Impossible is...Impossible

There are certain things we all assume are impossible. A lot of these things are not true, and they prevent us from living our true, happiest lives.

I was surprised this month, while working out with a trainer, and I had this concept illustrated for me.

The first training session, I could barely lift 10 pounds. My arms were shaking! Of course they were...weights are something that I felt were "impossible" for me, as I only considered myself "moderately athletic." I wasn't really surprised that I was struggling.

Three weeks later, my trainer looked at me, confused, and said, "You look stronger. I wonder how much you can actually lift."

He tested it out. He started with 10, but kept adding more and more weight. 30....40....50. Shockingly, I was able to easily life this weight without much struggle. Then he put it up to 70 pounds! I had never in my life lifted 70 pounds. But I lifted it, quite easily.

This was only 3 weeks after I could barely lift 10 pounds. I then did 195 pounds with my legs. 

I then realized that I had a belief that something was "impossible." This had prevented me from even considering picking up that weight.

WE DON'T TRY THINGS THAT ARE "IMPOSSIBLE" BECAUSE THEY ARE A WASTE OF TIME.

And this belief enables us to BELIEVE things are impossible -- which have been possible all the time.

There are probably a LOT of things you have never even considered for yourself, because they feel "impossible." If you were to only try just a bit, you might see these "impossible" things dissolve at your feet.

What's your list of "impossible things?" Take a small step to proving that these things are NOT impossible at all.

Boundaries are beautiful.

Boundaries allow us to be healthy individuals who can have close relationships. Without boundaries, other people can run all over us, using us, manipulating us, and leaving us emotionally depleted. It's like allowing strangers to walk right into your front door, and take a swig of milk straight from the carton...while possibly carrying out your TV on their way out. That vulnerable feeling is what it's like for a person who hasn't clarified their boundaries, or who doesn't yet know how to communicate them, and protect them.

A broken boundary is a cringe-worthy, hold-your-breath moment of "ick." It means someone has just ignored your wishes. They have knowingly trampled over your values, taken more than their share, used you, or violated an agreement! Not a good feeling.

But are you just being difficult?

People who break your boundaries often may put the blame on YOU. They may say that you are being too hard nosed or difficult. Also, boundary-breakers are often subtle, making them tough to spot sometimes. This can make it difficult to understand if you are being unreasonable, or are they are pushing past your boundary.

The purpose of stating a boundary is to protect YOURSELF. The key is you aren't insisting other people do things your way -- but that they find another way to get what they want, if you are unable to help. Putting a boundary out there doesn't mean you are FORCING anyone to do anything. You are simply stating what makes you comfortable, without asking anyone to do anything.

Be careful of abusive people, who may try to disguise a manipulative request as a "boundary." It's not!

"It makes me comfortable if you lend me a hundred dollars, otherwise it makes me uncomfortable" is NOT a boundary, but a request!! :)

A boundary would be, "Please don't poke my cats face, because she doesn't like it, and it makes me uncomfortable."

You can't just add the words "uncomfortable" to a sentence and have it be a boundary -- it truly must come from a place of making a decision based on a personal "limit" whether that is emotional, financial, physical, etc.

Let's start with an example of stating a boundary. In both of the following scenarios, Joe and Jane are emailing about plans for tonight -- he hasn't the foggiest idea why Jane is so uptight about her schedule! He may even think she's a bit nuts! But in the first example, he respects her boundary to get a good night's sleep. In the second, he doesn't.

EXAMPLE ONE -- RESPECTING BOUNDARY
Joe: Hey Jane, I can't meet you at 8pm because I'm running late. So it will have to be 8:40pm.
Jane: Hi Joe, I actually have a really early morning tomorrow. So if it's after 8, I think we should re-schedule.
Joe: (Has no idea why she's so "uptight" about her schedule) Okay, too bad!! I'm disappointed. Well I'm really wanting to go out, so I guess I'll ask Mike and Jenny to go instead. Too bad we can't catch up! I wish I'd known earlier you had an early day.
Jane: Ya, 8 would've been okay, but I have to get up at 5am, and it'll be too late otherwise.
Joe: Okay, just let me know next time you have a tight schedule. I run late sometimes w/ work, so plans can change.
Jane: Yes of course! Let's get together next week. I'll let you know if it's an early morning.

You can tell Joe is a little annoyed and disappointed, but he still respects her right to not stay out too late. He makes his own independent plans when she isn't able to stay out late.

EXAMPLE TWO -- NOT RESPECTING BOUNDARY

Joe: Hey Jane, I can't meet you at 8pm because I'm running late. So it will have to be 8:40.
Jane: Hi Joe, I actually have a really early morning tomorrow. So if it's after 8, I think we should re-schedule.
Joe: Seriously??! 40 minutes is going to make or break this??! It's only 40 mins! (minimizing something that's important to her).
Jane: (protecting boundary) If I stay out past 8:40, I'm not going to be rested for my meeting tomorrow. 8 was okay, but 8:40 is just too late.
Joe: You're going to break plans on me THIS late in the game? Really? That's really rude of you. You're leaving me hanging with NO one to go out with!
(Insulting her, pushing her to change her mind, not respecting her boundary!)
Jane: Sorry Joe but you know my job has been crazy lately. If I'd known you couldn't make it at 8, I would have told you sooner.
Joe: YOU could have told me your ridiculous rule before, so you wouldn't ruin my night!
(calling her boundary a "ridiculous rule" is one way to blow it off -- shifting attention away from his manipulative behavior, onto her. Also trying to make her feel sorry for him "poor him doesn't have plans.")
Jane: Well I need to be up early in the morning. And this conversation isn't making me comfortable, so I'm going back to work now. (protecting boundary).
Joe: You are so WEIRD! I'm making YOU uncomfortable?? YOU'RE the one who just cancelled on ME! Whatever, if you don't go out with me tonight, you can forget about me taking you to that movie on Sunday. (Insulting her, shifting focus to her, threatening to take away something she wants if she doesn't do what he wants right now).

Joe is not respecting her boundary. He's being manipulative, pushy and abusive. He's not taking responsibility for his actions, by blaming it all on "her breaking plans." When he was the one who had changed the plans in the first place.

It can be difficult to tell when someone is not respecting your boundaries, because breaking boundaries often goes hand-in-hand with people who are manipulative, pushy, or liars. So it may be hard to tell if you are being "too rigid" (as they will insist you are!!). Read on to find out if you are the problem, or not.

Abusive people DON'T respect your boundaries. Wondering if someone in your life is abusive? Give them the boundary test. See if they can respect your wishes, or not. If they can't, they can't be trusted to respect you. That said, it is YOUR responsibility to calmly and politely communicate your boundaries to others. They can't read your mind.

Usually, when a boundary is broken, you will feel a sense of "cringe" or "ick."

Whether you're watching helpless as someone clumsily carries off your prized possession to "borrow it," or you're putting cash in a friend's hand (when you'd really prefer not), or you're eying that person who is crashing on your couch -- yet again -- when they really could have stayed with another friend. Physical boundaries are also important too -- when someone is standing way too close to you, or perhaps their hand is on your shoulder or around your waist -- this happens to guys too! And you're not OK with this person doing that. Or even, if someone is piling their groceries literally on top of yours at the check-out line.

They all make you go "ick."

These are all warning signals that someone is crossing the line -- your line. Where is your line? Only you know. We all have different comfort levels.

It is your responsibility to:
1) Determine where your line is.
2) Let others know where your line is -- they can't read your mind.
3) Protect your line. When people step over it, tell them "no" or take action to protect yourself.

It is other people's responsibility to: listen to your wishes and respect them. They don't have to agree with your preference. They only need to respect your wishes.

HOW DO I FIGURE OUT WHERE MY LINE IS?
You can figure out where your line is by 1) That feeling of "ick" or 2) By doing some work writing down what your boundaries really are, in all areas of life.

For one person, lending $5 to a friend may not be acceptable -- depending on their values and beliefs. For another, lending $50,000 may be the limit. There is NO right and wrong! These are individual differences that need to be known.

The way we're raised, the culture we live in, and many other factors determine whether Heather is OK with kissing on the first date, or not. Or whether she wants to loan a friend $7000, or whether she wants to meet up with friends at 11:00pm, when she has to wake up at 5am the next day -- only she knows where she stands.

Where do you stand? Listen to the "ick."

