilton

"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult." –Seneca

"To exist is to change; to change is to mature; to mature is to create oneself endlessly." -Henri Bergson

"Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." –George Bernard Shaw

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Additional Quotes, some of Gurmit's favorites!

"How you do anything is how you do everything"
-T. Harv Eker

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."
-Bugs Bunny

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" -A buddhist master

"Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness."
-Bertha Damon

Believe it and you'll see it. Know it and you'll be it!
-Wayne Dyer

"Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort"
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way."
-Unknown

"Being loved by someone gives you strength, while Loving someone gives you courage." -Lao-tzu

"When you're interested, you do what's convenient. When you're committed you do whatever it takes" Fabienne Fredrickson

“The secret to success is to become more of what you already are.” Marcus Buckingham

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is a habit." -Socrates

"Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become." - Jim Rohn.

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." ~Unknown

“Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune.” Jim Rohn

An affirmation for today

2011-02-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

Choose your goal (happiness, money, love, etc.), and say to yourself, "One way or another. I won't stop until I create this in my life."

And don't stop...despite bad days (or bad years) or failures or feeling hopeless, keep on anyway. If you've given up already, decide to change that decision today. And go out there. You'll be surprised what you can create.

"It's never crowded along the extra mile,"-Wayne Dyer.

New products for 2011

2011-02-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

Buying even one product can help you achieve a specific future result, faster. Make 2011 your BEST year ever. If you can dream it, you can make it happen!

Purchase on my web site: www.yourdreamslifecoach.com.

Find Lasting Happiness at Work and In Love...

$300 Discover Your Top 2 Strengths Assessment and Instant Results! Guaranteed to change your life! This short, fast assessment will work in less than 30 minutes. Instant results for work, career, dating/marriage, friendships. Learn your strengths to separate yourself from the competition and speed success. Get your top 4 best compatibility matches for business, dating and love. Assessment and instant results -- all included! The results will change the rest of your life! A great compliment if you're already being coached, and it's an invaluable tool either way.

This is a very short assessment. It includes all of the information you need, and you can use the results to tailor your career or personal life to suit your strengths.

If you marry your best personality type, you'll have less conflict naturally in your relationship, and this is predictable. Same goes for a business partner, or a travel-the-world buddy.

I actually married my #1 personality type, and I dated all of the types so I can attest to the fact that this really works.

------
Law of Attraction, The Secret, or "Luck" -- We now know that when you envision a future result, you program your subconscious to bring about positive change, without your conscious mind even being aware of the new success mechanisms your mind is using.

But actually DOING this is harder than you'd think. We find ourselves full of doubt, feeling frozen, and not sure what we should be visualizing. Yikes! This exercise helps you break through these problems right away.

Help Bring About Future Positive Changes, Faster...
$50 Create a Scrapbook of Future Memories Workbook
Create a Scrapbook of Future Memories Workbook! An interesting exercise that will help you speed results.

This short workbook quickly shows you exactly how to do this. The two-pages have ideas to get you brainstorming, and a place to sketch out and record your ideas. Review them weekly for FAST results in achieving your goals. Pay over PayPal and print it out immediately. Keep the life-changing results forever.

----

Ready to discover what makes you happy?
Read my new book about Happiness! $10

About this item:

* Being happy could help you live longer.
* Friends and relationships may lead to happiness.
* The link between money and happiness may be less than we thought.

Luckily, it s fairly easy to change your level of happiness What puts most people on the path to happiness is not a mystery at all, but is instead a learnable framework that anyone can master quickly. The changes are small, but the results can be amazing.

Think about how you would feel if you were happy most of the time? From the moment you woke up in the morning? What if you sang "Singing in the Rain" instead of "Why Does the Rain Always Fall on Me?" What if you had a quiet confidence that radiated great things to come and wonderful surprises just around the corner? Imagine what it would be like - - what it would feel like - - to not worry, but simply to know. What if instead of lying to yourself with fearful, negative thoughts, you told the truth. What if you stepped into everything you are and understood your amazing potential as a human being?

What if you weren t afraid of your potential to shine? How could things be different? How would they feel different?

Love in NYC -- Valentines Package

2011-02-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

Valentines Package - Find "the one" with 3 Relationship Coaching Phone Sessions
Know someone who is looking for "the one"? It's a frustrating adventure, especially around holidays or Valentine's Day.

Offer support with a 3-part Relationship (phone) Coaching package. Includes Emotional Vent, Create a Relationship Vision, Discover Relationships Strengths and Top 4 compatible Personality Matches (and how to spot them), and create a 30-Day-Love-Action-Plan with daily tasks. For more information, email yourdreamslifecoach@gmail.com with "Valentine's Package" in the subject line.

Especially helpful in Manhattan -- an easy place to find a date, but a challenging place to find a mate.

Manhattan Coach Julie Melillo works with entrepreneurs, CEOs, financial traders, actors and other ambitious people with big career and love life dreams, in the most challenging city for dating in the country.

This isn't a "tell you what to do" approach, but instead allows clients to listen to their intuition, build confidence, and discover their own best approach to finding their way towards love -- the result is a happier life.

1) The first session deals with any past frustrations in dating, to "emotionally cleanse" with a brief venting session. Then, together with the coach, a "Relationship Vision" is created.
2) The second session discovers the client's personality type, their top 2 strengths, and their 4 most compatible types of personalities for long-term happy relationships! Includes results and information on how to spot ideal partners.
3) The third session focuses on creating a 30-Day-Love-Action-Plan, with daily tasks that help to improve the whole life and welcome love.

Homework tasks may be done between sessions for even better results.

NOTE: The client must sign an agreement that explains coaching is NOT therapy, and all clients must be emotionally healthy and able to take responsibility for decisions, and able to take action.

Certificates are to be used 1 session a week for 3 weeks, followed by the 30 Day Action Plan, which the client continues on their own.

You may choose to email or snail-mail your gift certificate to your recipient. Also makes a fabulous gift for yourself to support your future goals!

www.yourdreamslifecoach.com
Fill out form on web site with "Valentine's Package" for more info.

New Years and Life Coaching

2011-01-03T18:30:00.000-08:00

What's your New Year's resolution!? Comment and share it! :D Mine is to work out an hour a day.

A mash up of a bunch of my clients' New Year's Resolutions are...to make 2011 a million-dollar year, get in great shape, quit their FT job, take their financial trading to the next level, to fall deeply in love, become more well-known, expand a once amazing business that was hit hard by the economy, improve family relationships, get up earlier, to start a business, to find a less-boring job, travel the world, to get more organized, to get a new job, spend quality time w/ loved ones, to flip fear to positivity, to decide if the person they are dating is "the one," to finally see themselves as an entrepreneur, to make more friends, to not date and instead get to know themselves as a person more fully, and find their purpose in life.

The impossible is, well, impossible.

2010-12-26T20:28:00.001-08:00

Regardless of how hard you work, your mind, soul, body and spirit will NOT allow you to create something that is impossible -- so until you believe it is possible for you to become _____(fill in the blank), you won't be. That could apply to becoming a millionaire/loved/happy/wealthy/accepted/spiritual/a certain job position/or whatever it is for you. What would you LOVE to become, but feel frustrated about?

Believe it's possible. That's the first step.

Allowing good things in...it's harder than you'd think.

2010-12-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

Once you open the door to allowing new, GOOD things to happen to you, absolutely ANYTHING becomes possible. Let go. ALLOW. Don't be afraid.

Easier said than done, isn't it? And the reason for that, as I'll explain, is partly stuck deep in your primitive brain. It's something that restricts the majority of us into cramped little lives we aren't meant for. And it's stuck deep in your primitive brain -- yet, you can undo its negative effect, as I'll also explain.

But first, the Secret and The Law of Attraction both require you to "allow" in order to receive the things you desire. Desire is easy enough. "Wow. I WANT that." Visualizing it isn't too tricky either "Yeah, I can see myself in that life." But the allowing part is where most of us get stuck.

Do I really deserve that? Is it really even possible? I don't see any evidence for this being possible, so maybe I should throw that idea out.

Sometimes holding the hand of negativity is easier than breaking away, and running off towards an uncertain horizon line -- one that holds the promise of good, amazing things, but also is completely unknown.

What if you started to believe it's possible, only to have your hopes come crashing down? Fear of this idea is the reason that 95 percent of us will never truly enjoy our lives.

And what a shame that is.

But to do otherwise requires the courage of jumping out of a plane or off of a cliff. Even if I could assure you there was a 0% chance of dying from those activities, our emotions would still come into play and prevent most of us from taking that plunge.

Every day is an opportunity to jump out of that plane, off of that cliff, and into something beautiful, refreshing, new, and powerfully full of newness and love. We are alive and meant to jump into new things. It's the only way to live the life you're meant to.

But most of the time, we don't.

We are like squirrels gathering our nuts for the winter, ready to wait out the snow. But we wait it out for the rest of our lives, and forget to come back out and enjoy the spring. We wait and wait and wait -- for what exactly? And our lives in the meantime pass us by.

We hold tight to our restrictions, our limitations, the people standing in our way, the jobs that make us angry, our hurts, our rejections -- we wrap our arms around these negative, draining, painful things, for one reason:

It's harder to take a risk and believe good things are possible. Because what would happen if you took that risk, if you believed something good is possible, and you didn't get it? Would it be more painful perhaps than living in pain daily?

The fear of disappointment is what keeps us in lives that are continually disappointing. We adapt to the horrible situation, instead of creating a better one, because what if we create a better one only to have it fail?

And what would happen if you got your hopes up and you failed? Would you die? Starve to death? No, logically you know you wouldn't. But part of you really believes you WOULD die. And for good reason! Because your primitive brain just knows fear as fear. It doesn't distinguish beyond that. And in primitive days fear meant that death or starvation were around the corner.

The certainty of bad, negativity is often more reliable than the emotional risk that you can actually create good, wonderful things.

So we stay cramped in the corner, like squirrels hording nuts, afraid to go outside. Perhaps there is an animal that would eat you out there. Perhaps the winter would freeze you. Etc.

The same element comes into play when we think "Maybe I'll go for that new job." And your emotional reaction feels like this:
"Perhaps there is an animal that would eat you out there. Perhaps the winter would freeze you. Etc."

No, a new job won't eat you or freeze you to death, but your emotions FEEL like they would.

One of the hardest things about change is this idea. You can't just dismiss that primitive brain, as it's a POWERFUL part of you.

You can't just simply ignore this hugely powerful primitive programming in your brain -- and all the affirmations or distractions in the world won't make it go away. It's there to keep you alive.

So instead of distracting yourself, or dismissing it, or saying "go away!" you must instead LISTEN to the primitive part of you, and SPEAK to it, the way you would a child. Calmly and with concern.

You must convince the primitive part of your brain that the fear you feel is not an indication that you will die/starve if you attempt this. The way you would tell a child "No, there is not a monster in your closet, and let me show you it's safe."

TELL YOUR PRIMITIVE BRAIN THE TRUTH -- THERE IS NOT A MONSTER IN GETTING A NEW JOB, OR IN GOING ON A DATE, OR MAKING A COLD CALL, OR STARTING A BUSINESS -- REASSURE YOUR PRIMITIVE BRAIN.

Give it a try yourself. In 5 minute you can have a life-changing moment. Get a notepad and try this yourself! If you'd like coaching to help you do this more deeply, email me.

How to.

1. Think of the goal you want -- something you've wanted but haven't taken action on. Picture having it. Feel the good feelings.
2. Consider taking action. Feel the bad, fearful feelings.
3. Ask your primitive brain, what are you feeling? What are you afraid of?
4. Write it down.
5. Validate your primitive brain's feelings. "Okay, I see you feel afraid we might have something really bad happen if I go for the job and don't get it. You feel afraid I might not get a high enough pay check there and might starve if we can't afford food."
6. Reassure your primitive brain of the true facts, and assure your primitive brain that you won't starve/die. "I'm going to go on an interview, and I will find out the salary -- it should be high enough for us to buy food. Even if it's not, I have savings to buy food, or I could always move in with a relative. In any event, I will not starve to death or die from going on this interview."
7. You will feel a sense of peaceful calm. It feels really good!
8. Ask your primitive brain to help support you. "Please work with me as I go on this interview and help me to (_____insert the ideal outcome you have for the interview, e.g. "to come across as capable and professional/get the job, etc.")

That is how the process works.

In addition, you can write down affirmations on some note cards cut in half. Carry them in your pocket. Look at them when you're waiting for the subway or stuck at a red light.

Tell yourself, "No, I won't die if I do this. I will live more fully."
"Yes it is uncertain, but I can promise you 100% you won't stave or die doing it. You will thrive doing it."
"Yes I may be disappointed, but I won't die or stave. If I fail, but I'll rebound quickly emotionally, and be much closer to my huge success."
"Doing this will bring me closer to success."
"Even if I feel fear, that doesn't mean bad things will come to me."
"I don't know the outcome, but it will be an outcome that brings me closer to success."

Doing this will help you to work with your primitive brain, to allow wonderful new things into your life. It's the missing link that stands between you and the love, money, and success you need. Give it a try!

Wishing you all continued success!

Birds of a feather -- which birds are your friends?

2010-12-25T20:44:00.000-08:00

Be careful who you mix with most. Those closes to you will influence you more than you know.

Take the five people who you talk to most and spend the most time with. For most people...

*Your salary will be an average of their salaries.
*Your mindset on what is possible (and what is impossible) will become similar to theirs.
*Your negative or positive outlook on the world, your ethics, your beliefs -- will all be strongly influenced these people.

Choose these closest people mindfully and carefully.

For most of us, the choice is not so conscious. We hang out with the people who live closest, who we've known the longest, who we feel the most comfortable around (we are creatures of habit and comfort). But just because something is familiar, does not mean it's the right choice for you.

How would your life be different if you consciously went out, left that familiar cozy comfort zone for a moment, and made efforts to meet people who are kinder than you, happier than you, richer than you (in money and in other ways), more giving than you, and insert the other qualities that matter a LOT to you in life here ___________.

It's not to say you have to disown your family and forget your friends, but instead add a different influence.

Even having one new friend with qualities greater than yours, will change your mindset. It will influence you towards more positive action.

Spending time with people like that WILL influence you. If you're trying to become rich, and your friends complain constantly that it's impossible to get anywhere in life, good luck. If you have even one friend who tells you something positive, perhaps who says "You look like someone who could be really successful," then you have a shot.

Everyone has friends, or at least acquaintances. Our population is also full of muggers, murderers, thieves, sociopaths, and all kinds of other people with qualities that are less dramatic, but equally harmful to you. Negative people who will dampen your enthusiasm, drain your energy, drain your bank account, be sure to hug you when they've just come down with the flu, gossip about you, and so on.

Whether these people are bad or good really isn't the point, but the fact that they can destroy your goals, your happiness or your life, is the point.

These negative influences might have a bigger impact on your goals to have a happy life than being friends with a murderer or mugger, etc. Because at least you can see that clearly for what it is, and avoid it (hopefully!).

If you're feeling stuck, unsuccessful, broke, negative. If you find yourself gossiping constantly, or looking for ways to tear others down. Or perhaps if you're always looking for that easy answer, that new angle, regardless of whether it hurts others or not. You may have fallen into a dangerous situation of being influenced by people who don't have your (or anyone's) best interest at heart.

The less time you spend with negative people, the more time you have to spend with positive people.

1. The first step is to ask yourself, "what do I want most this year?" (Money, love, a home, better relationships, health, etc.)

2. Make a plan for that one goal and write it down. "This year I will ____."

3. Look for people who have the qualities you need to develop in yourself. Befriend them (not to get something in return, but to instead look for ways to help THEM and bring goodness to their lives). It will be appreciated by them.

4. Limit your time spent with people who act in ways (or speak in ways) that derail your efforts.

5. Take daily action and you WILL reach success.

Are you LAZY? Or just in the wrong life?

2010-12-14T15:08:00.000-08:00

My opinion is that no one is lazy when they are going after something they WANT and care about. When our goals don't match who we are, that's when we notice a symptom -- we just don't do very much. And that can appear like laziness.

Let me give you an example from my own life...

I clearly remember a moment, living in Phoenix Arizona, sitting hunched at my computer, bored, not sure what I wanted to do. Knowing it wasn't the right city for me, but not knowing which city was. Bored with my writing job. Single, and my friends all lived between 30 minutes to an hour drive away. And I was eating hummus and pita chips, and a piece of that chip flew onto the floor. I stared at it for a long time, and I realized I had no motivation to pick it up. None. I let it sit there for a long, long time. I was somewhat horrified at myself for just letting the thing sit there, but I was also aware that part of me just didn't feakin care. And it wasn't just that pita chip, but every aspect of my life (and in that bored feeling, I realized that entire life just had to be torn down and crumble to pieces). It had to decay into dust just like that pita chip. Only then could I build something new.

A lot of changes happened, and then not so long after I was walking unfamiliar streets in NYC, and wondering which way was north, and how people made friends here. And then not so long after, I was surrounded by warm friends, enjoying my business I'd started, married, and doing all the things I'd so wanted to...but I remember wondering if it was all possible.

When pita chips fall to the floor now, I pick them up. Because I want to. When you're in a life you enjoy, it becomes easy to do small and large things. Otherwise, you feel lazy, but you're not -- you're just in the wrong thing.

Coaching can help you find YOUR thing. The right thing for you.

www.yourdreamslifecoach.com -- fill out the form. Include your email adresss, and you will have rates emailed to you.

What does a life coach do?

2010-12-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

As a life coach in NYC, you wouldn't imagine how many people ask me "What do you do??? How does it work??" So some explanation...

So let me explain what Julie Melillo Life Coaching is all about. Coaches all work a bit differently, but this is what's important to me:

1. You know more about yourself and your problem than I do (or than I ever could -- you've lived with it for WAY longer than I have).
2. You are smart/creative and full of strengths.
3. You are FULL of potential.
4. My goal is to unlock this awesome potential (so yes, you are basically your own treasure chest of potential).
4. Once we find "the key," we make sure you know how this process works, so that you can continue to do what works, for the rest of your life.
5. This process happens ASAP -- as fast as you are comfortable with.

Picture this:Weekly, we lounge at a swanky hotel lounge/favorite coffee place/ your conference room at work/your office/or perhaps you even want to wander your favorite park on a gorgeous sunny day. So, as we toast our coffees/bottled waters and discover your dreams (and challenges), we not only have a great time, but "oh look, we've just plotted your action plans for the next 30 days. And a few sessions later, you might just blurt out "your greatest passion or purpose in life. All those years of not knowing, and then bam, you've just discovered it! Knowing this, the doing is easy. And one day you wake up and are surprised to be living the life you know you've always dreamed of.

I've sat with CEOs, pro sports players, entrepreneurs, artists, actors/models, financial traders...and they've had goals like these "I want to make more money, I want to be financially secure so I can get married, I want to find out what my dream job is, I want to do my thing without my parents insisting I do the family business, I want to finally get a great job, to find the right person for me, to get out of debt, I want more friends in the city, I want to lose 10 pounds, I want to discover my purpose in life," "and perhaps there is a goal that you or someone you know has?

I don't give advice or tell you what you already know. Our work together allows YOU to change the impossible, to the possible. Fast results that last.

The impossible becomes possible. The frustrating and overwhelming becomes a small challenge, easily overcome during the following weeks. The vision takes shape, and the necessary actions become obvious.

And the process (while demanding), is also FUN for both of us.

Can you see the satisfaction as we enthusiastically work towards CREATING the life of your dreams, welcoming YOUR STRENGTHS, and using action-oriented weekly tasks you commit to (while being aware of how EVERY area of your life currently influences the rest). The satisfaction of the results you create, as improving one area immediately influences the rest of your life.

The end result (depending on how quickly you dive in -- you set the pace) is BIG improvements for your career/business, or dating/relationships -- ALL possible with a 7-week coaching package. Get for yourself, or give as a gift certificate for the holidays.

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Verbal/Emotional Abuse - Can be more harmful than physical abuse

2010-12-08T13:13:00.001-08:00

Many of my clients find themselves facing barriers outside of their own control. However, one of the most harmful barriers are negative people in my clients' lives who refuse to be supportive of new goals and dreams. Negative people WILL hold you back. They can influence your mindset, leading you to doubt yourself.

Taking this a step further, many people in my clients' lives (even well-meaning friends or family) may go beyond not being supportive, and enter into the territory of Verbal or Emotional abuse as a way to attempt to control and prevent change. Change is scary for people, however harming others as a way to prevent change is unacceptable.

Some examples:

"You're stupid."
"How do you expect to reach that goal? You can't even fold the laundry right."
"I said that to get you to shut up."
"You're worthless and fat."
"I don't know if I even love you anymore."
Ignoring.
Disrespecting you.
Refusing to speak to you.

However, any client facing Verbal or Emotional abuse should seek help from a counselor, as this type of abuse may escalate to physical abuse, or it may result in serious confidence issues or even future psychological problems. Coaching CAN'T help you with this, but a psychologist can.

Coaching can help you re-create a Success Mindset, which is vital for achievement of your goals. Limit time spent with abusive people. Increase time spent with people who love and build up your confidence.

Read the Wikipedia for more information:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse

Verbal abuse (also called reviling or verbal attack) is a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. It is a form of profanity that can occur with or without the use of expletives. While oral communication is its most common form, verbal abuse may be expressed in the form of written word as well.

Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with a person's healthy emotional development. A single exposure to verbal assault can be enough to significantly affect a person's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state.

Verbal abuse is best described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control. The underlying factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. The abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself, a form of warped projection.

Reports of verbal and emotional abuse indicate that it frequently occurs in romantic relationships between men and women, where women are generally reported as the victims.[1][2] However, verbal abuse may occur to a person of any gender, race, culture, size, sexual orientation, or age.

Typically, verbal abuse increases in intensity over time and often escalates into physical abuse as well.

During intense verbal abuse, the victim usually suffers from low self-worth and low self-esteem. As a result, victims may fall into clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Despite the fact that it is the most common type of abuse, verbal abuse is generally not taken as seriously as other forms of abuse, because there is no visible proof. However in reality, moderate to severe cases of verbal abuse (especially in which the victim is under constant attack) can be more detrimental to a person's health than physical abuse.

Verbal abuse starting from a young age contributes to inferiority complex, machismo attitudes, and other negative behaviors that plague many people into senior age.

People who feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment whenever possible. Staying around verbal abusers is damaging for a person's overall well-being, and all steps to change the situation should be pursued.

Signs of verbal abuse

The way to recognize signs of verbal abuse in an unhealthy relationship is to simply know what a healthy relationship looks like. Consider the things people value in a healthy and strong relationship. These could be respect, acceptance, trustworthiness, and honesty with the freedom and safety to express oneself within healthy boundaries. When we think about what constitutes a healthy relationship, it becomes easier to identify when we are in an unhealthy relationship.

Signs of verbal abuse exhibited by the abuser are:

* Actions of ignoring, ridiculing, disrespecting, and criticizing others consistently.
* A manipulation of words.
* Purposeful humiliation of others.
* Accusing others falsely for the purpose of manipulating a person's decision making.
* Manipulating people to submit to undesirable behavior.
* Making others feel unwanted and unloved.
* Threatening to leave the family destitute.
* Placing the blame and cause of the abuse onto others.
* Isolating a person from some type of support system, consisting of friends or family.
* Harassment
* Threatening to do any type of harm to a family member or friend
* Jekyll and Hyde behaviors, in terms of sudden rages or behavioral changes: where there is a very different "face" shown to the outside world versus towards victim.

Once the victim identifies and recognizes the signs of verbal abuse, the victim can be more proactive in finding help. If left too long in an abusive relationship, the person will start feeling hopeless.[citation needed]
[edit]

Take action right now -- get what you want faster!

2010-11-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

As a coach who works with entrepreneurs, CEOs, actors, artists, financial traders, attorneys, administrators, software developers and many more from ages 25 to 70, mostly in Manhattan, but from California, to Arizona to Washington D.C., there is one thing that I can tell you that will help you to SPEED success.

That one thing is to know your strengths.

Focusing on strengths means setting yourself apart when you're in a situation of high competition. Going for an amazing job, an audition, asking for a date with a gorgeous person, etc. The more challenging the goal, the more you need to know this.

Once you Discover Your Top Two Strengths, a whole new world is open to you.

1. Where do you thrive (naturally)
2. Who are your biggest supporters in the world? What kinds of personalities are these compatible allies?
3. What areas should you STOP trying so hard at because they aren't getting you anywhere?
4. How can you create a life that uses your strengths every minute of the day, leading you to FULFILLMENT, SUCCESS, AND LOVE! (And it's easier and more enjoyable than you may have thought).

Your Top 2 Strengths clearly communicate what you do (without you having to say a word). It's like taking a diffused light and focusing it into a spotlight that broadcasts "this is who I am, and this is how I rock" to the world.

Will your competition like that you've figured this out? No. But you will like your results.

Why don't we already know this?

Most of us don't know our strengths because they are so NATURAL for us that it feels EASY. We assume that what is easy for us, is easy for others -- so we very often avoid using these strengths because they seem so basic. We often can't even identify these AMAZING qualities, because they are so "duh" easy for us.

We assume what is DIFFICULT for us -- the things we are bad at -- are difficult for everyone! So we begin to try to hone those strengths to be impressive and competitive; we forget that there ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH THOSE EXACT STRENGTHS WE ARE TRYING TO CULTIVATE, WHO ARE NATURALLY THRIVING IN THOSE AREAS. Competing with that just

We don't realize that there are 8 DIFFERENT types of TOP strengths -- we each have 2 top strengths. The order matters and there are 16 different combinations of these eight strengths -- this means very FEW members of the population have the exact strengths that you do.

How to Discover it!

1. Take the fast assessment -- in as little as ten minutes you can have you results. Read the PDF questions, answer them.
2. Get your results in the packet, and USE the results instantly.
3. Change your life for the better, for the rest of your life!

www.yourdreamslifecoach.com -- visit this link to purchase.
Get it now -- Discover Your Top 2 Strengths Assessment and Instant Results! For work, career, dating/marriage, friendships. Learn your strengths to separate yourself from the competition and speed success. Get your top 4 best compatibility matches for business, dating and love. Assessment and instant results -- all included! Normally $300. Get it for $25 this month only -- I want you to try it and change your life SO much that I'm giving you a lifetime of value for almost nothing. The results will change the rest of your life! A great compliment if you're already being coached, and it's an invaluable tool either way.

Tear through brick walls

2010-11-03T21:57:00.001-07:00

We all have brick walls in front of us -- roadblocks, obstacles, fears. On the other side of these walls are the things you want to accomplish. If you didn't have brick walls, you already would have everything you wanted!

Without your brick walls, what would you accomplish? What would you become? What's on the other side of your wall?

Your "brick walls" may appear to be solid. However, these walls are actually made of paper. You can tear right through them fast. Move past your obstacles with this challenge for the day.

1. Make a list of 3 things that scare you, but that would help you to reach a goal. Think of a goal you'd really LOVE to reach!
2. Order them by most to least scary.
3. Choose the least scary, and write out one tiny task that would take 5 minutes (it should be the first step towards your goal).
4. Do it -- right now!

Example -- "1. Afraid to start a business. 1. Intimidated by new gym. 3. Dreading sending an overdue thank you note. Tiny task -- find the address the late thank you note needs to be sent to, and write it on the envelope."

Give it a try!