For instance, do you feel nauseous when your boss asks you to spend Saturday at the office? That feeling is telling you something! Maybe you feel this is past your line of protecting "family time," but you are afraid of losing your job. If you haven't already figured out that this is past your "line," it will be harder for you to address this -- you might not have told your boss your wish in the first place. You'll probably still notice the feeling of "ick" is there, though. Once you determine your line, it will be easier for you to protect it.

It's important to separate out YOUR BOUNDARY from WHAT YOU FEAR WILL HAPPEN IF YOU SAY NO.

For example, you may fear losing your job if you tell your boss "no."

You certainly wouldn't be okay with your boss asking you to kill someone, to keep your job, would you?

But you might be okay with working 70-hour weeks a couple of times a month. Or, you might not. Only you know!

Make a list of what your boundaries are in all areas of life:
WORK/CAREER
PERSONAL SPACE
SOCIAL LIFE
FINANCIAL
GIFTS
FAVORS, ETC.

In all aspects of life -- dating, relationships, career, friendships, family -- we need to establish and protect boundaries. This enables us to grow CLOSER to people. We have strong relationships this way!! When we fear having our boundaries invaded -- because we don't know how to state them, or protect them, we fear relationships with other people.

Of course, you won't always agree with others -- not everyone will understand WHY you want something. But people who can RESPECT your wishes are the ones to keep in your life.

Ensure you build strong boundaries for your business, career, dating and relationships! One-on-one sessions make it easy.
FOR MANHATTAN LIFE COACHING, VISIT: WWW.YOURDREAMSLIFECOACH.COM
Find the best New York Life Coach for you, with phone and in-person sessions.

image from, free digital photos. net, but text on image is unique to this blog.

The 5 Blocks that Hold us Back

Often, we don't take action on a goal because of a small, tiny block.

The 5 Fears that Hold us Back:

1. Not knowing where to start -- When you feed your mind a vague goal like "Become an actor" there are no tangible actions to DO, so you get stuck. How the heck do you "become an actor?" Of course you need a master plan of specific do-able goals, laid out over the course of many weeks.

2. Fear of success -- Our ego doesn't like change. And success is a change. Maybe you'll lose touch w/ your best friends and family? Maybe the bar will be set too high, and it'll be exhausting to keep achieving? Maybe you'll get a big head and lose touch with yourself. Maybe being in the spotlight will open you up to criticism that you're shielded from now?

3. Fear of failure -- Once again, our ego hates change. Failure hurts, and it makes you question your value, it can change how others view you, and it can affect your relationships and reputation. Enough said.

4. Fear of becoming someone else -- When you're looking at becoming the best version of yourself, you will see yourself differently. This is a big change to deal with and brings up questions like "Do I deserve to be this amazing new person?" Part of you may gravitate towards old, destructive habits, because the shiny new version of yourself may seem intimidating, or even unauthentic.

5. Fear of losing something -- Getting something always means giving something up. I can't hand you a present, without you first having two empty hands to grab it with. I can't give you a promotion, without you having to give up your previous job title. I can't introduce you to the love of your life, without you giving up on hope of making it work with your last ex. For goals, fear of losing free time is a big one -- we picture that promotion coming with endless work and no time for loved ones.

Knowing which block you've got makes it SO much easier to address -- and there are plenty of strategies for addressing ALL five of the above fears. These really are a small tiny block -- which only FEELS huge -- and once you identify it, you can deal w/ it easily.

We ALL have these fears. It's knowing how to address them that matters. My coaching can really help with this, with a 1-hour a week session that keeps you on track.

New Study: We Can Re-Wire Our Brains -- In Other Words, How to Stop Stalking Your Ex's Facebook Profile

When we're stuck in a rut, or repeating the same problems, it can feel that "things will always be this way." This leads us to feel that we cannot change -- a depressing thought -- you cannot teach an old dog new tricks, right?

Here you are again, binging on potato chips (like always), stalking your ex's facebook profile (as you always do), or afraid to go for a promotion at work (just like last year), you can feel that your brain is set in stone -- it feels like you'll never change.

Researchers have uncovered an exciting fact -- our brains are quite changeable -- we have the power to mold them like clay. Neuroplasticity is the brain's natural ability to re-wire itself. This phenomenon is not limited to the childhood developmental years -- adults can make big changes. This means you can learn to literally change your mind (and behaviors), with a few simple techniques.

This is especially helpful for people who have OCD-like problems, e.g., needing to do things a certain way and having anxiety if things happen differently -- in other words, most Type A professionals in Manhattan! Yes, that guy who is furious his date is 2 minutes late, or the girl who is obsessed with getting a spot in her yoga class -- they can change.

Recent studies conducted by Dr. John Ratey, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, an American psychiatrist and researcher in the field of neuroplasticity demonstrate that people can change the neural pathways in their own brains.

In his book, “A User’s Guide to the Brain”, Dr. Ratey writes “Genes and environment interact to continually change the brain, from the time we are conceived until the moment we die. And we, the owners – to the extent that our genes allow it – can actively shape the way our brains develop throughout the course of our lives.”

Dr. Jeffrey Shwartz, who also practices the treatment of obsessive compulsive disorder, agrees that this is possible through increasing one’s level of self-awareness and of course, one’s level of desire to want to improve. He demonstrates, through the use of MRI scans and by utilizing a simple four step process, that if patients pay attention to their behaviors -- and mindfully change the way they react to these behaviors -- these old behaviors become replaced with new behaviors.

People who follow a 4-step process can create huge positive changes in their lives -- from being in the best health of your life, improving your relationship with finances and creating wealth, giving back for a greater cause, revving up your love life, or having more time for your family.

1. People first need to re-name their behavior. They should call it a "symptom of disease," or a "false signal." So instead of thinking you are stalking your ex's facebook profile because that's normal, you realize your brain is simply messed up.

2. See your behavior and thoughts as "pathological brain circuitry." Yes, that's a mouthful. When you're insisting that you must get a spot in this yoga class, or you will get fat, or proclaiming that you will absolutely never get a job in your field, or clicking yet again on Jane's new facebook photo -- stop. Pathological brain circuitry. Try repeating that one out loud! It will stop you in your tracks.

3. Re-focus. Shift your attention away from your "pathological brain circuitry," and move it towards constructive behavior. Ask yourself, what would be the constructive thing to do? Perhaps, realizing you can run on the treadmill today if the yoga class is full, apply for new jobs, or sign up for an online dating site.

4. Remove power. Take power away from your obsessions, realizing they have no value. Realize this isn't really about a spot in a yoga class, or the right job, or your ex -- it's about your brain having been stuck in the wrong rut. Creating a more constructive rut, will lead you to happiness.

This means that you don't have to stalk your ex's facebook profile obsessively, ever again.

image, digital photos. net

5 Questions to Change Your Life, Today!

Fall is symbolic of letting go of old withered leaves, letting them change color, and then drop, knowing that eventually, new fresh leaves will grow to replace the old.

Change in our own lives has a cycle as well. It works best to ALLOW and even WELCOME change, by realizing that whatever has left our lives, needed to leave (exactly at the time it did). What is not meant-to-be for your life, needs to make a swift exit -- otherwise what IS meant to be for you will become blocked, leading to unhappiness.

Just as it would be odd if a tree insisted on clinging to its old brown leaves, insisting they were once green, we too need to shed the leaves in our lives, so that we can regrow fresh new bright green leaves.

To give yourself a fresh fall new-life, write down these 6 questions. Leave them on your desk for 1-3 days. Don't force yourself to answer them, but simply repeat the questions to yourself -- see what comes up for you. You may have an immediate answer, or you may be surprised with a dream or random event that seems to answer the question for you.

1) WHAT IS BEST FOR ME? __________

2) WHAT THOUGHTS SHOULD I BELIEVE? (WHICH ONES WILL HELP ME MOST?) __________

3) WHAT AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW? __________

4) WHAT DO I NEED TO LET GO OF/OR CHANGE? __________

5) WHAT DO I NEED TO START AND COMMIT TO? __________

Your next step will be to start taking small daily actions, using what you discovered in question #5. This cements your process and leads to speedy results.

Give your work desk a make-over!

Whether you are a business professional in a crowded office, or you work for yourself, use these tips to give your desk a productivity make-over!

DESK DISTRACTIONS TO AVOID

1. CELL PHONES/SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES -- Personal cell phones are a huge distraction at work. Yes, it's exciting to get a fun text, BUT we all know how easy it is to spend the whole day texting, checking social networking sites, or even chatting with friends online -- where did the day go? This isn't a problem for killing down-time, but if you're someone who is stressed because you never have enough time, this is a great way to carve out a few more hours in your week -- these minutes really do add up. Focusing on your work will make you more competitive for your next promotion or landing that business deal -- and you'll feel more accomplished at the end of the day.