For entrepreneurs -- getting past negative thoughts

2010-09-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

I notice that a lot of new entrepreneurs are plagued by negative thoughts. As they progress, these old thoughts are overcome by new, more action-oriented thoughts.

Think about what some of your old, negative thoughts were that held you back -- in business, in dating, in any area. How did you overcome those negative thoughts? Did you see the situation in a new way? Decide to take action despite your fears and "do it anyway"? Did you forget the old thought over time?

Whatever you did to change that thought worked for you, and you can replicate your own success in other areas.

For instance, if you thought you were a looser in 9th grade, but then decided that was no longer true in 10th grade, you have experienced transforming your thoughts.

You can do the same thing now. If you think you're dumb with business, you can also transform that thought in order to create a feeling of confidence in your ability to start a business. It's the same process! And you don't have to wait a year to see the results. You can transform as quickly as you'd like.

So, what are some of those negative thoughts you're currently working to overcome?

For instance, I notice a lot of these thoughts with my clients.

"I'm not sure I'm good at being an entrepreneur -- I lack discipline."
"I might not be able to make enough money."
"I don't have a PhD/advanced/Bachelor's degree in this field, and maybe people will think I have no credibility."
"I've never been particularly smart."
"I'm probably too old/young tall/short inexperienced/over-qualified (insert any adj. here) to do this."

And as they take more action, the thoughts change to this:

"I'm increasing my discipline, and I am good at being an entrepreneur -- I'm learning."
"I will find ways to make plenty of money."
"I don't need an advanced degree to accomplish this, and I am building credibility."
"I am smart enough to accomplish this."
"I can accomplish this using exactly what I've got."

Give it a try! Make a list of your negative thoughts. Then think back to a negative thought you had in the past that you eventually overcame. Use the same process that worked for you back then, but speed up your results by consciously choosing to transform.

What other people think -- the power to not care.

2010-09-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

Do you know that one of the most common concerns I hear from clients, regardless of whether they are a CEO, entrepreneur, or other successful person, is a concern about what other people think.

*If I start this business, will they think it's a dumb idea?
*If I show confidence, will others feel threatened or jealous?
*If I fail, what will they think?
*What happens if they say no?
*What happens if I get rejected?

We all experience feelings like this when taking new risks, but it is reassuring to know that even the world's most successful and personally attractive people feel that same way you do!

The difference between an extremely successful person and a moderately successful one, is the ability to overcome the human concern of caring what others think.

That said, please note this does mean you still need to act with a conscience and consider others. Obviously, don't do something you think will piss people off, or that you wouldn't want done to you. This blog is addressing a situation where you really feel scared of what other people think, and that is preventing you from doing a positive thing. This is not giving you permission to be a jack ass and then saying "oh well, sorry, I don't care what you think!" So karma, let's not forget it.

Okay, so back to the topic -- let's say there is something positive you'd like to do. But you are scared. Examples -- you want to pitch an idea to a client, ask someone out, give a speech, go on vacation alone, try a new career, make a cold call, start a new business, live an unconventional lifestyle, or improve your life in some way. But you are scared that others will react badly.

So how do you manage this feeling?

1) Care more what YOU think -- your brain can only hold so many ideas at one time. If you are more focused on the question of "What do I really think about this?" There won't be much brain space left to consider other people's opinions. Your opinion is just as if not more valid than other people's, as you are closer to the situation and have the benefit of access to more information. That means, you know best whether your product or service really has a shot. You know your personal strengths, etc.

Next to each worried thought you have, write out the positive, helpful thought you'd prefer.

Example:
- "If I ask for Ted's help, he may say no. Maybe the guy doesn't even like me."
+ "I'm going to ask for Ted's help, and he may say no. I don't really know if he likes me, but I'm a likable guy. However he reacts is his responsibility. My part is only in asking. I'll be comfortable with any reaction I get."

2) Let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings -- similar to letting go of the outcome (in the previous blog), it is not possible to feel responsible for everyone's feelings and also run a successful business without having serious stress that affects your health.

Sure, you can be concerned about others and their feelings, but you must let go of feeling responsible. If a customer gets upset, or an investor hates your idea, or a date says "no thanks," or a friend can't make it to your big party, you need to learn to let go. Say to yourself "That's interesting. I wonder why they feel that way, but of course, I'll never really know."

The truth is, maybe your customer is having a horrible day, an investor just lost a ton of money on a start-up where the guy looked just like you, a date is on the rebound and having psychological issues and needs some time alone, and your friend is dealing with more than you can imagine, and has no time for a social life.

The fact is, you just don't know. So instead of taking full responsibility for other people's reactions and feelings, say "That's interesting. I wonder what combination of factors resulted in that response?" And then move on.

Giving other people the freedom to have their reactions -- bad or good -- gives you the freedom to have your own. It also gives you ultimate freedom, in that you cannot fail. Even a bad reaction does not mean you did anything wrong.

3) Ask for information -- but what about if it really is your fault? What if you said something that pissed your customer off? When you let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings, it frees you up to logically look at situations, and see if there was any cause and effect going on. When you're feeling confident, and know for sure what you think (about yourself, your business, your looks, etc.), then you are no longer afraid of other people's feelings -- this gives you the freedom to ASK for information.

Imagine saying to a client "Wow I see you're really upset. Was it something I did or said, or is there something else happening with you right not?"

That's a question you'd be terrified to ask if you nervously were wondering "It must be ME! I'm sure I did something WRONG!"

Instead, by stepping away from feeling responsible, and understanding that everyone is entitled to their own feelings and reactions, you don't have to worry about this or feel bad about it ever again.

This gives you the power and freedom to confront situations head on, with NO fear -- and actually gain more information than you otherwise would. If someone can start sobbing or yelling right in front of you, and you can stay calm and think "That's interesting. I wonder what combo of things caused that to happen?" then you have given yourself the power to do anything, including, the power to ask "Hey man, what's going on? I'd love to hear why you're so angry."

But when we feel responsible, our reaction is defensive, or we flee, or we attack. None of which give us any valuable information, and results in lower confidence for us, more frustration on the part of the other party, and no forward progress for us.

4 Try it) Think of a small risk you normally wouldn't take. It should be something where other people's opinions influence you to the point that it restricts your behavior. Perhaps you're afraid of making a cold call because the reaction might be bad. Or asking the new person in the office to lunch, as they might say no. Go ahead and do the action. Your mind set should be as follows:

Allow other people to have their feelings, without having their feelings be about YOU, or trying to change them. If the cold call ends with the person screaming at you on the other line, allow that. If the co-worker says "You? Lunch? No way!!!" Let that be okay. Don't make it about YOU.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend is angry, let them be angry! Don't try to change it. Instead, try to just let it exist. Let it be there intensely and let it be expressed. You can do that by just watching them calmly with concern in your eyes, or saying "Wow I can see you're furious. You really angry!" And then try repeating some of the things they are telling you back. "So you're mad because you're really busy at work, and then I happened to call you right then? That's correct right?"

Or, "You walked in and saw how messy the kitchen was, and that really pissed you off." Did I get that right?" (Add a question on the end, just in case you didn't hear it correctly).

This is a time to focus on taking a step back and not feeling responsible for their emotion -- sure, maybe it was your day to clean the kitchen and you didn't, or maybe you did call a busy company -- but let go of feeling it's your fault.

Say to yourself, "Okay, they're angry. I get angry too. Everyone does." Then, if you feel curious, ask what's going on with them -- out of curiosity, not out of a feeling of being responsible. Not to try to just find a solution or end the bad feeling.

"Would you tell me why the kitchen thing really made you so mad? I want to understand."
See this statement asks out of curiously, not out of a defensive feeling of being responsible. It could be said with either tone, so make sure you are really feeling curious and not defensive and responsible for their response.

"Would you tell me why calling right now upset you so much? I'd like to understand better."

That lets them tell you the truth. You want the truth, you need the truth, and you are now strong enough to hear it, because the truth is no longer about YOU. It's simply the truth that exists. There is no fear anymore that YOU may be the problem. And even if they say YOU are the problem, it isn't about YOU. It's simply their own feeling, which they are entitled to.

So if they say "I'm so pissed and YOU were suppose to clean the kitchen! I think you're a jerk for not doing it when I needed the help!"

Then you can realize that those feelings are complicated. It's not just about YOU. It's about THEM. Let them have those feelings.

Now that you know the honest truth, you can express your own feeling and truth.

"I'm really sorry I've bothered you at such a bad time. It seems the timing was really horrible today. I would love to contact you when it would be best for you, because I really think you'd like the reason I'm calling after we can talk for a minute. Would it be okay if I call back, and if so when works?"

"Wow I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. I do my best to keep things clean, but today I had a crazy day also, and I didn't have time to do it. But I will clean it up tomorrow after work. I want you to know that I care, even if there are some days I can't complete everything.

This great communication happened because you allowed the other person to have their feelings, without trying to change them. And you allowed yourself to be entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, and expressed your own truth. Truth is power. People sense when you are NOT speaking the truth, and when you ARE.

5) To sum up, allowing other people to have their own feelings and thoughts, without feeling responsible, allows you the freedom to do ANYTHING you want. That's amazing freedom! It also gives you the power to stay calm, and this enables you to ask the questions you NEED to ask to get down to the truth of a situation -- where otherwise, your response would be too defensive or negative to get a truthful response from the person. Then, having that truth allows you to make small changes if you'd like, to improve situations, and to get closer to others.

Allowing others to feel and think for themselves, and to no longer take responsibility for it, enables you to HAVE THE POWER TO NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK. You can learn it with practice.

This is a rare power to have, in that most people are obsessed with the opinion of others. That gives you the power to act and do whatever you want. You now have given yourself permission to take whatever RISK you'd like, with no fear. It also allows you to focus more on your thoughts and feelings, to really decide what you think. This provides you with the calmness and clear mind you NEED in order to astutely deal with conflict, to understand other people's true feelings, and to ASK the otherwise difficult (if not impossible) questions, such as "WHY? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL/THINK AND WHY, BECAUSE I CARE." Asking that when you fear YOU are the problem is not possible.

Give it a try! I'd love to hear the results.

Let go of the outcome

2010-09-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

When you hold tightly to the outcome and identify with it, your ego gets caught up in the experience, and FEAR becomes a bigger problem than it needs to be.

1) I'll take this action
2) If it's a good result, I'm a great person! If it's a bad result, I'm a looser.

How common is this thinking? It's pretty much the way society teaches us to think.

However, the result of this way of thinking, is that it prevents you from doing NEW things or taking the actions you need to take. It keeps you stuck in a place where anything new is to be feared, because it's an opportunity to fail (and in your own mind, become a "looser.")

For most people who don't take a lot of new risks, it's not much of a problem. For people who are suddenly faced with NEEDING to take many risks, entrepreneurs, CEOs, new singles on the dating scene, job seekers, or even a person looking to make new friends -- or anyone thrown into new waters, it makes it a HUGE risk to try ANYTHING new, because it could end in "failure."

I put failure in quotes because it's a subjective term. You simply have an action and an outcome. You choose whether to name that outcome a success or a failure.

You're learning to ski and fall. Is that a failure or a success? It could be seen as either: a failure because you fell, a success because you are learning and falling is essential to the process, and by having fallen you've already achieved a higher level of knowledge already.

You get to choose how you view the outcome.

However, by detaching yourself from it, and not labeling it as "bad" or "good," you won't label yourself either. Don't define yourself by your outcomes, bad or good.

Easier said than done.

How many of us do define ourselves by our successes and failures? I'm GOOD because I make X amount of money per year, I have a nice car, I'm in good shape, etc. I'm BAD because I got rejected, my date hated me, my client said no, etc.

This way of thinking is a trap. You will ALWAYS have both good and bad outcomes, regardless of how "perfectly" you do things. Someone will hate you, you will be rejected at times, people will be mean or unfair to you, you won't always get what you deserve every time.

And that has nothing to do with you. Some people are just jerks or having a bad day or maybe you remind them of someone they dislike. Perhaps you look just like their ex-girlfriend's new guy friend. You just never know.

And to worry yourself with all of this means you are preventing your own success and happiness -- you know that logically.

How to change your thinking to let go of the outcome:

So draw a line.

1) This is my effort -- I own it. I'll do my absolute best here. Take the action, and then step away.

2) This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me.

3) While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party.

4) Once you get the outcome, celebrate, or not, but DO feel it. But know it actually has nothing to do with you, really.

5) This is where you can analyze the part you played in the process. See if you'd like to change anything, improve anything, etc. But do this in a logical way without blame. You may need to test your approach many times before you can determine whether you need to change your approach or not.

So an example:

1) Mike works really hard preparing for a first date. He works out, dresses great, gets enough sleep, picks a great little bar in the Lower East Side. He calls, makes the date, shows up on time. He makes great conversation and basically just does a great job. While leaving, he asks her if she wants to hang out Wednesday. She says maybe. Call me and we'll see. He has now completed his effort and needs to "step away."

2) Mike has now completed his effort portion and is now awaiting his result. When he calls her, he won't know if she'll say yes or not. Mike could get all flustered and freaked out and not even call. Or he could call and sound nervous, or leave way too many voicemail messages like the guy in Swingers did.

Instead, Mike follows step #2 and tells himself this: This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me. He calls and leaves a message.

3) Now, Mike tells himself this "While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party." He gets busy with planning the rest of his weekend and decides to go to the gym.

4) He's so caught up in this, he doesn't even notice he's just gotten a text from her. The text says "awesome! Let's get together!" Or it says "You're so nice, but not for me." Mike feels either happy or sad. But either way he feels some distance from the result and thinks "hmm that's interesting." But he knows that her choice in going out with him (the outcome) doesn't really have that much to do with him. It has MUCH more to do, obviously, with HER. And what she wants.

5) This is where Mike analyzes what's happened. After he calms down, he will logically look at the part he played and the aspects that he OWNS. Step 1 ONLY. He will take a good look at what has worked, and what hasn't and see if there's anything to be improved. There may not be, or there might be -- but be careful to decide until you've tested your #1 approach several times in many situations.

It's completely possible that Mike's #1 rocked (or didn't), and other factors led to the outcome. Let's say this girl actually hated Mike, and he did a TERRIBLE job in #1, but the girl agreed to the date because she was just bored and had to get out of the house! Or, let's say Mike did an AMAZING job in #1, but the girl is actually in love with her ex and thinking of moving across the country and surprising him. Neither have a thing to do with Mike, and neither are in his control. But he won't know any of this while awaiting his outcome.

In life, we just never know what is going on outside of our own control. So we need to let go of that, and just do what you do. Improve what you do, sure. But let go of it when it comes time to get your outcome.

Are you more "big picture" or "present moment"?

2010-09-07T12:19:00.001-07:00

Video -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ULlh-B35uY

Determine this to help you become more efficient during your day.

1. Your strength is one of the two.

Big picture focused

You enjoy themes, theory, the meaning behind things, forecasting the future, possibilities, brainstorming, likelihoods, what could be, concepts. You might not even notice the color on the walls or how food tastes in a restaurant, as you're absorbed in noticing the overall gist. Tend to talk about concepts or overall big pictures, "Their house was upscale, with a spacious layout." Stressed when have to focus on needed daily practical tasks.

Present moment focused

You enjoy working with tangibles, things happening today, action-oriented, detail-focused, right now, the five senses, good memory for detail and facts. Practical. Notice the detail of a restaurant -- the color of the walls, the material of the table, etc. Tends to discuss "real" things, or to mention the layout of a room "Their kitchen was here, the table here, the cupboards were just above, etc." Stressed when have to plan for the distant future.

2. Craft your work day to include as many tasks as possible that fall into your strength category.

Example:

Big picture tasks -- forecasting what may happen/is likely to happen with a business, brainstorming new marketing ideas, looking at big picture objectives, deciding which tasks are most important, thinking about what types of objects may need to be moved around, getting a quick, general feel for data, thinking about what went wrong last year and how to improve that this year, deciding what fire fighters need to be most focused on this year.

Present-moment tasks -- action, preparing a report, stock market trading, actually completing tasks, moving objects around, organizing, plowing through data and detail, implementing changes, filling out tax forms, working to get it done today, doing things one step at a time, fighting a fire.

3. Outsource the rest if possible. Or, if you must do tasks that don't fall into your strength area (as most of us do), then realize you will need to suck it up and just get it done. This is an exercise in discipline.

4. The goal? How can you change your work life to use MORE of your strengths? And LESS of your weakness?

Comments welcome! Feel free to post.

Solo worker? Why waking up earlier may help.

2010-08-31T08:02:00.001-07:00

Are you a "solo worker?" That is, a person who relies on their own motivation to achieve goals instead of having a traditional boss yell at them -- they are business owners, CEOs, entrepreneurs, artists, sales people, some types of financial traders, and so on.

Solo workers often have a problem. They have one goal they can't seem to tackle, and it's universally bothering them.

To wake up earlier.

You should feel reassured that Manhattan's best and brightest solo workers also have the same problem we all do of rolling out of bed on time -- and these are some brilliant and amazing people!

Maybe it's because as NYers, we've chosen a night owl city and are out a bit too late at night? Regardless, we're all human, and it's comforting to realize that even the most successful people in this city can have trouble not hitting snooze way too many times on that alarm.

Why have so many of my solo worker clients had trouble with this? (And when I say so many I mean at least 80 percent of all of the clients I have had since 2005). And it's something I've also struggled with!

The problem is, flexibility is terrific! It's the dream of working for yourself. Except that it can make it really, really difficult to start the day on time.

Why?

1) First of all, waking up early is often just not fun when you're still groggy and in need of coffee. We do too much in one day, and that can leave too few hours for sleep. Being sleep deprived is not a fun way to start a productive day.

2) Second of all, not having a boss to scream at you if you are late can make it even harder to get situated in your work space on time.

Waking up at a certain time isn't in and of itself the problem. If you can achieve your results today, who cares which hours you worked, right? The only problem is, crawling into the office at noon (which isn't inherently a bad thing), often sets a negative emotional tone for the day. "I'm so lazy to have slept so much -- how can I even think I'll sell enough today? I'll never get motivated."

The dream of having all of this wonderful, flexible time is also balance by a desire to actually use that time to achieve what you'd like. It's really not fun to get distracted all day and end up with a list of things you failed to achieve today. That makes your motivation level tomorrow drop as well, and the cycle continues.

Anyone embarking on a big life change should consider learning to wake up earlier.

Why?

It tends to result in thoughts like this:

"Wow I got a lot done today."
"I'm one step closer now."
"I'm really happy with my results!!"

Waking up earlier is more than just a time on a clock. It's a metaphor. Getting to work earlier symbolizes a refreshing new start to the day, and a mindset of focus. It also increases discipline, which helps train you to build other new, healthy habits -- and this of course makes the big goal easier to reach, whether that is making more money, expanding a business, getting in great shape, having more time to build relationships, etc.

So you can see that it's more than a time on a clock. It's the mindset that starting a productive day brings you. And that carries over to tomorrow morning.

Want to wake up refreshed and have a full, satisfying, productive day that brings you SO much closer to your ultimate goal?

How to do it:

1) What time would you ideally like to get up in the morning? ___:___Write your reason for waking up at that time, and what it will help you accomplish.

2) What distractions do you deal with daily? (i.e. text messaging, web surfing, social phone calls or visitors, gossip, doing non-work tasks instead, etc. Write down this list.

3) Now write out a chart for yourself for ten days. Each day record what time you woke up and got to work. If you didn't meet your goal time, write the reason why. Also write your overall attitude during the day -- was it positive or negative?

4) At the end of ten days look back on what you've written down. Were you able to wake up and get to work on time? If so, great! Keep it up. If not, what were the key things that sabotaged you? Devise a strategy for dealing with each problem. Then do the exercise again.

5) Once you're achieved waking up at the time you'd like, continue to focus on it for the next 20 days. Continue to record your results to keep you on track.

6) After 30 days it should be a habit that is fairly hard to break. (this is of course all easier to accomplish working with a coach -- we're all human and it's hard not to sabotage ourselves at the start of a new program without support).

Some strategies for working around common wake-up early obstacles:

Problem: can't wake up because you were up so late working or playing.
Solution: schedule your work or play to end one hour earlier than usual.

Problem: can't get to sleep.
Solution: wake up early for even one day, and tomorrow it'll be much easier! Also be sure to leave your last hour before bed for relaxing things only. Don't do stimulating things like exercise, drink caffeine, watch TV, work through stressful tasks, etc. Instead stretch out, do yoga, breath deeply, listen to relaxing music, listen to an audiobook (on a non-stressful topic) -- try doing this in a darkened room perhaps with a couple candles (low light helps prepare your body for sleep). You can also take a melatonin supplement, which is a natural way to help your body produce the hormones it needs to fall asleep. You can also take a warm shower or bath. Writing down your worries, to-do lists, or other distractions may also help clear your mind.

Problem: don't have the motivation to get out of bed. It's just so comfortable!
Solution: schedule some tasks for the time you'd like to get up. Sign up for something you'll feel guilty if you don't make it to -- a class, business conference, meeting, phone call, breakfast meeting, gym personal training session, etc. Ensure it's something that other people are expecting you to be at. Just one day a week of this will help you wake up earlier the rest of the days.

Problem: you stay up too late completing tasks (that are important tasks!)
Solution: look at the rest of your day and determine why you couldn't complete those tasks earlier. If they are not work tasks, consider batching all of these tasks together and use one weekend day to complete all of them so you can get to sleep earlier during the week. For instance, make a "not work" folder to keep bills, greeting cards to send, invitations, and lists of things you need to do -- such as laundry, shopping, etc. Keep these items in a special place as far from your work area as possible. Knowing you've schedule a day to accomplish these items means you won't be worried about forgetting to do them -- leaving your work time free and your mind fresh. Set your cell phone alarm or make a note on your calendar the day before you plan on doing these non-work tasks, just to be sure you don't get so caught up in your work you forget to pay your bills or buy milk!

problem: your friends text/IM you all day
solution: text/IM them back during your "lunch hour" but not throughout the day. You might even tell the people who contact you most to try to contact you around noon as that's when you'll be most likely to respond quickly

Try out these strategies and you'll likely see some fast results for increasing your focus and positivity throughout your work day. And it's as simple as waking up at the time you'd like to be up each day.

To become your best self...

2010-07-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

To create what you want, you need to become a slightly different person.

You are great the way you are -- you're living a life, and you have many great accomplishments and joys. However, there are additional ways you'd like to grow, potential you'd like to explore, and a wonderful life you'd like to build -- as they say "Whatever is not growing, is dying."

Taking time to grow is important.

Keeping your life the way it is now, means your results will stay pretty much the same. This is okay if you are 100% satisfied with your finances, love life, relationships, friends, travel/fun, and living situation. But even if so, it means you won't likely get the new things you know would make you happy.

On the flip side, when you even slightly improve yourself, your results improve as well. To create what you want, you need to become a slightly different person. What a concept right!?

Think about your goals and dreams for your life. These may be for your:

*career path
*business (building or starting one)
*finding the love of your life
*improving your relationship/finding new friends
*dreams for travel, family, or anything that moves you!

Write down a few sentences about, ideally, what you'd like to create for yourself in the above areas. What outcome would be fantastic? Or simply would make you really happy?

Now for a Visualization...

Relax for a moment and picture your life when it includes these wonderful things! A beautiful picture isn't it? Plenty of all you need. Spend 5-10 minutes "seeing" this. Just relax and close your eyes right now. It might help to play a relaxing song.

How to make it real...

Now, in order to create these things, you need to become the person who builds these dreams. This is a challenging task, that requires you to adapt, to stretch, to at times sacrifice, to perhaps increase your discipline, to tap into powerful parts of yourself -- to surprise yourself with what you will be capable of.

Are you ready!? Keep reading for the how.

The person you are right now is capable of getting the things you are currently getting. To get something new, requires become something new.

Just like a Caterpillar does an excellent job of crawling, but in order to fly, he must transform into a butterfly. Your new goals will requires "wings" as well! Read on to build those wings.

What are human "butterfly wings" made of?

Your strength. Your potential. Your path in life and journey -- that you feel in your gut and must follow. Your hard work. Your belief in yourself. You visualization of who you will become. Your task list checked off. Your risk. Your fears. Taking action despite your fears. Love for yourself. The boldness to try, despite possible failure. The hurt of failing. The strength of standing. Your brilliance. Your human adaptibility. The muscle you build by simply trying. The genius of trying something new. And faith in yourself completely, understanding for yourself, and providing a soft place for yourself to fall -- every step of the way.

What are your "wings" made of? What do you need your wings to be made of in order to accomplish what you need? Write it down now on a scrap of paper. Put that paper in your pocket.

Try it now:

1. Visualize who you would need to become to achieve your goals. How would this person think? What would they believe? How would they carry themselves? Where would they go? What would they wear? Eat? Say?

What is this person like? Visualize this person.

Become it.

Right now, even if you feel unready, become this person. Walk like them. Sit like them. Feel the feelings they feel. Think the thoughts they think.

Again, visualize the person. Successful and living your dreams. See it in great detail.

Who is that person? It's you. Living your potential. Calm, focused, centered, confident, relaxed, strong. You are a person who has worked hard to develop your potential.

Now take that piece of paper out of your pocket. Write on the paper, "This is who I am."

Again, re-visit the vision you created in your mind for who you would become. Now know that this is already you. This is the you who is hiding under a few layers of doubt. Just like the sculpted muscle that is hiding under a layer of fat.

See your life -- your new life. Now reach out at "grab" that life. Say out loud "This is who I am." See the images as you close your eyes. Now open your eyes and let the images remain playing in front of you, as if this new life was suspended in air in front of you.

Pull this new vision right into your chest, hold that new life and pull it right into your heart. Let it sit there and take up residence, a warm happy tingling in your heart. Pull in the new person who is capable of all of this, pull in the strength to do it, the strength to handle whatever happens -- pull it into you and keep it there in your heart. It's what you deserve. It's already you -- just a different aspect of yourself, as "you" as your toes or fingers, just a different level of potential you are unraveling -- it's like you're unwrapping a gift and uncovering more gifts inside! This is you.

Keep that paper in your pocket. Keep your vision in your heart. To become your best self, simply be who you are now. You are already all you need to be. All those butterfly wings to be strong on your back, and now it's time to take flight.

And watching you all fly is my greatest joy as your coach. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.

Are others holding you back from living your dreams?

2010-07-26T14:33:00.001-07:00

When you're in the process of discovering what you really want, all kinds of blocks can arise. Some are from within yourself, and others are from the people around you. Read about how the people who you spend the most time with may actually be holding you back from realizing what you want most in life.

What could be holding you back?

People. Your success may in fact be a bad thing for some other people -- it doesn't mean they are bad people for reacting this way, but we are all human! Family, friends, co-workers, bosses -- there will be people in your life afraid of what will happen if you try something new.

Will it be more work for your boss to find a new employee?
Will your family be annoyed at having you move far away and not be able to visit as often?
Will your significant other feel insecure after you've lost a lot of weight and may start to attract attention?

Not everyone will want to support your new ways. Some will even try to prevent you from succeeding -- you might notice dramatic bold actions on their part, intense arguments, or very subtle passive-aggressive manipulation or phrasing of the things they say to you -- putting pressure on you to keep things the way they are.