Many of my clients have struggled with this common problem, whether working in a traditional office or at home. When we switch tasks, we lose productivity because it takes our mind a while to switch gears. When we are interrupting our task to check a text or voicemail, we end up losing a lot of time in our day.

A study from Stanford University even showed that people who multitask the most are the least productive -- they lose perspective on which tasks are important enough to switch over to, and which are irrelevant.

SOLUTION:
Turn off that cell or hide it in a drawer with the volume turned off. Avoid social networking and chat sites on your work computer -- some employers block these sites making it easy for you, but other employers don't -- and if you work for yourself you'll have to have the most willpower.

One of my clients powered off his personal cell phone during working hours, and only turned it on during his lunch hour and after work. He found he was much more focused, productive, and ended the day wanting to celebrate by spending quality time with friends and family.

*It's important to let friends and family know about your new routine, so they're not left feeling ignored. Tell important people in your life which hours they can expect you to reply. In case of emergency, give loved ones your work phone number to call, to make sure you're available in case of a serious accident, etc.


2. BACKGROUND TV NOISE -- If you're trying to focus at work, or learn something new, avoid having a television (or even a radio with DJ chatter) in your office. While not always possible -- especially if you work in entertainment or finance, where TV screens are everywhere -- you should always try to reduce distractions. While you may feel your work is adequate, you are losing an edge by having a distraction stealing away a percentage of your attention -- your brain is doing many things at once at a low level, instead of focusing on one main task at hand. This means you may miss an important detail, it could hinder your creativity, or it may simply slow you down.

SOLUTION:
*Remove distracting objects such as televisions from your line of vision (and hearing if possible) while at work. If there is a lot of background noise at your office, ask your boss if you can find a quieter spot, or wear headphones and play classical music.

3. PERSONAL TASKS -- It's so tempting to try to "multitask" at work, and finish some home tasks: online shopping, writing a few personal emails, making travel plans, playing fantasy sports, or even paying bills online. Every time you switch to a personal task, your are losing time, as your mind needs to readjust and switch from one task to the other.

SOLUTION:
It's actually faster to batch together your personal tasks and do them all at one time (after work hours). The enables you to focus intensely, which is required for task completion. This is hugely important for my work-at-home entrepreneur clients, but equally important for those in traditional offices. If your mind is distracted wondering whether you should buy the magenta dress or the light blue one, you won't be as focused on your work.

Batch together home or personal tasks. Keep anything that could distract you from work in a designated place: a folder, a box, a bin. Whenever non-work items cross your path, toss them into this designated space, and return to them after work hours. To avoid worrying about personal tasks, keep a notepad with a to-do list in this same space, where you can quickly jot down "call Marie back tonight" or "get groceries." Writing down the task quickly will get it out of your mind and onto paper, and you'll see the note at the end of the day. You won't forget your tasks this way, and they won't distract you either.

4. TOYS -- They're adorable, but if you're the type of person who is tempted to really get into playing with those amusing toys -- such as the plastic creatures with whose eyes bulge out when you squeeze his tummy, then remove these items from your desk. You don't want your boss walking by as you're face to face staring at your silly creature, instead of at that expense report.

If they don't distract you, it's fine to leave silly toys on your desk -- so long as it doesn't lure co-workers to come play with them (and distract you).

THINGS THAT HELP



1. PHOTOS OF LOVED ONES -- Photos of loved ones can be helpful. Studies show that simply looking at a photo of a spouse or other important person can decrease feelings of pain and provide social support -- even just a photo results in this huge effect! As humans, we are social creatures and support protects us against stress.
This is hugely helpful if you're working and suffering from any type of pain -- from a headache to a serious ongoing pain issue. Or, if your job is stressful. Feeling more support and less stress will help you focus better on your work.

2. PLANTS -- Plants can help you relax since they connect you with nature. And they're about as distracting as a houseplant -- meaning, they're not very
distracting at all.

3. TO-DO LISTS -- Keeping a daily to-do list is hugely important. It will focus your attention on what absolutely matters today. Everything else can wait for tomorrow. Post a large to-do list in your line of sight for the entire day, and update it if priorities change. Write your to-do list out every morning: the act of doing so will focus your attention on what must be finished, making it easier for you to ignore less important tasks that may feel urgent, but really don't matter.

4. A MOTIVATIONAL PHRASE YOU CHOOSE -- Instead of hanging a corny poster, choose your own word or short phrase that you write for yourself. Ask yourself why you're even at work in the first place: what is your ultimate dream? What are you trying to accomplish? Sum this up in a few words, and post it in a place you'll see it all day long. It will remind you why you are working so hard, helping you to feel good about your accomplishments. A phrase like "Dylan's college fund" or "moving to Paris" or "I'm building a business I love" can go a long way in focusing your attention.

I have a client who is a financial trader who writes phrases such as "prove it" to remind himself that he needs to work harder to achieve his goals.

TO SUM UP -- Try out these tips to streamline your work day. You'll feel more focused and accomplished, have more time, and you'll excel at reaching your professional goals.

photos, free digital photos.

Take control! Choose your thoughts.

Choose your thoughts for the day, the way you'd select your outfit.

You don't tell people, "I can't change this outfit. I've been wearing it for a month. It's just what I wear."

No.

You can change your clothes, and you can change your thoughts. When you find thoughts that no longer support your goals, simply change them.

Yes, thoughts become habits. This is a good thing, because your NEW thoughts will become a strong good habit in 2-3 weeks.

HOW TO DO IT

1) What thoughts will support your goals?


2) REPEAT THESE THOUGHTS to yourself throughout your day.


3) DON'T BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS. On the flip side, listen to your feelings and feel them completely, without judging. Then correct any untrue thoughts.

Example:

1) Today I'm going to eat healthy because it makes me feel good.

2) Repeat this thought during day to self. Write it on a sticky at your desk. Set your cell phone to alert you to the thought several times a day -- just set it as an item on your phone calendar (3pm "I'm going to eat healthy because it makes me feel good.")

3) Notice that you're feeling anxious and intensely jealous watching someone eat chocolate cake). Let the feeling exist until it evaporates. Ask yourself "hmm, I wonder what this feeling is about? I wonder what would make me feel this way? Keep asking until you discover the CAUSE of this feeling. ALL feelings have a cause. Identifying it will give you greater knowledge. Perhaps you discover "I hate anyone who gets to eat whatever they want. It isn't fair."

4) Correct untrue thoughts. Listening to feelings allows you access to uncovering untrue thoughts, which need correcting. The correct, supportive thought is, "I don't hate people who can eat what they want. It's fair, because they probably worked hard to improve their metabolism -- if they didn't, all of that unhealthy food is bad for them, and I'm not jealous of health problems. I will work hard to become very healthy, and I'll enjoy all of the food that I eat. There is no reason to be jealous of anyone."

Another untrue though? "I can never eat chocolate cake". True thought "Once I get to a healthy place, I can occasionally eat chocolate cake too!"


GIVE THIS PROCESS A TRY. IT'S GUARANTEED TO TAKE YOUR LIFE FROM SO/SO TO AMAZING.

The "Social Predator" without a Conscience

Signs you're dating a sociopath:

http://www.yourtango.com/201179136/10-signs-youre-dating-sociopath

1. Charisma and charm. They're smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.

2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.

3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.

4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.

5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they'd be better off telling the truth. Is It Possible To Spot A Liar?

7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.

8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you're their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.

9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction.

More articles...

"I learned that most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, social predators, and live their lives by exploiting others. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse."

http://www.yourtango.com/201179133/i-married-sociopath

"You see, sociopaths, at first, don't act like jerks. My ex-husband presented himself to be a dynamic, successful entrepreneur who was head over heels in love with me. He wanted to be with me all the time, was always sending me e-mails and faxes, told me I was the woman he'd been waiting for all his life.

I now know that what he was doing is a typical sociopathic technique called love bombing.

Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. While they're trying to hook you, they are extremely attentive. They shower you with flattery and what appears to be affection. But they have an agenda. You have something that they want—perhaps money, sex, business connections or a place to live. Sociopath will keep pouring it on until they convince you give it to them."

http://www.yourtango.com/201179136/10-signs-youre-dating-sociopath

When you're dating...how to avoid sociopaths

To my daters...