Examples:

*Your spouse gets angry every time you go to the gym, saying "You're never here to spend time with me." But there is plenty of time together -- and this has never been an issue for other non-gym events. The real fear is that the new, fit spouse will leave the relationship right after obtaining six-pack abs.
*Your mom says "Sure honey, everyone has big dreams, but it doesn't mean they are practical. We've always been a close family haven't we?" This mother is putting pressure on her child to stay close to home, out of fear that a big move might mean an upset to the "close family" and the relationships might not stay close -- even if this means dream sabotage. The pressure says "If you follow your dream, you're leaving your family behind and disappointing your parents."
*A girlfriend says to her boyfriend "You need to stay at your job for at least 2 years to gain experience. This economy is no time to move to another job!" The girlfriend is afraid if her boyfriend changes jobs, he won't be financially stable enough to ask her to marry him. However, her boyfriend is extremely stressed out in his job position, and it's affecting his stress level and heart-health. If he doesn't change jobs soon, there may be no boyfriend left for her to be with!

You can see in the above examples that often the people who hold you back don't intend to cause you any harm. Often, they truly think their approach is best for you and them. However, this can still do a lot of damage to you. If you don't discover and realize your potential, you won't be a very happy person for any of these people to be around. You will have less less money, success and happiness to share. You will simply be a walking dead person, if you follow the advice of people trying to hold you back. And that is certainly not a good thing for you -- or for them.

How to discover your dreams anyway!

If you have people in your life attempting to hold you back, your dreams aren't lost. Discovering your dreams in a safe place free from criticism is your best bet, so you can clearly know your path. Then, you can re-negotiate with people who may not agree with your new choices to improve yourself.

1) First work on discovering your dreams by freeing yourself up. Do this alone or with your life coach. The below should give you a great start:

A) First write out a list of what dreams you would have for yourself if you lived in a bubble separate from all influences of people in your life. It may help to think "If I was someone else, I would..." Or, if I didn't have my responsibilities, if I was younger/older, if I had a million dollars, I would_____________. I would do this with my life_________. This would make me most happy_____________.

B) If the above is too difficult, try to cleanse your thoughts first. Write a long list of all of the things you would never do in your life. The things that aren't "realistic" or "practical" or that would be "irresponsible" even if they are fun or would make you happy. Include all of the lessons you've been taught from a young age, and the values that have been instilled in you. Then, with this on paper, attempt to do exercise A again.

2. Write your new list of discovered dreams -- even if you feel a bit insane! Or like these things will never actually happen. That's a common feeling.

3. With your new list of dreams now discovered, you want to cement your new outlook and ensure it doesn't quickly evaporate. Do this by writing down your dreams daily. Talk about these ideas only with supportive people or your life coach. Find new people who will support you if none currently exist. Remember that your income and your happiness level are often an average of the income and happiness level of the five people you spend the most time with. Our lives are contagious -- ensure you're catching what you want.

4) Meet with the people impacted by your decisions -- after your dreams are clearly articulated -- and after you've spent some time cementing your new outlook with daily writing and discussing your ideas with highly supportive people, you'll want to set up some meetings with the people who have been attempting to hold you back. This could be a work meeting to tell your boss you're leaving the company. It could be a quiet night in to tell your husband you've decided to lose 40 pounds. It could be a lunch with your mother to tell her about your plan to move away from home.

5) Have a calm conversation -- try to stay as calm as you can -- this can be tricky because we are all passionate about our dreams. Work out before you meet if possible. Focus on clearly explaining your dream, your plan of action, and listening and asking questions about their fears. Explain why taking these new steps are important to you -- but avoid being defensive -- the other person may never fully understand and you need to accept that it isn't your job to convince them. Ask for their support and reassure them that you'll do whatever possible to reassure or help them. (Make sure you've decided what you feel is reasonable). Repeat back to the person what they've told you in different words -- this helps you let them know you understand. Make good on your offer to reassure or help them in a timely manner .

For instance, you might...

*Reassure your spouse that you have no intention of leaving them after you get fit, and you intend on boosting your health so you will be there to care for your family in later years. You might suggest that the two of you work-out together so you can both become healthier. However, your spouse may choose to stay unhealthy -- it isn't your job to convince them to agree with you, but to understand their own viewpoint may differ from yours.
*Put the word on the street about your job opening up, or offer to write down instructions for some newer tasks or systems you've put together in your current job to help the new hire get up-to-speed faster.
*Let your family know that staying close is important to you (if it is) and reassure your family that you will call once a week after moving far away.

Discovering what you want is hugely important! And separating out what YOU want from what OTHERS in your life want for you is equally important. The above will give you some tips on how to accomplish that. Hopefully the process is as smooth for you as possible! Believe in yourself and don't give up, despite the opposition.

The Lies We Retell

2010-06-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

All of us have been brought up to believe a variety of lies. Lies about what kinds of people we are, what we are capable of, what we deserve, and what we can expect out of life.

About the Lies...

The lies are told to all of us by a variety of (usually) well-intentioned people, who often have their own problems, which cause them to tell these lies. When we are young especially, we soak up these lies and believe in them strongly. For most of us, we will live our entire lives without challenging or even noticing this list of lies.

Sometimes the lies are told directly with words, and other times indirectly with action. For instance, someone can say "wow, you're really stupid," or they can say nothing, ignore you, change the subject, roll their eyes, let their eyes gloss over like you're the world's biggest idiot, etc.

We then continue to re-tell these lies to OURSELVES throughout the day, every day of our lives. We take action and go after goals (or avoid goals) that are consistent with the lies, we find friends and relationships that are in line with what the lies tell us -- we surround ourselves with that same false information. This helps us to feel that life "makes sense" and is easier to predict. The only trouble is -- the lies are not true.

You'd be surprised that some of the most admirable, confident, attractive, successful people are completely swimming in these lies -- it prevents them from truly be free, happy, and take the risks they need to truly live their best life. It prevents thoughts from even being formed, stifles actions and sabotages success. You'll find a lot of unfilled potential with these amazing individuals, simply because of the lies they've been taught.

What are some of these common lies? Here are a list that many of my clients mention -- keep in mind these clients are extremely successful financial traders, CEOs, business owners, entrepreneurs, artists, and other amazingly successful, smart, charming and attractive people:

I'm not the "cool guy" or "pretty girl."
I'm rather meek and not very outgoing.
I'm lazy.
I'm not very smart.
Relationships never work out for me.
I don't deserve better.
I'm not the kind of person who becomes "rich."
I must work extremely hard 10 hour days to be a good person.
I can't take a break, even for a second, or I'm "lazy."
I have no motivation.
It's not a big deal if people treat me badly/say negative things to me because I deserve that.
This is really the best I can hope for.
It's better to not take a risk

Though it may be shocking to see such vibrant, successful people BELIEVE these lies, you have your own list of lies -- we all do! What is your list comprised of? These are things you FEEL, BELIEVE, AND THINK are true -- so much so that you wouldn't even consider they could be LIES.

Either way, it is our responsibility as adults, to identify and rid ourselves of this list of lies that holds us prisoner and prevents us from attaining what we truly DESERVE in life.

Usually, when my clients come to a point where they are truly challenged in a new way, their list of lies come to the surface. The lies argue and protest with new efforts to break free of the LIES, insisting the client STOP and not chase the life they truly DESERVE.

For some clients the lies are relatively minor (they weren't lied to that much). For other clients the list is long and intense. Look at the things you were told about yourself. Make a list. What things do you feel about yourself that you know are holding you back? What would you become if those lies were no longer there?

It can be scary to let go of these lies, because the are so comfortable and FEEL like the truth. It can be hard to know what is on the other side of that blank slate, once you rid yourself of the lie -- on the other side, is the TRUTH. It's a good thing about yourself, and your life will become much easier when you live your truth.

However, for all clients, there is an underlying KNOWING that the lies are not true, despite feeling strong emotions/thoughts that insist they are true. But you'll feel tension and a tug-of-war inside yourself when you try to believe the truth.

It will take time to re-train yourself and build thoughts that are the truth.

EXAMPLE STORIES:

Here are some example stories of common lies we believe, and continue to believe. Can you see yourself in any of these examples? What is your list of lies? Truths? And impact?

A girl from the projects is told she's ugly and will never finish high school. She sees nothing except for poverty and friends and family working at minimum wage jobs. The LIES are, that she is ugly, she will make no money, and not have an education. The truth is, she is vivacious, beautiful, and is very good in school and has potential -- but the lies don't want her to believe that. The impact? She marries the first guy who shows any interest in her (who eventually cheats on her), drops out of high school, and works a minimum wage job that barely supports her and her children, but assumes that's all she can hope for -- she doesn't even consider scholarships, or finding another man who won't cheat. She makes jokes about her "lot in life" and plays the lottery in the hopes of striking it rich, but doesn't expect to make more money on her own -- though she could easily be quite successful at work if she tried.

A young boy sees his dad focused on his older brothers who are both star athletes. He is okay at sports, but doesn't make the cut. He's made to feel weak and told he'll have to focus on other things in life. The LIES are that he is a sports failure and will never be good enough, so why even try? The truth is, he's athletic and better than average at any sport he tries, and fully capable of a successful life. The impact? He gives up on sports completely (even for fun), doesn't work out (because why try?), gains a lot of weight, and considers himself a failure who can only excel at non-sports-related things. This impacts his career, as he doesn't see the point in trying at any area of life. He doesn't date anyone he really likes (because he has nothing to offer), and doesn't try for promotions. He makes less money than he could and his health suffers from the excess weight, and he alternates between being single and remaining in bad relationshps he doesn't really want.

A girl is ignored by her busy parents. She notices the other children at school all have friends, but she has none. She figures no one wants to be around her. Her mother says she isn't pretty, because she wants her to be strong and not rely on her looks. The LIES are that there is something really wrong with her for no one to want to spend time with her, and that she is ugly. The truth is, she is very likeable and attractive and many would like to date her and be friends. The impact? She assumes no one will have time for her (due to this unknown "defect" in her), and she avoids contact with people, becoming depressed and spending most of her time alone. She feels awkward if anyone asks her to hang out and declines (they'll only find out the "truth" about her and her "defects" if she lets them in, and she avoids dating due to assuming she will be rejected. Because she fears rejection, she doesn't even attempt to get to know others. Her depression leads her to not have the energy to pursue her career goals and she drinks more than she should.

A boy is only rewarded when he finishes tasks around the house or does well at school. He's told he's smart, but it's a "good thing" he is, because he is not as fun as his siblings. He doesn't really "click" with his parents the way his siblings do, and he is yelled at often for being lazy, despite getting good grades and succeeding. He's locked in his room for hours to do homework and only allowed to come out to eat his dinner after he finishes, sometimes as late at 9pm. The LIES are that he is boring, lazy, and his only value is in completing tasks or work -- he must suffer in exhausting work in order to get any rewards/attention. The truth is, he is not boring, but simply had a personality that didn't click with his parents (others find him entertaining and fun), he is smart and good at working, but there are other things he's good at as well, and he doesn't need to suffer in working, but can instead work a reasonable amount of time and still be rewarded. The impact? He finds himself drawn to the longest-hour jobs available that leave no time for a social life (out of fear he'll have relationships and be "found out" as being a boring, worthless friend or date), he succeeds at work and climbs the corporate ladder quickly, but is horribly lonely and avoids all social events, blaming his work schedule. He has money, but doesn't enjoy spending it because there is no purpose, and no one to share it with. He has short flings but is terrified of someone actually knowing him. He'd like a family, but is too scared to date anyone seriously.

My list of lies________
My truth___________
The impact__________

Go towards good

2010-04-23T11:52:00.001-07:00

Go towards good.

It's that simple. Is the situation or person good, supportive, and helping you? If not, leave.

Walk towards situations that make you feel vibrant, excited, happy, calm, understood peaceful, amazing, appreciated, amazing, content, like you're going in the right direction, relaxed, focused, like you're contributing something important, fairness, honesty, integrity.

Anything else is not in your best interest. There is nothing to analyze or figure.

Good people.

Good work.

Good health.

Good emotional health.

Good struggles.

Good rewards.

Good strength.

This doesn't mean you won't experience bad things and struggle, but remember to walk away from harmful things, mean people, negative things, abuse -- these are not the right struggles for you. Leave.

Go towards good. Welcome it into your life like an old friend. Run far from anything else, close the door to it, and look away.

NYC Life Coaching

2010-04-04T21:21:00.001-07:00

This City Scoops article describes 3 NYC Life Coaches, including me!

http://www.cityscoopsny.com/?p=2632

In a Job Searching Rut?

2010-03-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

If you're searching for a job, it's easy to get used to searching only 1 or 2 sites a day and to become in a "rut" if you will. You're probably on monster.com, but what about other boards?

Expand your options by including at least one new job board a day. Shake up your routine by searching new boards and you might just find a job you hadn't seen before!

Here are some of the newest and most popular job boards you might not have heard of!

* Beyond.com
* Snagajob.com (great for hourly work)
* Job.com
* Indeed.com (2nd fastest growing job site)
* Simplyhired.com
* Careerbuilder.com
* hotjobs.yahoo.com
* Usajobs.gov (Federal government jobs)
* Craigslist.com

Information from this recent Forbes.com article.

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/26/job-seeking-websites-entrepreneurs-human-resources-monster.html

New Job Sites

2010-03-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

Beyond.com
Snagajob.com (great for hourly work)
Job.com
Indeed.com (2nd fastest growing job site)
Simplyhired.com
Careerbuilder.com
hotjobs.yahoo.com
Usajobs.gov (Federal government jobs)
Craigslist.com

Information from this recent Forbes.com article.

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/26/job-seeking-websites-entrepreneurs-human-resources-monster.html

Take immediate action

2010-02-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

And do whatever will impact your goal the most.

Planning is important, but acting is more important. You can refine your goals later or tweak your approach. For now, ACT. You'll feel a surge of energy from this that will build your confidence and propel your forward faster.

I challenge you to do it! You'll do it well, better than you think. Or, you'll learn something vital and amazing. Either way, a great success.

Choose one small thing to ACT on today. Do it, and write down how you feel. Continue to do this once a day and you'll see a big result!

Wishing you much success!

Make money in a recession?

2010-02-22T17:19:00.000-08:00

I really like the way this guy thinks! He has a very interesting perspective I hope you'll check out.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2008/12/how-to-make-lots-of-money-during-a-recession/

Is your marriage/relationship likely to fail?

2010-02-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

This researcher has a reliable method for spotting the signs of relationship doom. Look at the signs, and see if your relationship or marriage is in need of big help.

Is your marriage/relationship likely to fail?

Famous researcher John Gottman has identified

a reliable method for spotting the signs of relationship doom. Look at the signs, and see if your relationship or marriage is in need of big help.

The signs include

1. How a discussion begins -- using harsh language, being negative, or showing contempt lead to a failed discussion with a negative outcome. On the other hand, being positive increases the odds the discussion will end on a positive note.

2. The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." This common group of 4 warning signs almost certainly leads to divorce.

First, Criticism -- not to be confused with healthy "complaints." Complaints are fine. They are facts about feelings and situation, i.e., "When you didn't show up on time, I was angry." Criticism however, spells disaster. An example of criticism is, "You're a selfish fool for being late. Why can't you wear a watch you idiot?" Criticism attacks a person's character and leads to relationship breakdown.

Second, Contempt -- a common reaction to criticism. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, making a mockery of a conversation, etc. This is the worst of all 4 signs, as it communicates disgust. It also escalates conflict. Resolution is impossible when one person is communicating with contempt. All efforts will be doomed to fail if contempt is present.

Third, Defensiveness -- a reaction to contempt, becoming defensive means a partner is saying "the problem is not me, it's YOU." This of course results in escalating the problem farther. Resolving the problem is impossible.

Fourth, Stonewalling -- more common in men, though sometimes used by women, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. Becoming non-responsive. The lack of response usually enrages the partner farther, continuing the conflict. Or the conflict is dropped, but not resolved, often leading to loneliness within the relationship or divorce.

3. Becoming Flooded -- this happens when one partner becomes emotionally overwhelmed. It happens because one partner had used negativity including defensiveness, contempt, or criticism. Disengaging is a common reaction that provides a temporary protected feeling, but usually leads to divorce.

4. Bad Body Language -- stress changes in the body due to flooding, such as an increase in blood pressure, make it much harder to think intelligently and resolve the conflict. Instead, partners fight or flee, leaving the problems unsolved and wounds fresh. This means the problems will not be resolved and will come up again.

5. Failed Attempts to Repair -- one partner in a happy relationship will reduce conflict by making a joke, giving a smile, a touch, a hug. These actions work to reduce conflict, preventing the negative chain of events. However, if one partner has already reached the flooded stage, these attempts to reduce conflict will fail.

6. Recalling Bad Memories -- if this negative chain of events happens enough, couples will be left with much pain and unresolved problems. This creates a series of bad memories that leads to negativity. This negative view actually distorts the past perception of what's happened, leading to see the partner as "bad." This spells almost certain doom for a couple.

References:
Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Dr. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How You Can Make Yours Last
http://www.isoulseek.com/sitebranches/relationskills/articles/6signs.pdf

Happiest Countries -- America isn't in the top 10

2010-02-08T11:03:00.001-08:00

Money doesn't make us happy -- we heard this. We knowingly nod when others remind us of this. But we don't actually believe it. We scoff at celebrities spending thousands, we jealously say bitter things about people with better jobs than us, we insist that CEOs must never have any problems because of their huge paychecks -- all showing that we really do think rich people are happier than us. And if only we made more, we too would be happy.

But there's a reason America didn't even make the top 10 for happiest countries in 2009.

We're wrong. People are not happier with huge paychecks.

These lies are one reason America is not one of the happiest countries, despite our standard of living.

Most all of the marketing we've breathed in since we were children has lied to us -- insisting that buying more will make us happy -- that carrying a certain handbag or having a nice car will make us "better."

Money, like food, can make you feel secure, but it won't add to the quality of your life -- you can only eat so much food in a day. Excess food, or money, stacked up, won't really make you jump for joy with bliss. It'll just pay your bills, make your belly full -- which are important, just like having clean water is important. But after your survival is ensured, as it is for most Americans, what will make you happy is not more money, more food, more clean water -- that's our biggest fallacy.

It is relationships. That's what makes us happy. Loving, being loved, being understood, understanding others, being parts of groups who know us and care about us. That is the missing link in America. We don't know how to do that, the way we know how to go to work, make more money, and buy more cars. Marketing led us to the mistake, but it's up to us to change it.

You need a certain amount of food each day to live, just as with money. But you can only eat so much in a day, and in a lifetime. Having a bunch of extra food might be a good idea -- you can store it in case of emergency, and have extra to give away to others if need be. It might even make you feel secure knowing you won't have to worry about food again. But after that, your life is just your life. Having an enormous refrigerator or pantry full of mac 'n cheese to last you decades can only up your joy factor so high. It won't make you happy. It will just make you full. Money is the same. It won't make you full of joy. It will only pay your bills. That's it -- that's all it will do.

Make your money, make yourself secure, but chase happiness in your relationships, learn how to have them, discover what good ones are, learn about yourself and others -- that will make you happy for a lifetime the way a big pile of food or green bills simply can't.

Looking for a new job?

2010-01-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

"Where the Jobs Are" Event (Manhattan), Tuesday Jan 26th, 5:30pm-7:30pm. Visit my coaching table for giveaways and coaching discounts! Details here: http://www.networkingforprofessionals.com/eventlistings.php?event=JOBS

When we lose something

2010-01-12T14:34:00.001-08:00

The things we lose, they fall away like fragments of a statue as it's being sculpted. what lies beneath is the beautiful form, that only removing parts of the marble could create.

We all have things we need to lose, in order to gain what we want. Sometimes losing these things, or people, is extremely painful. It is painful to carve into that statue. But it's also what allows the statue to take form.

What do you need to lose?

Losing weight, to gain health.
Bad relationships to gain good ones.
Anger, to gain acceptance.
Fear to gain courage.

What do you need to allow to be chipped off of your statue so you can shine?

Frustrated dating?

2010-01-01T10:10:00.000-08:00

I'm reposting this ad here on my blog for you frustrated daters in Manhattan!

Looking for a great, compatible relationship? Been dating a lot, but haven't found the right one? We all know it's tough out there in NYC, one of the most difficult places to date in the country.

Work with me to stay motivated and clarify what you want, to become the best version of yourself. This will lead you to naturally draw in your best matches!

This is NOT a "get laid" approach -- that's easy enough to do in the city. The hard part about Manhattan is finding a real, honest, supportive relationship, and that's what I help you with! My typical client is successful, social, confident -- and frustrated they haven't found the right person yet. They're typically quite busy, or have been very busy in the past -- which can make it difficult to date.

I'm a NYC certified life coach, and I myself have online dated for over 5 years, so I know how frustrating and uninspiring it can be! This is what we'll work on, plus more:

*CREATE your vision for what you actually want in a relationship -- if you aren't writing your own rules, you might be self-sabatoging! It's easier to get what you know you want!
*DISCOVER your strengths as a person -- you can't feel confident about what you don't know you have! We'll uncover your top personality strengths, so you can clearly know what you're bringing to a relationship.
*FIND OUT your number one personality type for long term compatibility -- out of 16 types! Plus 3 other "best" types for least conflict in long-term dating -- learn what traits your best matches have and how to find them in a crowd, or online.
*FEEL CONFIDENT about your appearance -- we'll boost your confidence by accentuating the positive. Confidence is the most important physical attribute -- we'll strengthen that foundation. We'll encourage you to do your best to look great -- little things like a great haircut or new shoes really do make a difference -- but we won't go overboard here -- low maintainance casual hot is what we're after.
*UNDERSTAND YOUR BELIEFS about dating, and identify the ones that have held you back. We'll seek the truth here, so you can write your own new beliefs that support your vision.
*STAY ON-TRACK AND MOTIVATED with our weekly check-ins -- otherwise we all know how easy it is to have dating burnout.
*STRIVE TO BALANCE ALL AREAS of your life, so you feel happy and good in general, which is always attractive!
*CREATE BODY LANGUAGE -- in-person sessions will help us make the most of your naturally attractive body language, and learn ways to become even more attractive simply by how you're sitting or standing.
*BE YOURSELF COMPLETELY on dates, to attract the most compatible matches for the long-term (people who GET you) -- but the best version of yourself.
*TAKE ACTION after creating your plan of what you want and how you'd like to go about it -- you won't be forced to take unpleasant action, but will be excited about the tasks that you choose for yourself.
*MAKE 2010 the year you get what you want!! You deserve it.

I'm a late 20s female coach, ICF NYC member, Certified coach. I work with all kinds of successful people looking for a great relationship. I also coach in the areas of career and business and lead workshops on these topics in the city. For more about me, visit: http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com/

So let's get started! A 5-session "New Start for the New Year" package is available for a promotional price! Email now to ensure you get that before it ends. Include this code in your email when you ask about the special rate -- NY10VV. Looking forward to getting your email and sending you details!

I was invited to speak...

2009-12-15T12:47:00.000-08:00

about personality types at this Duke NYC Alumni event. If you're in NYC and attended Duke, please join us!

"6 Degrees of Duke" Networking Night

WHAT: DCNY's "6 Degrees of Duke" networking night, this month featuring life and career coach, Julie Melillo,** who will help us better understand ourselves by exploring our personality types. In just a few minutes, some simple exercises will reveal your top two personal strengths and your most compatible relationships for work.

WHO: For alumni (undergraduate and graduate) of all ages!

WHERE: McFadden's*, 42nd Street at 2nd Avenue
*Front room from 7:00 - 7:30 p.m. and back private room starting at 7:30 p.m. Julie will begin her presentation at 7:45 p.m. SHARP.

WHEN: Tuesday, December 15, 7:00 - 9:00 p.m. (and the 3rd Tuesday of every month)

================
**JULIE MELILLO BIO:
Julie Melillo has a BA in Communications, minor in Journalism and graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Arizona. She is a member of The International Coach Federation and is a Certified Life Coach. Julie has written numerous articles on coaching topics including a five-step goal-reaching success process and personality type strength expertise evaluation that are read by thousands worldwide. She has written two e-books including "The Happy Book: 10 Ways to Completely Change Your Life."

Trouble getting along during that Thanksgiving meal?

2009-11-25T17:59:00.000-08:00

The wonderful time of Thanksgiving can also bring alive all kinds of family tensions that have been simmering all year long. How you deal with it can make the difference between tearing your hair out, and having a relaxing holiday.

For many of my clients, there is at least one person they are nervous about seeing -- conflicting personality family members, ex-spouses, in-laws, or other potentially stressful situations. Try these tips to make your holiday more relaxing and enjoyable!

Tips:

1. Remember that another people's decisions, words, and actions are NOT yours -- you can't control others, regardless of how awful or mean they are acting. Let go of trying to control others, or anticipate what they will do, since you DON'T have that power.

2. You DO have power over yourself. Make decisions about how you will spend your holiday, with which people, and decide who you will talk with more, and who will get less of your time. Remember to keep your behavior, choices and actions in mind -- they are what you do have control over, and your actions influence others as much as theirs do you.

3. If you feel big issues brewing, you may want to look into therapy or counseling after you holiday is over. It can be a good time to get some clarity. If you instead feel like taking action to get your life where you want quickly, and already feel emotionally healthy/whole, then try coaching soon after the holiday.

4. Remember that this one time of year when many people gather from all over the country is only one short time in your life -- be mindful of the memories you want to create both for yourself, and others.

5. Keep a journal of your experience -- write your fears of interacting with family members, conflict situations, tense moments, or fragile relationships. Also write down any experiences after they happen to help you digest what's gone on and decide what you'd like to do about it.

6. Remember your happiness and life are in your own control -- everything is a series of decisions you can make.

7. Hopefully your holiday will be wonderful, and better than you expected! But if not, welcome the chance to learn about yourself, others, and what you really want and need to be happy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Women and insecurity

2009-11-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

Regardless of how gorgeous, beautiful and amazing a woman looks, her personality will be one of the following. Though all women has aspects of both, one will be more dominant at any point in time.

1)The insecure woman -- constantly applying make-up, obsessed with "problems" with their bodies, obsessively shopping, and other habits to cover up insecurity. Worries a lot and never seems to have enough, always looking for the next trend, the next thing to make that worrying feeling stop. She might even feel that looking perfect will make certain situations go better.

2) The secure woman -- look nice, but doesn't obsess about her appearance -- yet somehow attracts every eye in the room. Puts effort into how she looks, but doesn't worry too much -- what she thinks matters more than what others think. Focuses on doing things she likes that make her happy and doesn't worry much about the rest.

And this has very little to do with how a woman looks.

Wouldn't you assume that a beautiful woman would be secure? Not the case. And wouldn't you assume a less attractive woman would hide in a corner? Also not the case. Personality and outlook matter a LOT here, which in turn, affects how others respond. It can really become a self-fulfilling prophecy (in a good or a bad way)!

1) Regardless of how many cosmetics you are carrying in your expensive handbag, when you feel great about your life, people can tell immediately -- your smile is brighter, your step lighter and all eyes are on you as you walk into a room. Becoming that "it" girl is easier when you're happy -- and it has less to do with make-up than with what your thoughts are made of. People do wonder what you're up to when you're smiling a bit, or have a sparkle in your eyes. It's something you can never buy or attain with a flawless figure.

2) Changing your outlook, to see things objectively and increase your confidence can help you to get that calm, happy, excited about life feeling! Becoming happier, and having that attractive sort of "shine" to your everyday life, is easier when you can work to build unshakeable confidence -- that confidence that carries over into even the most difficult situations. It takes a while to develop, but once you build the foundation, you'll have that strength for life. But you must be willing to work for it, as it won't always come easily at first -- especially if you're caught in old thinking patterns.