One in 25 people is a sociopath. So that charming person you're sitting across from at dinner? They may be missing an important part of their brain -- literally. Sociopaths lack a portion of their brain which is responsibly for producing feelings of guilt -- they are physically disabled, and this is not treatable.

This enables them to do harm to others and feel no remorse. It all comes down to capabilities, ambition, and what the sociopath wants out of life -- some sociopaths might steal a friend's $20, or lie about something small, while others are CEOs who steal millions of people's money. One sociopath might delight in quietly bullying others at work, just to watch people become upset. While another sociopath may be violent and kill people or animals without a second thought. Scary.

It's all shades of gray, but the central idea is that sociopaths don't feel remorse. They can kill your dog, or steal your spouse, or lie to your face -- and sleep soundly at night. They might not do it, but they are capable of it. The average person, just isn't emotionally capable of hurting others without feeling intense guilt and remorse.

In North America, an estimated 2 million sociopaths, 4 percent of the population, are roaming the streets.

Most sociopaths know that they are "different" and they try their best to fit into society, all the while knowing they don't really "care" about things that others seem to. This fact doesn't bother them, except for the fact that people keep screaming at them, and blaming them for things all the time -- which is of course just sooo annoying! "You killed my dog, you broke my heart, you stole my wallet, you cancelled our important plans, you laughed as I cried," blah blah blah...it's just a headache for the sociopath to deal with.

To make their life easier, they pretend to be a "normal person." They might pretend to show guilt, or placate others to avoid conflict. But they really, truly, just don't give a damn.

The trouble with this, of course, is that "normal" people may not spot the sociopath. They're often quite charming initially (and whenever they need to be charming), and the "normal" person often projects their caring qualities onto the sociopath. Sociopaths often seek out very caring people, so they will appear to have those traits as well (the same way people who lack intelligence or looks will gravitate towards a partner who does have these qualities). Combine this with a sociopaths ability to lie (often), and if you have a brainy sociopath on your hands, watch out. They can trick you.

So my dating clients can go by one thing only -- your gut instinct. If you find yourself recounting your dates, with a feeling that something just didn't add up -- but never being able to figure out what that thing was -- or scrutinizing your date's facebook profile (unsure what you're even looking for), or asking all of your friends and family their advice on whether you should date them (without having any real "issue" that is bothering you, you may be dating a sociopath.

To help, ask yourself:

1. Do they seem to have morals and a conscious? Have you seen them upset about a mistake they made? Do they remedy mistakes and learn from them? Sociopaths will just scrap the endeavor and quickly move on to something else.

2. If they accidentally hurt you, do they seem truly concerned? Will they do whatever it takes to make it right? Or are they just placating you with a quick "sorry" as they move on to something else?

3. Do they focus on themselves and their interests and give little or no thought to your needs and concerns? For example, if you want Chinese food, and your date wants Mexican, will they automatically assume you're ordering Mexican?

4. Do they fly into a rage if they don't get their way? Do they ignore your wants and needs completely?

5. Do they need something from you? (money, social company, sex, favors, help with their career?) If you stopped giving, would they stay out of love for you? Or hit the road?

6. Are they inconsistent? Do they make plans only to break them? Or make no plans at all? One moment, are they lavishing you with attention and love, and the next bullying you, emotionally starving you, or even causing you to cry and then seeming to enjoy watching you suffer? Are you constantly confused?

7. Do they seem to have no "moral code"? For example, they've never even thought about whether cheating (on a test, or in a relationship) is wrong, or they'll break a rule or law without a second thought? Does nothing "keep them awake at night?" Do they sleep soundly even after having done something really wrong? Is their only concern getting caught?

8. Do they see people as items to be used? And do they expect others to try to use them? (projecting)

9. Do they have no concern for your wants, needs or feeling? If you tell them something upsets you, will they ignore it, pretend to not remember, or just continue to do it?

An interesting article goes into more depth. "The panicked feeling of a guilty conscience never squeezes at your heart or wakes you in the night. Despite your lifestyle, you never feel irresponsible, neglectful or so much as embarrassed, although for the sake of appearances, sometimes you pretend that you do."

"Sociopaths can be very convincing and charming at first, especially at the beginning of relationships. A history of poor relationships, problems with the law, and hexcessive lying are just a few red flags to watch out for at the beginning. A lack of remorse, when noticed in a possible sociopath, is often a warning sign. It is nearly impossible to have a normal relationship with a sociopath, and in some cases, being involved with a sociopath can be dangerous. Their lack of regard for the welfare of others and typical lack of conscience can make sociopaths dangerous.

"Is there something wrong with your guy? Does he lie, cheat, steal, commit fraud, use people then discard them, have fits of rage, seem self-centered or have no conscience? Do you feel like something is wrong with him, but you are not sure what it is? It sometimes seems like his brain just does not work right and he does outrageous things. Beware! You might be dating a sociopath. What are the warning signs? What should you do?"

Pathological lying about all things, big and small, is the first feature of a sociopath. This man will lie about the most ridiculous things, even when he doesn't have to and even when he might not want to: he just does. These lies are bewildering because they seem so ridiculous and unnecessary, and they are frightening because of what they stand for: a personality disorder that cannot be fixed. When your man does this, call it what it is: pathological lying.

Fits of rage, the second symptom, often happen when the sociopath is crossed, challenged or questioned. He can't stand it, and he will take it out on you. He might stomp around and yell, or get violent. Either way, you learn quickly not to question him; in fact, you had better be completely supportive all of the time or he might suddenly turn into a raging person you feel like you don't know. Before this article you did not know who he was, but now you do. A sociopath with fits of rage.

The third feature is a self-centeredness or devotion to self unlike any you have ever seen. This man sees the world from his eyes only, will always makes sure he gets 'his' first, and is constantly plotting against the world who plots against him (in his mind). This feature will allow the sociopath to discard you without a second glance when you no longer suit his needs. He only functions around his needs and wants. He has an overwhelming sense of self that does not allow room for others. This is why you feel so 'stepped on' by the sociopath; you were not only stepped on, you were run over!

The hallmark feature that ties these three broad characteristics together is an amazing lack of guilt, remorse or shame for their actions; a complete lack of conscience, and lack of boundaries that prevents healthy people from doing what the sociopath will do easily and without hesitation over and over again! This feature is astonishing when you see it; you can't quite believe someone is capable of acting the way they do. It overwhelms those involved with the sociopath; it is so hard to comprehend that someone could even do one of these things, much less accomplish the long list of lies and fraud accompanies the sociopath throughout his lifetime."



http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/article_view/empower/are-you-dating-a-sociopath-recognize-the-warning-signs-308.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1016018/how_to_identify_a_sociopath_telling.html?cat=70

Want to create a blissful day today? 7 Steps of The Julie Melillo Life Coaching Success Approach!

Do these things simultaneously, and the world is your oyster. Here is my approach. Follow it to create anything you'd like. It's the closest thing to a magic potent that I've got. No matter what life throws at you, you'll not only get through it, but THRIVE using this approach.

1) You are powerful, and you can create ANYTHING you'd like. What you put energy into (and think about) expands.

2) So take control of your thoughts. BUILD the mindset you need to support your goals. WRITE it down, and repeat it daily.

3) When you feel off track, LISTEN to your feelings. Let feelings exist, and discover the message they are sending you -- it's important.

4) BE there for yourself always, as a soft place to fall.

5) TAKE bold action daily. And LET GO of controlling results -- NO ONE controls results, only ACTIONS. So take smarter, better actions.

6) TWEAK your plans weekly. Back to the drawing board is how great inventions and accomplishments are created.

7) CELEBRATE. At the end of each day, reflect on ALL you are grateful for. What did you kick as at today? Perhaps you did something new, or handled something better than before. Great things happened today (big and small), but you'll be blind to them, until you SEE them. What great things happened for you today?

Possibilities that weren't possible for you yesterday, become possible with this approach.

To go into depth and learn how to do all of the above in detail (there are processes for learning these things), contact me for phone, skype, or in-person sessions or workshops in Manhattan. www.yourdreamslifecoach.com for rates.

Focus, See, Believe -- 3 Steps to Get More of What You Want!

FOCUS, SEE, BELIEVE.

Want to get more of something? Money, love, time, health, friendship, fulfillment? Deep answers from within? More fun? A better home? If you want to get this now, there is one step you can do TODAY that will move you much closer to it.

1) Focus on it.

It sounds easy, but simply shifting your focus to what you want speeds your time to get it. Start thinking about it. See it in the world today!

What we focus on, we find ways to achieve. It becomes easy, because WE SEE IT show up in the world. What we ignore, doesn't exist in our world -- we are blind to it, even if it is showing up ALL around us.

We can't notice everything at one time. So due to necessity, we only SEE what we've decided to see. We're BLIND to the rest -- for example, how many yellow t-shirts do you see in a day? Have you ever noticed? If you haven't focused on this, you've been blind to it, and you have no idea how many yellow t-shirts are out there. However, if today you put all of your focus on counting yellow t-shirts, you'd be amazed how many are out there!

Another example, how many flowers and plants do you see in a day? 10? 20? What color are these plants of flowers? Chances are, you have no idea. You're blind to what you don't notice, and this affects you dramatically.

Right now, check in with yourself and ask, "What do I focus on?" and "What do I ignore?"

*Do you notice only the "bad" aspects of your body?
*Do you notice only the unhappy people in the world?
*Do you insist there are NO "good" men or women left in the dating pool?
*Do you focus on the lack of jobs and the bad economy?
*Do you insist that all jobs have horrible hours?

If you focus on these things -- that are lacking -- you will find your own life lacking. You'll find a lack of health, happiness, potential men and women to date, and jobs -- these things simply DON'T EXIST in your world, and you'll complain about it often.

So SHIFT your focus! Focus on 1 new thing TODAY.

For example, if you are single and want a great relationship, don't focus on the gossip stories about people cheating on each other -- you will become BLIND to healthy relationships. Instead, count the happy-looking couples you SEE today. How many couples do you see who appear to adore each other?

If you hate your job, look for examples of professionals who appear truly content and happy. If you want more money, look for people who have money, or examples of people making a lot of money, or think of rich people.

This ONE shift will guarantee you will get more of what you want, because it will remind you that it's POSSIBLE once you see the inspiring evidence that others have ACHIEVED it. We don't tackle tasks that are impossible -- so first, you must FOCUS on what you want, to SEE it appear in the world, to BELIEVE that it's possible for YOU.

Give it a try today! :D

Economic Problems and Facing Our Fears

An article I wrote in 2008, that I believe is still relevant to the situations we fact today (this was used as a podcast on Trans4mind.com).

Economic Problems and Facing Our Fears
By Julie Melillo


With the recent collapse of two Wall Street giants, speculation of doom seems to hang in the air especially here in New York City. Between gas prices, politics and financial crisis, it's amazing anyone seems to be able to get on with their day. And my clients are definitely feeling the strain, with the situation affecting their careers and pocketbooks.

In spite of all of this, I want to point out something. Tragedy can be a time of great growth. Our lives, dreams and families don't have to be demolished -- they can instead take flight.

That might sound crazy, and yes, you're right that Wall Street does affect Main Street -- all of our Main Streets. And yes, the economy is all linked together, etc, and it may trickle down. But that does not mean your life is ruined. It could even mean the opposite.

Times of tragedy are times of change. There is nothing inherently wrong with change, but bringing in something new does always mean letting go of something. We associate letting go of something with sadness, and so the situation seems bad.

But all times of change really are, is a reminder that it is natural for life to be in constant flux. Life is not stable, for all of our attempts to make it that way. And accepting that it is natural to need to adapt, to continue to grow, to re-assess, will connect us deeper with what it means to be alive and human. It can even connect us closer together, as we remember we are alive, and we are not so far removed from natural forces of life.

Instead of clinging on to what material things we have, let's instead remember to let go of the fleeting things in life that are never really ours. And hold tight to what matters.

We don't have to be victims of the world and the evening news. We have a choice to do things differently. Each of us are alive and we all have a shot. Why not take it?

You logically know you are not actually sitting still. You know the world is moving. So don't resent this fact. Or get angry at Wall Street. Accept that we are all surfing here, and we need to do our best to be strong enough to ride out the waves -- the easy ones, and the tough ones.

Change happens so gradually most of the time. We don't notice it. Like the turning of the earth or the smooth transition from season to season -- but growth is always there. Sometimes these changes are sudden -- we lose a job. We lose someone we love. And other times, these changes are gradual -- we become unhappy at work. A relationship becomes distant over the years. But that change is always with us. Even when nothing appears to be happening, things are still changing (both inside of us and in the outside world). We never stop growing and the world doesn't either.

It is the nature of life to change -- empires rising and falling, ocean waves swelling and crashing, financial charts increasing and decreasing -- this is the nature of life. We don't need to be victims of nature and the outside world. We don't have to cower with fear as we list the factors we can't control. There will always be things outside of our control. But we are extremely powerful as individuals, once we decide to be. We can choose to make a choice -- our own choice.

The less we cling on to the things we can never really "own," the more free we will be. And the more we take charge of our lives, assess what is there and what is not, see situations for what they are, and keep our dreams in sight, doing what is best for our happiness and that of our families -- doing all of this in the midst of whatever is happening.

Humans have been through terrible times, and Wall Street is not the worst of it. So let's be happy for the strength, intelligence and adaptability we have as people -- and find a way to harness difficulty and turn it into success.

The outside world, as big as it seems, is not as large as the human desire to live happily. And nothing can hold you back from getting what you want if you choose to make it happen, regardless of anything else. If you own it and take responsibility and accept it, both for your own mistakes and the world's, there is a way.

"The caterpillar thought the world had ended, and then he turned into a butterfly..." --anonymous

Copyright © 2008 Julie Melillo
Julie Melillo is a Certified Life Coach in Manhattan. She coaches in-person in the city and offers phone and online coaching sessions across the country. Ready to make your dreams happen? Visit her web site: Your Dreams - Life Coaching.

photos free digital photos .net

Want more success and happiness?

Want more success and happiness? STOP ignoring your feelings. When you dismiss your feelings, you dismiss YOURSELF. LISTEN. Ask "how do you feel?" and "why? What happened? Why are you upset?" Listen. What is the message? Ask "What do you need?" And then take action to meet whatever need that is. Taking a small action will make a HUGE difference in how you feel today. Try it!

Most of us (especially my CEOs and business clients), feel they THRIVE on ignoring and dismissing their feelings, to stay "logical." Just the OPPOSITE happens actually! The more you bottle feelings, the more likely it is that they'll result in rage, sobbing fits, rude comments to others, passive aggressiveness, etc. You LOSE control of your emotions when you bottle them. Deal with your feelings on your own, and you'll be in control of how you handle situations with others.

My client today was a good example. A very successful and logical woman, she'd felt for over 10 years a need to "nest" and feel "settled." She'd ignored this feeling, until she got to such an unhappy point she could no longer stand it. Yet, she still wanted to bottled it. "Let me get this emotion out real quick, and then we can disregard it," were close to her words. It should have been, "Let's discover this feeling real quick, so we can use the vitally important message it's sending."

The message her emotion of sadness was sending? She needed to feel nested and secure in her environment. A valid need! So we brainstormed a few ways she could created this TODAY. She came up with the idea of buying a very nice scented candle, as a start. After that? Perhaps buying a home would be next.

Listening to your emotions opens you up to a wealth of information on how to better meet your short-term and long-term needs. This enables you to weave these factors into your overall approach for your career, business, relationships and life.

This creates a life that FEELS fulfilled, versus empty and lacking -- regardless of outward appearances. A person can make a million dollars a year, be married, have kids, be a supermodel, and be MISERABLE if the aren't fulfilled by their life. As miserable as you would imagine a homeless person with no money, friends, or possessions to feel -- unfilled is a feeling that is not related to what you own, how you look, your accomplishments, etc. It's a sign that your life is misaligned. You are on the wrong path. No matter how much you'd LIKE this to be your path, it ISN'T and you've gotta let go of it. Get on the RIGHT PATH for you, and you'll feel bliss and thrive, finding success greater than you could ever imagine.

Success is not: what others think, outer appearances, what your parents want you to do, what the neighbors want you to do, what you saw on TV.

Success is: feeling what's right for you, discovering your strengths, finding the RIGHT path for you and WALKING down it (despite any fears you may have had), inner wisdom, learning from your mistakes, meeting your true self, and meeting the life that is yours, and watching your DREAMS unfold and become reality. Meeting your future; the one you are meant for.

Healthy versus Unhealthy Relationships

My clients often ask about the difference. So here are just a few of the main ideas explained in detail.