3) To get the objective view and build unshakeable confidence, you can work with a coach one-on-one. After you've built this, you'll worry less about your appearance and feel stronger. Then it'll become easier to feel happy, as you'll alter your life to suit you.

In your personal Life Coaching session, we will look overall life, to increase your happiness, so you can truly SHINE. Become your best by building a powerful foundation of unbreakable confidence. Not a cover up, but a foundation.

We'll start by rating your satisfaction level with these items!

Living situation
Work/career
Money/finances
Love life/relationship
Family
Friends
Fun/recreation
Health/fitness
Life purpose/feeling of fulfillment
Feeling of control over life

We'll rate each from 1-10 in your first session. Then we'll work to bridge the gap, to get you to a fulfilling result faster!

No matter how happy, or how much you have already, there is room to become your ultimate best, to live your greatest potential, and be like you never have before.

To start, email me to set up a complimentary consultation over the phone -- if we're a good fit, we'll set up your first phone coaching session, where we will go over the above items and begin to improve your life!

Certified, experienced, Manhattan-based coach and member of the ICF.

www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

The "simple things" -- they can help you achieve!

2009-11-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

The simple things -- those obvious things that make you happy but which aren't "practical" or "productive" -- are too often overlooked. We value work so much in our society, that it can lead us to forget how important other things are, e.g., having people who care about you, taking care of your health, and doing things you enjoy is. We could all be so much happier if they taught us those things from an early age! But instead we seem to often focus on hard work and hopefully, eventually stumble upon happiness.

Sometimes, it can seem "lazy" or even "selfish" to take that time to develop your happiness -- the good things in your life -- which is ridiculous, as those things make life good! And they also make it easier to work hard, as your health, heart and mind are supported.

What "simple things" do you need to feel good? To be your best and happiest? Make a list and then seek those things out! There's nothing wrong with knowing you need some things.

Examples: (your list may be very different!)

Taking time to unwind and relax
Signing up for a class, just for fun!
Reading for a whole day
Friends who understand you -- and listen to you
Family members who are there for you
A night out on the town
Going to a baseball game
Meeting new, fun people
Being part of a group, such as a sports group, club, etc.
Window shopping, working on a project, making cookies, watching TV, reading mindless magazines, wasting time, camping, hiking, doing your nails, buying new clothing, etc.

We're often taught to try to not "need" anything or anyone. But the problem with this is, we are then struggling to get by instead of thriving. A potted plant may not "need" special soil and sprays in order to simply grow, but to thrive, that plant DOES need that extra care.

So instead of feeling guilty for needing anything, know that in order to reach your highest level of potential, you will need some extras -- extra rest, fun, health, friends, love, etc. No, these things aren't necessary just to exist, but they are necessary to thrive and reach your highest potential, in ALL areas of your life!

Potential

2009-11-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

It's the glimmer, that sparkle in someone's eyes, no matter how far away their goals and dreams seem. It's what makes room for that passion to spark into something unstoppable. It's what made me want to move to NYC, and what makes me excited to stay here. Potential is the reason I'm excited every time I sit down with or start a call with a client.

All of us, no matter where we've been, or who we have been, have SO much more potential than we could ever realize. More to uncover, uncharted waters and struggles and adventures that will take us from now to places we could never imagine. To good things we thought didn't exist. They DO. And it's the potential, that room to create something new, that gleam in your eyes, that will take you there.

Think about your own potential. It may seem impossible and far, far away. But things often seem different from how they are. We are wrong all the time. So if you've given up on your dreams, you may very well be wrong.

Your potential will take you there, if you let it. Unlock it. See what happens. Better things than you thought are out there for you. I'd like to help you see that.

Whether you're a CEO, an artist, someone who makes everyone else jealous -- it doesn't matter. You still are probably pretty miserable if you're like most Americans. But there is more to find out, more to do, and plenty of a chance to find out what happiness for YOU is like.

Email me for a consultation (complimentary).

-Julie

P.S. I love this new song! It's about NYC and potential.

what inspires you?

2009-11-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

what inspires you? recharges you? It's probably something you haven't done in 10 years or more. Or something you've never done.

Burnout is so common that most of us don't even realize we ARE burned out. It just feels normal. But that's not normal. That's not how you need to be anymore.

It seems like a waste to be "inspired" and "recharge" doesn't it? You'd rather be ACCOMPLISHING right? Well, without that fuel, you are a car driving on empty. You are SLOW. Unfocused, lacking energy.

People can feel your energy. They know when you are burned out. It affects everything.

So make a list of 10 things that make you feel vibrant, alive, that makes your skin tingle and your heart feel light. Those things that effortlessly allow you to feel energy and want to take off running and laughing. DO those things. You deserve it! And it will build the foundation, the rich soil, from which you can ACCOMPLISH, quickly, happily. You can drag your feet through the mud and pat yourself on the back for overcoming adversity, OR just find the path first and simply walk on it. It's so much easier.

Life should be EASY, or at least easier than it's been. Write your inspire list. Feel the joy of doing those things and let it flow over into everything.

Good luck! :D

How to Fade Fear in 8 steps!

2009-11-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

We all feel fear rise up as we consider taking action. Follow these steps to clear out the fear and get what you want faster! Fears aren't rational and this exercise will help to guide you back to feeling aligned with your goals.

1. Think about taking action.
2. Feel the fear rise up -- write down your experience of the fear. (Does your heart pound? where you feel it in your body? Does it feel like a cold block of ice on your chest? What color is it? Is the fear trying to prevent something from "harming" you?
3. What harm is the fear trying to prevent? What bad outcome could happen that you're afraid of?) Let the fear grow and ask it to "talk to you" to explain why it's so afraid. Close your eyes, breathe and try to visualize what the fear is trying to show you.
4. Listen -- you may see images, feel sensations of fear in your body or remember painful memories.
5. Acknowledge the fear like you would talk to a screaming child -- say "It's OK, I know you're scared, but your reasons don't make sense. This situation isn't going to harm us as you think it is."
6. Tell your fear that you have good approaches and are working to improve things by taking action that could bring good results. Visualize the success you're after and tell the fear "this is why I'm taking this action." If you feel resistance, go back and repeat the exercise from step 1 until you uncover all aspects of the fear.
7. Ask for your fear to support your new efforts. Say to the fear "Can you be on board with me, in making this happen?" If "yes" then "Great, I'm glad you're on board -- please help me to think of new, better ways to accomplish this."
8. Visualize the success you're after. Ask the fear to be your partner in discovering the best actions to bring this about.

An example of how you might answer:

1. ok
2. The fear feels like pricks around my lower neck, almost like shocks warning me not to do it. If it was a color it'd be yellow. It feels like my heart is jumping or fluttering a bit in an unpleasant way.
3. Fears. Note: This took about 10 minutes of contemplating to get any answers.

I could do a lot of effort with no result and waste time, energy, etc.
I could embarass myself.
I could run into someone I know and look foolish.
If it doesn't work, maybe it means my goal isn't realistic -- I don't want to accept that, as it would mean other unpleasant things happening.
I'd rather live in a dream world where this is possible -- if I take action and fail, maybe it isn't possible.
I don't want to give up on it, and may have to if it fails -- it's easier to cling to the hope -- and what if there is no hope left?
Will I be strong enough to continue?
Taking action could equal a failure.
It's nicer to see it as a possible win, instead of a confirmed defeat.
I'm not sure I could handle the defeat, ETC.

4. Note: It was scary to let the fear "grow." Closed eyes and saw a visualization of self jumping into gray ocean waves in a hurricane with sharks in the water.
5. Talked to the fear and told it "I know you're scared because this is new and it's like jumping into choppy shark infested waters -- you're afraid of being harmed...You're afraid of failing and then not having any hope left of something better. This situation won't harm us the way you think it will, because no matter what doesn't work, I will think of another approach. So there is no harm in trying, because the hope doesn't die with a small failure, it will grow as I seek out other approaches that work better -- failing could even fine tune things faster, leading to happy positive outcomes more quickly. So there is nothing to fear. You will be strong enough to handle it. And your dreams are possible and will be possible regardless of anything, if you make them happen.
6. ok. At first, visualized a brick wall. Then realized was afraid of failing and getting so upset that I'd never take action again. Realized that even if that happened, I could always change the approach at any time, regardless, and still achieve the same end goal. Saw myself being more fluid. Saw it being easy, fun, relaxed, more like "me" and less like someone else's approach. Saw it as more of a solid, real thing. More stable and realistic. Clear like the sky is blue.
7. The fear "agreed." Felt much calmer after. Felt like the fear was actually processing a bit, or maybe even thinking of solutions in the back of my mind. Felt more aligned and centerred instead of pulled in different directions. Felt that taking action would now be much easier.
8. Felt like the goal was more tangible after "seeing" it in a visualization. Felt more relaxed. Can see myself taking action faster and not procrastinating now.

Take Action!

2009-10-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

Even if you're unsure, taking action in one direction can give you valuable feedback that over-analyzing can't. You don't have to do something drastic -- you can take a small action: make a phone call, send an email, go somewhere new.

The results of your action will likely propel you to continue on, as you'll see that it's not as hard as you thought to get the ball rolling.

Most of us procrastinate endlessly because we don't yet have every piece of information perfectly aligned -- taking action stops this cycle and propels you forward more quickly than anything.

Doing something new gives you energy -- it may feel like nerves, but energy is all is is -- it's the same energy as excitement, which is what you need to energize your goals and bring about the new mindset you'll need as you grow.

Take one small new action today -- doesn't need to be an enormous action. Even a tiny task may be enough to energize you and shake up your mindset. Good luck!

Is it possible?

2009-10-12T09:19:00.001-07:00

If you don't believe it's possible, it won't be. If you don't allow yourself to be powerful, you won't. Preventing yourself from being powerful, is still using your power, but for a different outcome.

You're either creating what you want, or what you don't want. The energy is the same. So might as well re-direct that energy towards what you want instead. A small shift with a big result.

What's one thing that is actually possible, that you've been afraid to realize? What's one thing you haven't been open to?

Want to work on this together? Get weekly phone coaching. 2-week trial rate less than half the full rate!! www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Power

2009-10-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

You're powerful always. But you have a choice as to whether you use that power, or not.

It's fine at times to hide from your power, but remember it is there. You can be meek, distracted, weak, but that doesn't mean that is who you are.

How we act in one situation can be very different from another. What situations have you had in your life? Which traits have they brought out in you? Are there other aspects of you that haven't had an opportunity to shine?

What situations would allow you to shine and feel powerful in your life now?

If there is an area of life you'd prefer to be more powerful in, you can always choose to make that happen.

www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Why it's so hard to break habits -- blame your brain

2009-10-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to learn something new? And so easy to do things out of habit? Even when you'd rather break a habit and do something completely new?

Have you ever struggled to break a habit? Whether that was bad eating, avoiding exercise, smoking, or thinking negative thoughts? Have you ever been so frustrated and given up, despite logically knowing the new habit or thoughts would do you good? You've probably heard a lot about "thinking new thoughts" and how important it is to do that. What we practice becomes habit, and habits are tough to break -- but how do you create new, better habits, when your brain seems to not want to help you out? And your behavior follows suit, creating a vicious cycle!

Instead of beating yourself up, understand why it happens. Habits are powerful, chemical and electrical processes that happen in your brain -- no wonder it's tough!

Let's break it down.

1. While you're sitting there frustrated, your brain's cells (neurons) are communicating via nerve endings (synapses and dendrites). These nerve endings are releasing chemical or electrical pulses to send a message to other cells in your brain. This is going on all the time, even right now.

2. You start with a weak link between new things. The neuropathways connecting cells will initially not be strong. When you decide to change your negative thought of "I'm so dumb" to a positive one of "I can learn new things" you are contending with a weak neuropathway.

Example:

Think of one nerve ending named Bob, and another Jane. Bob and Jane work in the same office, but don't know each other very well. Maybe they've seen each other around. Bob wants to get a message across to Jane, so he writes something on a notepad, and throws it across the room at her. Jane jumps, but gets the message.

Now, the first time your brain's cell nerve endings send a new message, that relationship between those cells is weak. Jane has never met Bob before and is thinking "Who is this guy? Why is he throwing note pads at me? Whatever. I don't even remember his name." So the pathway between those brain cells is weak.

This is why when you learn something new, it's difficult! Cell nerve endings are communicating but may have never even met! Jane doesn't know who the heck Bob even is. Of course it's tough to learn to ride a bike or remember French vocabulary or memorize a technical document at work. Your brain cells are struggling to form new neuropathways.

But in time, the neuropathways become stronger. Bob and Jane get to know each other -- a strong link between them develops where they send information rapidly back and forth. A line in the dirt becomes a road, which becomes a super fast highway. Now Jane can say "danish!" and Bob will start laughing at their inside joke.

Your neuropathways have dug a deep rut into your brain, linking thoughts together, and allowing Bob and Jane to throw info back and forth quickly and easily.

At this point, speaking French becomes second nature. Riding a bike seems to be something you've always known. Thinking you're an idiot because your older brother told you so seems to be a "fact." It of course takes quite a while to get to this point. Often years.

This is great for linking together important information that you want linked! Such as speaking a language or remembering the steps in a process, or the way home. It's also wonderful for continuing healthy habits that lead to accomplishing your goals faster. But it's very bad for trying to un-learn bad habits or learn new ones.

Examples of how your brain might be linking things together right now:

In a positive way :)

Feeling blah = go to the gym! :)
Looking for excitement = learn something new
Want a snack = something healthy and tasty
Want more money = find new ways to succeed at work

In not-so-positive of a way :(

Hungry = box of donuts
Angry = throw something
Looking for excitement = drag racing
Want more money = rob a liquor store

But unfortunately, when there is a strong neuropathway, it is a force to be reckoned with when you attempt to unlearn a habit, or re-learn something else. You need to literally break down one bridge and begin to travel over a new bridge. This takes a lot of practice, and some pain, as you are destroying the connections between existing cells.