They can look similar. For example, all relationships have anger -- people ALL get angry. But it's the way the anger is expressed that defines healthy versus UNHEALTHY.

People model their relationships after those of family -- and everyone ASSUMES the way they behave in a relationship is NORMAL and HEALTHY.

However, not everyone acts healthy in a relationship. Read below to identify if YOU are acting right, or if your partner is.

If you've been raised in an unhealthy way, it's your obligation to heal yourself, and change your behavior in the future. Otherwise, you WILL create unhealthy future relationships in ALL areas of your life, and without real change, any future children you should have WILL be affected and will continue the cycle. This is GUARANTEED to happen unless you choose to change.

Acting in an unhealthy way in an relationship violates the basic ideas of what love is. This tears a relationship down and results in destruction -- divorce, break-ups, violence, and depression, unhappiness and stress-related health problems (for those who stay in unhealthy situations).

What a healthy relationship looks like:

1. Concern for partner's well being: The partners comfort level is placed on an EQUAL level as one own's. For instance, if a girl is afraid of heights, her boyfriend should not demand she take a helicopter ride (even if he thinks it'll be fun). He will respect that this makes her uncomfortable.

Unhealthy: The boyfriend will push the girlfriend to take the helicopter ride, may use threats or insults to manipulate him into doing it -- this IGNORES her well-being. He won't respect her boundaries, and will instead use guilt, violence, or threats to insist she do what he wants. Or, he may say nothing, and if there is a cycle of abuse, a threatening look may warn her of future abuse. He may say "Oh come on. I went to the mall with you ALL day, and you won't do anything in return? You are selfish!" Or he may simply repeat "We're going, whether you want to or not." If he has the keys and is driving, it may be difficult for her to get out of the situation.

The main idea here: the unhealthy relationship will have a lack of concern for the well-being (emotional or physical) of the partner.

2. Concern for OWN well being: In a healthy relationship, both partners are equally concerned for their own comfort. They won't sacrifice their sense of safety to please a partner. In this example, the girlfriend won't do something she's not comfortable with (take a helicopter ride) -- and she knows the boyfriend will respect that. If he doesn't respect that, or isn't concerned with her well-being (see #1), then she will leave him.

She will be assertive and say "I'm not comfortable taking a helicopter ride."And he will respect this, and find a way to meet his need for doing so in a way that doesn't cause discomfort to her. He will respect her feelings on the issue, and not want to cause any harm to her.

Unhealthy: A partner will sacrifice their sense of well-being to please a partner. This causes harm to come to the victim, (who is not feeling safe or like their well being is being considered) and enables abuse to continue. It also causes future anger and resentment.

3. Anger is healthy and used to create boundaries -- if a healthy boundary is overstepped, the anger helps a person to assertively re-create that boundary. Healthy anger has a purpose of protecting a person. It is assertive, NOT abusive. Its purpose is NOT to attack or cause harm. Unhealthy anger is used to control, threaten, and abuse, which makes an abusive person feel more powerful.

Healthy example: I'm very angry because you've invaded my privacy by reading my diary! I will put a lock on my diary now, until I can trust you to respect my privacy." (anger expressed with an "I" statement. Boundary is created, with the action to put the lock on the diary). Person takes responsibility for their own angry feelings ("I" feel angry). The person may raise their voice a bit, but they do not snap into a rage state. They are still in-control of their words and actions.

Unhealthy example: (Rage) "You have made me angry by reading my diary! I can say whatever I want to you, because it's YOUR fault for making me angry! You are pathetic and a loser! I don't love you after this, and I will never talk to you again!" (Here we have attempts to punish and abuse -- character attacks and verbal abuse. There is no attempt to create a healthy boundary, and the point here is that the abusive person is going into a RAGE in order to feel more powerful.

The abuse is blamed on the victim for "causing" it. This makes the abuser feel entitled to do and say whatever they please. This is not true, because everyone is responsible for their actions. The abuser may also play the silent game, or withhold things their partner wants as a way to harm their partner and "punish" them (attention, sex, etc.). There may also be physical violence. The abuser feels the victim "caused" the situation, so they are entitled to do whatever they'd like.

We see there is NO resolution or boundary set in this unhealthy example. No decision about what to do about the diary in the future is made. This of course sets the stage for repeated problems, since nothing was resolved and NO healthy boundary was set.

4. Honesty/Trust -- In a healthy relationship, both partners are honest. They don't stretch the truth, or leave out important details. They aren't vague or overly quiet. They also don't feel the need to tell EVERY single detail, as they are entitled to keep some private information to themselves. However, information which impacts the partner (now or in the future) needs to be revealed to their partner -- especially if this information is important for the partner's well-being (see #1 above). Sometimes these conversations are difficult to have, but if the partner's well-being is affected, the information NEEDS to be shared. Otherwise, trust will be destroyed. Information that is hurtful (for the sake of being hurtful) is NOT shared, if it is not something the partner is affected by or needs to know. For instance "You look fat today."

The questions to ask: 1) Does my partner need to know this for their own well-being? 2) Will this information impact my partner (now or in the future)?" 3) Will not telling my partner this information break the trust, if they were to find out later on their own? 4) If I need to say this, how can I say so in the least hurtful way?

So even "you look fat today" could potentially be something that needs to be said if: 1) Being fat is impacting their health. 2) Not dealing with this will cause diabetes or heart disease in the future. 3) I want my partner to trust me to be concerned with their health. 4)I'll have a kind conversation about the importance of health, and my concern about my partner's future health. (the word "fat" will be left out of the conversation)

Healthy example: "Honey, I'm really wanting a new sofa. I'm thinking of something brown. I looked at some web sites, and there is one I'm interested in buying. What do you think?" (open to hearing viewpoint)

Unhealthy example: Simply buying the new sofa, with no discussion. The wife choosing to buy the couch without consulting the husband is BAD because it affects him both financially, well-being-wise, and on a trust level. They both sit on this couch, and should both have a voice in deciding whether to buy the couch. Not mentioning this to him makes him wonder if she is hiding other things. The trust is lowered.

Other examples include being vague, or leaving out details. NOT mentioning information is as bad as lying.
*Not mentioning having an STD, even if the conversation hasn't "come up." (Clearly this affects the partner's well being)
*Sidestepping conversations about an important issue and where they stand on it. For instance, not mentioning their desire to NOT have children, until after they are married.
*By the way, I just____. (bought a new car, switched jobs, invited my mother to stay on our couch for 3 weeks, withdrew a large amount of money, etc.) These are ALL things that need to be discussed, because they IMPACT the partner.

5. Keeping promises. Healthy partners KEEP their promises. In the RARE event they cannot, they 1) Apologize for not keeping the promise. 2) Immediately offer an alternative promise. 3) Make good on this promise.

Promises are contracts. Not keeping up your end breaks a contract, and this breaks trust. Healthy partners apologize if they are unable to keep this contract, and they do not "blame" the situation on outside factors, but rather take responsibility. They show that KEEPING promises is important to them, and they show empathy for the pain of their disappointed partner.

Healthy example: I'm so sorry I missed the movie. I know it was important that I meet you there on time, and I'm sorry to have broken that promise. I know you are disappointed, and I hate to see you sad. I should have told my boss that I needed to leave early, and instead I let my work take over. Now, I'd like to take you to a movie tomorrow night, and I will get there early, and I will pay for both tickets! I hope you forgive me. (Every effort is made to keep this promise). (Taking responsibility, apologizing, new contract/promise is made, empathy is shown).

Unhealthy example: I couldn't make it to the movie because I had to work. You should understand that my work is important. Just go to the movies with your friends. I can't predict what's going to happen! I'm not psychic. You should understand that things come up. Life is unpredictable. You're unrealistic to expect otherwise. Tomorrow? I can't go tomorrow because I'm going to be relaxing after work. (Not taking responsibility, no empathy shown, no apology, no new contract/promise made).

6. Meeting each other's needs. In healthy relationships, partners place their partners needs on equal footing with their own. BOTH are important, and partners do everything possible to meet each other's needs fairly. There are times they won't be able to, of course! So both partners make an effort to have their needs met by themselves, and several other sources when possible (such as having friends for social needs). The only exception to this, is of course sexual needs, which should NOT be met by people outside of the relationship -- this is of course called cheating or adultery.

Partners realize that they will be expected to meet certain needs often. They do so whenever possible. To ease the burden of their needs on their partner, they make an effort to meet their own needs when possible, or find other people to do so. However, one of the points of having a relationship is to meet each other's needs, and to enjoy doing so.

Healthy example: "I'm not really hungry right now, but I know that you are starving! So let's figure something out for you. Maybe we can stop and grab you some lunch on the way to the play?" (effort to meet partner's need to eat).

Unhealthy example: "I'm not hungry at all. You should have made yourself a sandwich. It's too late now. I want to get to the play on time." (No effort to meet partner's need to eat).

One key of abusive/unhealthy relationships is the abusers naturally DENY the victim's right to have needs. They want to pretend that only their OWN needs matter, and that everyone else SHOULDN'T HAVE needs. They will call people with normal needs "needy" or "clingy" as way to justify NOT meeting their partner's needs.

I've had clients date someone only 1 time per week (with no calls or contact in-between) who are called "clingy" or "needy" when they ask to speak more often. This is a classic example.

7. Having empathy for each other. In a healthy relationship, partners are able to "feel" what they other is feeling (bad or good -- they can step into this person's shoes). Whether or not they agree with their partner's viewpoint, they can wrap their minds and hearts around how their partner sees something.

Abusers don't have empathy, or they chose to IGNORE their natural empathy when in a rage state. Either way, they don't step into other people's shoes.

Healthy example: "Even though we don't have the same religion, I can understand that you were really moved by walking by this church today. I could see your whole face light up, and I know it touched you deeply."

Example 2. "I know you're so upset about your dad dying. I can tell you're hurting so deeply, and I want you to know I understand that you're feeling guilty and in pain."

Unhealthy example:
"I don't see how you feel at all. I just don't understand it." (and this partner doesn't care to try, either).

Example 2. "Whatever, just get over it." (no empathy).

8. Commitment to putting effort into the relationship.
People in healthy relationships know that relationships are like plants that need to be watered. You get what you give, and you are "making deposits" into a relationship bank account, that you can later draw on. This builds your relationship foundation for tougher times in the future.

Unhealthy people expect to put little to no effort into a relationship, and still withdraw from the "relationship bank account." This model simply doesn't work.

Healthy example: Effort is spent every single day on the relationship, even during busy times, any few spare minutes are spent to strengthen the relationship: sending a loving text, leaving behind a kind note, doing a thoughtful task around the house, making a quick call, or unwinding together at the end of the day. These efforts are enjoyable and are not seen as "work" but as a good thing -- they don't expect to be overly thanked, as it's expected to do these things. When temporary situations pull the partners away, they have a solid foundation to draw from, and easily weather "storms." Healthy people are not stingy about giving, and they are not greedy about getting -- there is a balance, and there is a feeling of there always being "enough" love to go around.

Unhealthy example: Other areas of life take priority. Work, hobbies, friends, or other areas make the top of the list, and tasks in these areas are always accomplished first and completely, before the relationship is considered. It's clear that the relationship is not #1, and perhaps not even #5! Many days pass with little-to-no effort put forth into the relationship. Efforts are seen as "work" and this person expects to be thanked for days for doing any task related to the relationship. "Hey I called you last Wednesday! You better appreciate that!" People like this may have intimacy issues (trouble getting close to others), and they often become workaholics or addicted to other things, as a way to avoid getting closet to people. Yet, despite not "depositing" into the relationship, they expect to "withdraw funds" whenever they'd like -- they might not have even called in weeks, but expect their partner to drop everything to help them. Affection is dolled out in small doses, with the unhealthy person's partner begging to act like Oliver, "Please sir, can I have some more??" "NO! You may not have more."

9. Healthy partners want to spend time together.
If people in a relationship don't want to spend much time together, or find excuses to not be together often, the relationship isn't healthy.

Healthy example, "I know I"m busy at work, so I'm hoping we can go to dinner tomorrow to just hang out for a while."

Unhealthy example, "I'm busy at work, and I can only unwind by hanging out with my friends. So I'll be with them for the next few days."

10. Healthy relationships show interest
In a healthy relationship, partners how interest in each other's lives, and each other. They want to know how your day went, and are interested in hearing about hobbies, friends and activities. They may want to come cheer on their partner at a sporting event, or just to see how they're new craft hobby is coming along. Unhealthy partners how little-to-no interest in each other's lives.

They also show interest in each other romantically. Both partners feel desired and wanted most of the time. In unhealthy relationships this is not the case, and there are many feelings of rejection.

10. Healthy partners are loyal
In healthy relationships, both partners are loyal to each other -- romantically, sexually and in terms of intimacy. This means they do not cheat on each other. They don't share romantic moments with other people (even if these moments are not specifically "sexual"), and they avoid intense emotional intimacy, except with their partner.

Healthy example: At the end of a long day, a couple talk about their days on the couch while recounting some of the more personal or private details from the day -- an embarrassing moment from the past might come up, etc. There are no strange phone calls or texts coming into their phones, and they have nothing to hide.

Unhealthy example: Though they may speak to each other, the couple don't speak in an intimate way. They only discuss the "facts" of what went on during the day. It's essentially the conversation of strangers. There is little-to-no-intimacy. Both may have other people who they "really talk to" and they have something to hide. Perhaps one or both of them meet with a "friend" or other member of the opposite sex occasionally to have dinner, and they discuss private and intimate things together (that should be shared only within their relationship) -- intimate "friendships" can lead to affairs quite easily, and they may continue this into a physical romantic affair, which they keep secret from their partner.

IN CONCLUSION:

If you've been lucky enough to have been raised in an emotionally HEALTHY household, good for you! Make sure to fine-tune though, since it's rare to have ALL 10 of the above areas met.

If you've been unlucky and grew up surrounded by UNHEALTHY individuals, you have some work to do. Work on realizing what's wrong with the way you were raised, and don't ASSUME that what you KNOW is what is RIGHT. Work hard to change your ways, and you CAN develop satisfying and HEALTHY relationships. Change is tough, but it's POSSIBLE with lots of work and by building new HABITS.

SO NOW THE QUESTION,HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE CHANGES?

Lack of health in relationships is SO destructive, it can be compared to any serious disorder, let's say alcoholism.

A friend recently pointed out to me that the 12 steps can be used for just about ANYTHING, not just drinking problems, but any sort of problems.

So let's apply that to relationship problems, as a solution. (Remember that you don't need to believe in God in order to follow this -- replace the word "God" with "ask a wise part of yourself." The process really makes sense for creating change,and I encourage you to give it a try.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS


1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.


LINKS:
http://www.ehow.com/about_6330289_healthy-vs_-relationship-verbal-abuse.html

Healthy versus unhealthy relationships, explained:

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm

Why rage is unhealthy anger: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/rage_vs_anger.htm

images from free digital photos.net

Quotes about love!

"Love is like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low."
HENRY WARD BEECHE

Love isn't like money--the more you give away the more you get back, and the more you have to give.
S. M. STIRLING

Here are some ideas to keep in mind for all of my clients -- whether looking for "the one" or wanting to improve their existing relationship. Below are some quotes about love, but first, some thoughts of mine.

The world is an interesting place, because we see examples of AMAZING love, but also bitter hatred that causes people to do AWFUL terrible things -- from killing and torturing others, to kicking their own dog out of frustration, or doing strange things in relationships that are harmful emotionally or physically -- my clients often wonder, regarding relationships, "how could she do that?" or "how could he do that?" when these things are so harmful (and painful to the person on the receiving end).

Strength and weakness are the cause of both (love and hate). Read on for my thoughts on that.

1) You can give away love to everyone in non-romantic ways, from saying thank you to the check-out person with a smile, to being kind to a stranger, or listening to a friend who needs to talk, or saying a kind word to someone. Don't miss those opportunities to give it away, and will come back to you at a time when you least expect it, and most need it.

2) To love the most, you must become your most strongest self. Because love is a thing of strength, not weakness. Hate is an expression of weakness.

*People who are weak, and have not yet learned their power to become strong, will hate others to make themselves feel better, and to distract themselves from seeing their own weakness.

*Growing stronger yourself, enables you to love others more -- strength is the foundation of love: it is what calmness, an ability to face the truth, honesty, ethics, and integrity stand on. All of these characteristics are only possible with STRENGTH.

Weakness is running and hiding or lashing out at others, or showing hatred in order to stand on other people's backs to feel taller.

So if you find yourself surrounded by hate, know that you are surrounded by weakness. And make a choice about whether you stay in that situation.

If you find yourself hating, become a stronger person. How to do that? Shed your weaker self. Stop standing on other people's shoulders and sit on your own floor for a while, though it will hurt to do so. See the weakness in yourself and face it. Are you using hate to feel strong? Instead, feel strong by loving others, not harming them.