What if instead of having "new challenge" linked with "fear," you had it linked with "excitement"? How would that change things?

Think of the bridges and links in your brain you'd like to tear down. The Bob and Jane relationships you'd like to sever, or build stronger. The areas of your life where you'd like to build something new. The dirt roads you'd like to construct into super fast highways. The super fast highways you'd like to permanently close.

Luckily, we do have the ability to change our habits, though it's certainly not easy.

You need to destroy an old habit, as you build a new one. Painful, not easy, but necessary. You have the power to link anything together in your brain -- so choose your connections carefully. Learn the ideas and concepts that will support your endeavors. Build your confidence with the best thoughts to support or motivate your actions. Remove the cell connections that are preventing positive action.

It's not easy, but you can discover which cell connections you currently have, which would better support your end goals, and make the shift by practicing immersing yourself in new thoughts and taking new, slightly scary actions. It's not an overnight process, but Life Coaching can help with every step. Contact me if you'd like a short complimentary phone consultation!

Wishing you success, excitement and fun!

-Julie

3 Steps to create more confidence, NOW!

2009-09-23T22:07:00.001-07:00

Big presentation? Job interview? Date with potential? Need more confidence fast? Of course you do. Even the boldest of us can use an extra shot of flair.

Here's how. It's all in the mindset.

1. Let go of the outcome! You don't control it. Example: you can't hire yourself, agree to a date with yourself, pay yourself money, change the results of an exam, etc. Those are outcomes and you CAN'T control outcomes. So don't beat yourself up about what you can't control -- the end result is NOT in your control.

2. INSTEAD: What IS in your control are the actions you take. Take all the shots you would take if you weren't scared. Do them the BEST you can at that time.

3. Make a list of "fearless" things you would do if you were ridiculous confident! Do them. Even if you are scared. Focus on DOING the action, FORGETTING the outcome. Doing another action. This will increase your odds for eventually reaching your end goal faster, with less frustration (since it's frustrating to try to control what you can't). And always immediately forgive any mistakes you make -- we're all constantly learning and are human. Forgiving yourself will allow you to learn and improve faster!

Note: This is of course a process. It becomes a habit the more often that you DO this. Try working on this at least weekly.

Want to get confident faster? Work with a Certified Life Coach once a week (1 hour phone session). Or in-person session in Manhattan. You set the agenda for the goal (personal or professional). It's more fun and a way to develop habits that support your goals, while creating faster results. Not bad for 1 hour a week! Trial Rate for your first two weeks! Discount Packages available. Email for consultation and details -- yourdreamslifecoach@gmail.com. Or visit www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

The struggle and joy of change

2009-09-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

Enjoy this poem about the struggle and joy of change. I think the coaching process is truly amazing and wanted to try to capture a bit of it in this poem -- I hope you enjoy it! :) Wishing you much success in your goals.

You can also watch me reading this poem on You Tube.

Moment

blurring past
won't let me back
in
when I wrap this new paper
all around
a gift
and here we go
won't look back
no
a tree stretches out roots
grabbing soil like it should
strong grip
like ancient things flowing
right through
my bloodstream
and all the strength of ancestors
brings us to this point
this hesitation
survival
is easy when you live
blue sky swirling
white clouds mix
easy as lying down
it begins
now
feet sink into grass
into soil like a seed
standing
waiting to grow
always somewhat unpredictable
yet as certain as the seasons
impossible to contain
like the rain
a choice to yell
or hush intentions behind a whisper
to get up
and leave
or stand still
like plaster
behind tall things
hiding
and I wasn't so sure before
but now I feel the light of morning
sun pierces my eyes
I'm cutting away uneven ties
and tides will bring in
everything they should
and standing back
waiting to see everything
the next day promises to
bring
vibrant, strong shimmering things
and maybe this won't be
so hard
after all
even the longest fall
is just a moment before
the wave rises
again

Lazy? Prove yourself wrong!

2009-09-15T09:17:00.001-07:00

We all have an area of life we feel lazy about -- maybe you have clutter. Perhaps you neglect your social calendar. Maybe you slack at work. Whatever it is, if you'd prefer it be different, you have the power to change.

Don't believe me? Think you're "lazy" for good? Prove yourself wrong.

Pick one small action -- it can be tiny. Do it right now. Lazy about clutter? Throw away one envelope. I'm serious! One envelope is all you need to begin to change a habit.

What is one tiny action you can do right now? Prove your "lazy" self wrong. You can choose to do things differently whenever you'd like. :)

Build a Powerful Foundation of Strength -- Be YOU

2009-09-08T13:56:00.001-07:00

Need strength to tackle a challenge or realize your dreams? Here's the most powerful way to accomplish that.

Choose to not fit yourself in another’s mold. Be whatever you are, just because you’d like to be and know that is GOOD. Others will have to adapt to that. You NEED to be what you are. Allow yourself to be like a classy gorgeous bottle of champagne -- let yourself uncork and bubble over with joy -- and don’t allow anyone to bottle you up! No matter how afraid you are of losing them -- if they can’t stand letting you bubble over as yourself, they can’t allow “you” to exist, so you have already lost them in the first place anyway -- since not allowing you to be you means they aren’t really with “you.” So you never had them in the first place. Bubble over with kindness, love and joy like a fountain -- in your own personal way, whatever that is.

If you can tap into the strength of accepting yourself, you'll build a strong, powerful foundation of confidence -- the kind that turns adversity and insults into stings, not wounds. This gives you the strength to try new challenges and to succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

It all starts with the ability to allow yourself to just be -- to accept yourself as you are. To know you're good and amazing "as is."

You'll then radiate what you are to the world, naturally attracting everything you're meant for. It all starts with accepting yourself as you are -- not needing to be something different, but instead turning up the intensity of being yourself -- like removing the "dimmer switch" and turning a light on brighter.

One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyers is, "What you think about me is none of my business." It's really true! Someone else can never know you as deeply as you can -- and you can see all the good things they might not know yet. So trust yourself on this, not the opinion of someone else.

Smart, but did something dumb? The only person to blame is...Bob the Elf!

2009-09-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a really stupid action when you knew better? We've all done it. But why? Why do we not take the right actions when we need to? Being smart and using logic aren't enough to accomplish this -- there is something more important to being successful.

FUN FACT: Your current beliefs are resulting in your current actions. If you're not getting results you want, your beliefs are not supporting your actions.

What are some of these "stupid actions?" Let's say your goal is to get a great new job.

STUPID ACTIONS: Eating a lot of cheetos, NOT applying for jobs. Distracting self with reality TV shows, binge drinking, crying, complaining, blaming the economy, feeling frozen, begging friends for money, fearing living on the street.

You know these actions won't lead to getting a fabulous new career! You're smarter than that. But there is a reason smart people do stupid things. Let me explain why and how to change it.

Why we do stupid things:

Imagine there is a little man who sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear. Let's picture him sort as like a tiny Keebler elf who is an out of work cookie maker -- and now he's occupied himself sitting on your shoulder and whispering things (he really has nothing better to do -- have you seen what's on TV lately?). Let's call him Bob. Tiny Elf Bob can either whisper inspiring, motivating things. Or, he can whisper negative, freezing-up things. The reasons he does this are long winded and boring so I will leave that out for now.

Anyway, Tiny Elf Bob leads you to believe things, which create your actions -- so you can do some pretty stupid things, regardless of how smart you are, just because of a lie that Bob has whispered. Pretty scary isn't it?

If Bob has whispered an untrue belief, it will prevent you from taking action. If Bob says "it's impossible," you will think it is impossible. Clearly, you won't take action to accomplish something that is impossible!

Seems like Bob has a LOT Of power, right? He controls your destiny and success, right? Not exactly! You have a role to play here as well -- I mean, are you really going to leave your destiny in the tiny hands of a little, out of work elf? I didn't think so! Yes, you can change how this plays out.

Now, how do we change this? How do we get our power back, instead of being a silly victim to Bob leading us wherever he happens to end up? Let's take control. To set this Bob straight, do this exercise.

How to do it in 4 steps (Train your Elf!)

DIRECTIONS: Elves like Bob are easily trained -- I mean, they're used to working in cookie factories, so take direction well. Choose a new set of beliefs to tell Bob that support taking action. Here you can use your smarts to de-program your beliefs from the lies Tiny Elf Bob has whispered. Re-create those beliefs and turn Bob into your biggest fan, so he's helping you find success instead.

1. What actions do you wish you had the guts to take? _________

2. What beliefs would you need to have (about yourself and the world) to support taking action?
_________

3. If you believed that about yourself, what actions would you take?
_________

4. Do just one action. Embrace your new belief. Repeat.

This enables us to get the successful outcome we would prefer -- and smartly know is the right one for us. It takes some time to train your Tiny Elf Bob, but be patient and he will soon be cheering for you instead of derailing your success! Elf training is fun :) And it's more enjoyable to get what you want, isn't it?

Enjoy your results! :)

P.S. If you make another mistake between now and then ("then" being your success), just be kind to yourself and say "Ah, that Elf did it!" Speak nicely to the Elf and explain what went wrong and what you would prefer. Ask for the Elf's help -- he's sitting on your shoulder anyway, might as well put him to work! And it really works. Good luck!

Don't miss August 10th event! (In Manhattan)

2009-07-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

Discover your Vision for Your Business

Attention entrepreneurs and business owners! Ever wonder why you’re working so hard? What’s it all for? This workshop will help you discover, clarify and create a vision for your business! Discover what you really want in this workshop, led by a Certified Life Coach. Find out how to enjoy your work more, attract fulfillment and success more easily by creating a Business Vision. Also, your vision helps guide your daily decisions. Regardless of what stage your business is at, this creative, upbeat workshop will help you create your own Business Vision

*Creating a vision helps you understand what you are working towards day-to-day
*Attract success by having a clear picture of what you want
*Understand and clarify your Business Vision
*Discover what you really want!
*Learn how to visualize
*Take your business to the next level by envisioning success!
*Get better results, take action more easily

About your Workshop Leader:

Coach, writer, artist, speaker is a Certified Life Coach who coaches entrepreneurs, CEOs, financial traders, attorneys and artists in Manhattan. She is a member of the NYC International Coach Federation chapter and recently appeared on Life Coach TV. Julie brings her passion for personal development to her clients with her five-step goal-reaching success process andpersonality type strength expertise.

Win free coaching and freebies!

2009-07-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Health, Beauty & Wellness Networking Event- Free Event

Hey everyone! Join me Thursday July 30th at 7pm at Solas in Manhattan

It's at a fun, life-improving event in Manhattan! :) I'll have a table set up so you can learn more about getting what you want faster! Health, beauty, and wellness experts will also be there.

RSVP here: http://www.meetup.com/moxieinthecity/calendar/10744378/

Economy Spending -- Be Careful What You Cut

2009-07-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

A lot of people are concerned about spending cash right now, and for good reason. Here are some tips for getting the most out of your purchases and avoiding a "scarcity mentality" that causes you to hoard and lose perspective. Remember that if you're depressed it may make it more difficult to find motivation to tackle your goals -- so choose your purchases wisely, keeping yourself and what you need to be happy and healthy in mind.

1. What is really necessary? Not only for your budget, but for what makes you happy. If you're miserable it will be harder to maintain the motivation to work, improve your current career or find a new, better career that pays what you need -- these things take emotional and physical energy. Think what purchases you really enjoy and add to your life for some time and what are things that don't really matter to you. For instance, if taking yoga class makes you feel balanced, energetic and gives you what you need to get through the week, then do it, even if your friends think it's expensive. But a $200 scarf that is only exciting to wear to one event and ends up in the back of your closet, may not be something that really adds to your happiness or health. Maybe you even already have a great outfit or necklace you could wear, or you could swap accessories with a good friend. Decide what really matters and what doesn't.

2. Remember other costs -- Making an easy decision to cut an expense may be a bad thing down the line. For instance, cutting a gym membership without first finding another cost-effective way to work out could mean you have no outlet for releasing stress and increasing strength and health. Long term, it could even lead to lack-of-exercise related health problems -- and as we know many diseases are linked to diet and exercise. The same goes for buying fatty, high calorie but cheap foods over healthier (and short-term higher cost) salads and produce. Remember that medical bills are also expensive.

3. Pinpoint the purchases that will really make you thrive -- Instead of just cutting back on everything blindly, decide what purchases matter, and which don't. Maybe you can purchase a cheap, no-name mp3 player and load it up with free music from your best friend's band. Then you can take this player out and run around your city or town, saving you $150/month on gym fees -- perhaps that would be equally or even more fulfilling than your usual routine. Or maybe you're an athlete and know that if you quit your gym training things will fall apart for you. Be careful what you substitute!

4. Avoid a scarcity mentality -- If you focus too much on saving, hoarding and "not spending" you might miss seriously amazing opportunities to make money, find new opportunities, improve yourself or even find a better career that would make all that cutting back a non-issue. Are you filling every moment thinking "how can I cut back and save" or "how can I expand my life and make more money?" The depression mentality isn't always a pretty thing when it expands beyond being practical into filling up your cabinets with empty soup cans you might use someday. Exerting some of that energy on learning, getting more education, finding ways to increase your income could pay off much more than saving a few cents here and there. Each minute is valuable, so take advantage of using it wisely.

5. Remember that time is the only thing we really spend -- Though being wise with money is important, time is the only thing we can never get back. We can be smart and get out of debt, we can pay off loans, we can increase our income. But we can never get back lost minutes, days and years. They are gone for good. So be careful how you spend your time and what you are thinking about in the limited time you have living on earth. Thinking of that will help you decide what can be cut back on and what should be maintained no matter what.