If you know someone who hates instead of loves, realize that they are weak. They are like a person who is starving and weights only 90 pounds trying to lift weights -- when you ask them to lift something for you, they ignore you, they yell that you should pick it up yourself, they say "what, are YOU too weak to lift it?" the insist YOU are weak, and they are strong, or they simply say "no" and leave it on the ground -- because they are WEAK, so they cannot lift up that weight from the ground, even if you need them to. Of course, for them to become strong they must acknowledge their weakness -- they can no longer make excuses or ignore the problem. And then they must begin day-by-day, lifting weights themselves, no matter how difficult. And eventually, in time, they'll be able to strengthen themselves enough that they can lift the weight, and they can be there for others and love.

If this is YOU that I'm describing, face the truth and reality you've feared. And look it in the eyes. Hurt. Then heal. And that's how you become stronger. By facing the truth, and no longer looking for ways to boost yourself up by using others and hating them, and standing on their backs to feel taller. Stand on your own, and cause no harm. See your own weakness, accept it, and then begin to change it.

To do that, 1) take responsibility for your actions, and their effect on others. 2) apologize for all harm you've caused. 3) Accept that some people will leave you for good, due to the harm you have caused. 4) Stop yourself from causing future harm, and if you start to feel weak and like hating people (to feel stronger), then remove yourself from the situation, return, and apologize. 5) get professional help.

Then you have the basis for love.



"They do not love that do not show their love."
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly.
LEO TOLSTOY, War and Peace

Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
WILLIAM BLAKE

There is a comfort in the strength of love;
'Twill make a thing endurable, which else
Would overset the brain, or break the heart.
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

True love is a durable fire,
In the mind ever burning.
SIR WALTER RALEIGH

To go through life without love is to travel through the world in a carriage with closed windows.
IVAN PANIN

Love is the key-note of the universe--
The theme, the melody.
HENRY ABBEY

What are your top goals? (for the near future)

What are your TOP GOALS??

If you're like most people, you probably want to get in great shape for the summer! And that's a great do-able goal to have. But you might have a whole LIST of other goals on your mind. Write out your own GOAL LIST for the next few months, to focus you in on achieving what you WANT most.

To inspire you, here are some fun goals my client's are working on: (taken from a bunch of clients to protect their privacy). Are any of these goals your OWN goals too?

1) meeting the love of his/her life -- a legit soul-mate.
2) quitting the FT job and working as a financial trader full-time
3) moving to a foreign country (without already knowing the language!)
4) launching a brand new business (several ideas are on the table -- and learning to work from home without losing motivation)
5) expanding an existing business (let's not struggle, and how about a million dollars? why not?)
5) standing up to family and negative friends/avoiding negativity at the water cooler
6) making more friends who are also entrepreneurs (especially more local friends)
7) starting a family(soon!)
8) getting completely out of debt (for once and for all)
9) building up savings to start a family someday
10) getting in great shape for the summer -- hello six pack!
11) breaking into the fashion industry in NYC
12) learning Italian
13) finding the perfect Upper East Side apartment
14) going on more dates/getting more emails at online dating sites
15) getting on a reality show
16) making more single friends
17) make more couple friends
18) asking for a raisein the medical industry
19) leaving a successful career to find a more fulfilling career -- discovering it! A career that uses strengths.
20) finding more quality "marriage" type of women in Manhattan
21) building a house (designing the blue print!)
22) becoming financially independent -- no more pressure from the rents paying the rent!
23) moving to Manhattan
24) stopping emotional eating
25) becoming more confident as far as work/career and dating/relationships

How many of these goals are you OWN goals too? Write out your GOAL LIST for the near future. Then, next to each item, write a small task you can do to get started.

For example:
1) Lose 5 pounds. (task: google healthy recipes and print out tasty looking ones!)

free digital photos.net image

The story of the gold bar.

"You are in the middle of the ocean with thirty five pounds of gold in your hands treading water -- no land in sight -- what do you do? Do you keep the gold bar and sink with it and drown, or do you let it go and swim away?" TRUST that if you LET GO of what's heavy, swim away, and follow your gut, you'll find riches and happiness that fill an island. But not if you've sunk to the bottom of the ocean first, you won't.

How to deal with STRESS in 5 Steps! Flip the switch to RELAXED.

Are you STRESSED?
How to deal:

This can be business stress, relationship (or personal life) stress, or stress in ANY area of your life!

1) What are you in control of? (Make a list of actions you can take).

2) What aren't you in control of? (These are someone else's worries -- let go of them!

3) Picture your ideal end result -- what does it feel like to HAVE it? Capture this feeling, and feel it now. Visualize this result as much as possible.

4) Write down exactly what you want to happen. Make your goal clear as crystal.

5) And breathe! Deep breaths. Drink water, exercise, stretch, eat right, get enough vitamins, get a massage, get out into nature. Stress wrecks havoc on your body, so you need to deal with the physical effects as well.

Take a deep breath, Ahhh. Now that wasn't so tough, was it? Enjoy your peaceful feeling.

free digital photos. net, photo.

How to Set Yourself Free From the Chains of Fake Fear

Fake fear makes you feel TERRIFIED

If you feel deeply terrified of something (switching jobs, dating, starting a business, being alone, failing -- ANYTHING), then chances are you are dealing with FAKE FEAR, versus a realistic assessment of what's possible.

The truth won't make you feel terrified. It's just there, as a calm truth.

So feel your deepest terrors. Are you afraid of losing all your money? Being fired and losing your house? Being left by your boyfriend or girlfriend? Losing your health benefits? Being alone? Not getting the job you want?

LIST your fears, and analyze if they are actually TRUE, or if you've created artificial walls and barriers. Pull down those barriers and you become free. The truth will set you free (from these fake fears) -- you are FREE to do anything with your life.

But only if you remove the temporary walls you've put up.

I challenge you to boldly rip down those walls of fear, and to walk out with freedom towards what you TRULY want in life. I challenge you to do it.

You can see ANY situation from hundreds of viewpoints. So CHOOSE the viewpoint that aligns with the outcome you want to create.

You want to start a business? Then believing that all businesses FAIL is going to doom YOU to fail. It simply isn't true. Some businesses succeed. YOU CAN succeed. This new belief creates FREEDOM to create the result you want -- a successful business.

But if you STOP at the fake fear, you never break through to the result you actually WANT. And you live in the chains of fake fear, which tie you to the wrong things and make you unhappy. Cut the chains. Face the fears (list them), address if they ARE thoughts that will RESULT in the OUTCOME you want, or not. If not, CHANGE THEM.

I challenge you to do it today. You are the only one who can set yourself free, by seeing what is TRUE.

Are you living a lie?

Life can be a great adventure, an epic romance, a beautiful quest, full of love and sunlight -- or it can be a closed dark closet, painful fearful doors sealed shut. It's up to you whether you keep those closet doors shut, or not. Feel the direction that's meant for you, and go towards it -- that fuzzy vague shimmering feeling: it's what you're meant for. It makes your heart resonate with peace and simplicity (but perhaps it seems impossible?) --, whether you think it's possible or not. It IS possible. TRUST. open. Feel what is meant for you and Go forward, even if you're terrified. Even if it seems to "make no sense" right now -- just keep going. You'll connect the dots later. Listen to the truth, listen to yourself, and live the truth -- even if that feels like giving up everything. It allows you to gain everything.

Give up on what the neighbors think.

Trade in the car if you can't afford it. Know you are more than your possessions, or what other people think of you. Those who judge you harshly or think little of YOU for "having little", are shallow people -- their minds and hearts are tiny like a toddler's swimming pool. They can't ever take you in fully, because they aren't deep enough to hold all of the ocean of what you are in their minds at once. Let go of people like this.

Let go of all of the lies. And be brave enough to see the truths. They are beautiful, because they are real. And peeling away the lies, leaves you raw, yes, and vulnerable, but also able to finally see the full shape of your strength -- which is enormous and earth-moving.

Let that strength out. It sits next to love, and abundance, and endless possibilities.

But to reach this, you must shed all of the layers of lies. The lies to yourself. The lies others have told you. The lies about what you "should" be, what you "should" believe.

Under all of this is the truth. It sits still. silently. Like the air in the sky. It's stable and always there. Lean on this truth, your own truth. And live by it always.

This is integrity, strength, and love -- and it's worth it. Go towards it.